Tuesday, 29 May 2012


There are a lot of differences between men and women... and yes, like every stand-up comedian ever I have decided to mine this rich vein of comedy gold. I think that accepting this fact is frankly fucking key to ever finding happiness, because it's only when you learn what these differences are that you have a hope of surviving the emotional battlefield that is dating without needing a lot of counselling. Before I even start writing this column though I would like to make a few things clear. Firstly; it is not my intention to slight either gender. Secondly; as a man I am going to be drawn to elements of female behaviour that make little sense this is not meant as an attack it's just my natural bias as a writer. Thirdly this blog is first and foremost humorous... it's in the title, so if I accidentally offend you please try and have a sense of humour. Right so that should placate the rabid feminist bull-dykes, he's why women are evil and mental... Calm down, that was a joke.

There are a lot of pictures like this, a lot... it's almost as if women are angry a lot.

I'm a man of a scientific bent and as such I try to understand most behaviours through the lens of evolutionary biology. Now before you start arguing I am fully capable of linking any aspect of human behaviour to evolution. Do you think autumn leaves look nice? Well that's because there was a point when going a-gathering in the last days of autumn for nuts and berries and what not could be the difference between life and death. Hence those with a genetic predisposition towards enjoying those hues were more likely to survive, cycle forward a fuck-ton of generations and everyone likes autumn leaves. It's important to note that men and women were both under and incredibly different set of evolutionary pressures during the development of our species. Men evolved as pack hunters, whereas women evolved as social creatures. This meant that men's ability to survive was based on our hunting and teamwork abilities whilst women survived on there ability to manipulate and control social situations. As such women fear unpopularity much more than men, watch any high-school movie and you'll see the popular girls and the jocks. The men have attained popularity through there mastery of traditionally male activities, team-sports are a modern stand in for pack-hunting, whereas the women have attained popularity through strong social skills. As such women will always embrace a 'kinder' approach to awkward situations... this brings me to the friend-zone.

Google Image Search: Patronising: First Page

Whilst men prefer a concise and cruel 'fuck you' approach to those who we wish to cease socialisation with, women naturally look for the way that is kinder, or at least appears so. Friend-zoning someone is not kind. From a male perspective it is a hellish limbo place completely devoid of sex. Friend-zone 'friendship' is an entirely one-way system. You see men and women define friendship differently, women define a friend as someone who provides emotional support, whereas men define a friend as someone who helps them get laid. Unfortunately this attitude sickens women so guys in the friend-zone, operating on the false hope that comes from a lack of clear rejection, try to conceal this side of their nature. As a result a guy in the friend-zone will be incredibly emotionally supportive but the girl who friend-zoned him will rarely, if ever, throw an emotionally vulnerable younger sister his way. I'm certain that a few women are reading this going, that's not true of my friend. It is. Unless he's gay. If you want a true friendship on equal terms for each time the guys comes through on an important emotional level for you, get one of you friends to go on a date with him. Balance.

I have no idea what other picture to use for balance

I think that the whole friend-zone thing comes from the fact that women view sex and emotions as linked and men don't... Don't have a pop at me for generalising, I hate ALL sweeping statements. Look... evolution again... there are two ways to be genetically successful as a male, loving relationship and nailing everything in sight. For women on the first one of those works that well. As such a large portion of men are disgusting sex-criminals and a equally large portion aren't, whereas women tend to be less slaggy overall. So if a man doesn't like a women, he'll probably do a runner as soon as he's fucked her, whereas women don't do a runner and don't fuck the guy. I'm not saying which ways better but one involves people having sex and the other doesn't. You see because women view sex and emotions as linked they don't put a lot of thought into the emotions of those they haven't played hide the sausage with, as such they friend-zone guys in order to protect themselves whilst not putting to much thought into the emotional midden they've left their 'friend' in.

This will from now on be my go to image for 'friendship'.

In conclusion. Men; the minute calls you a friend be up front and honest. Ask for a clear answer on future relationship options. Women; the minute you decide to friend-zone a guy start sounding out your girl-friends to find someone who will touch you friends penis. I'm know I'm going to get a lot of flak for the perceived sexism of this but I think it's a small price to pay for the knowledge that I may have in some small way helped reduce the misery of my fellow man.

eddie <this post is the internet equivalent of a brick off an overpass.>

No comments:

Post a Comment