Tuesday, 1 May 2012

A Dog Ate My Blog

I missed my Sunday update. I apologise for this and I could come up with some lame excuse about how it was my birthday, despite the universes best efforts I've survived 28 years, and that I had to move house, I'm writing this from my new hover-fortress, but I respect you all two much for the truth so instead here is an elaborate and bizarre series of lies. So here's what happened. I wrote a really good post, possibly the best thing that has ever been written ever. I know that the fact that I used the word ever twice in rapid succession may not show the kind of literary flair that you might expect from the man who claims to have written the best thing ever. However I used up almost all of my weeks supply of word-genius on this spectacular piece. Unfortunately I can't remember what I wrote due to the wizard... but I'll get to that later.

This story doesn't involve one of my several run in's with Dumbledore.

So anyway I'd taken the unusual step of writing Sundays blog in the style of a medieval monk, using my mad calligraphy skills, with the intention of scanning the entire thing in all it's Benedictine glory. I'd just finished six days worth of work when my dog jumped on to the table and presented me with an incredibly well thought out treatise on the role of the Spanish Armada in the formation of modern European politics. This, I'll think you'll agree, is a surprising turn of events, especially seeing as I don't own a dog. I know what you're thinking and you are of course utterly correct. I had fallen victim to the international dog mafia. We've all heard the stories of dog's eating homework, well my friends those urban legends are rooted in a grim reality.

The face of an international conspiracy

Whilst I was busy being expertly distracted by the lovable terrier with the intricate knowledge of European History. My work was ruthlessly pilfered from my very workspace. If it wasn't for the noise of the window slamming shut I wouldn't have even noticed until it was far too late. As it was there was barely time for my to dive through the now closed window. As the glass smashed around me I saw the dog turn. For a second it froze as I found myself rolling along the rooftop. Within seconds though I was on my feet and the chase was afoot, or rather apaw. What happened next was basically the opening scene of Casino Royale but with me in the role of Daniel Craig and a small Jack Russell terrier in the role of Sebastian Foucan.

Pictured: A Jack Russell Terrier

After what can only be described as a mad pell-mell sprint across the roof-tops of Dehli, did I not mention that I was in Dehli... yeah because this all happened in Dehli, I wound up hanging from the underside of a helicopter as we smacked into the side of a building. I survived because this was also happening in the Matrix and wound up falling several floors and crashed through a skylight and landed at a card table. Not one to let a chance to gamble pass me buy I reached into my back pocket and pulled out my wallet. Unfortunately I was a bit low on cash, fortunately the wizard, timelord and lizard-man sat at the table were willing to allow me to play for ineffable concepts as long as they were off high enough value.

Well you find a decent picture for ineffable concept.

Three hours later I was up £45,000, east, yellow and 17 minutes. I was quite pleased by this and was eyeing up the time-lord's sense of left and right, having lost mine in a game of voodoo roulette several weekends previous... Never go to a New Orleans Casino and bet against the bone-man my friends. It was at this point that the wizard moved all in for twelve million and naming rights to the universe next-door to this one. I didn't have anything worth that much... or so I thought and then I remembered that I still had the thing that I had written in my brain. After explaining the thing and having it agreed that it more than covered all the other bets on the table I moved all in... This all happened pre-flop by the way. Anyway long story short the flop came ace, the rules of bridge and death. The river was Mr Bun the Baker and turn was a shiny Mew Pokémon card. I had The Tower and a Memoir 44 Attack card... So I was looking pretty good. Unfortunately the wizard had two signed photographs of Corey Feldmen. So I got fucked.

Not the first time I've been fucked over by Feldman and it won't be the last.

By the time I got home and sorted everything out it was already early Monday morning... so by the time I got home there didn't seem to be much point trying to write anything new. Anyway that my friends is why I didn't update my blog on Sunday. My heartfelt apologies.

eddie <completely at home with complete fabrication>

No comments:

Post a Comment