Tuesday, 29 May 2012

I Wanna Be The Very Best

Sometimes when I've been drinking I make life altering decisions that I should not be making, fortunately when I sober up I quickly readjust back normal. Unfortunately for me I only sleep for four to six hours a night, which isn't enough time for my liver to have sobered me up. When you combine that with my genius invention of vodka shampoo... I'll be honest it's just a shampoo bottle duct-taped to a vodka bottle... These bad decisions can last for weeks. My most recent downward spiral into drunken mayhem started when I made the very sound three pint decision that you can learn a lot from song lyrics and ended with the realisation that you should never live your life by the tenets of the Pokémon Theme Song.

If you can't name at least 50 then you're a loser.

It started understandably enough. The opening line is a pretty fucking strong.
“I wanna be the very best, like no-one ever was.”
Unfortunately I'm already 27 and I'm heading towards thirty with near terminal velocity. The odds of me being the very best at anything that I'm not already pretty good at are slim to fucking-non-existant. So I needed to select a past-time that I already have a pre-existing talent for. Fortunately the song provides me with more advice in the second line.
“To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause...”
I think that it's pretty obvious that this is telling me to become a Pokémon trainer. I know I'm pretty good at that already. I beat the Elite Four, I never underestimate my plant-types and I got my Pikachu to level 100... Oh yeah I had Pokémon Yellow bitches.

If you didn't have this then your parents didn't love you... My mum bought it by mistake.

I will travel across the land, searching far and wide.”
Now Britain is a small island nation and as such has a deficit of both far and wide. However it wasn't long before I discovered some nearby long grass... I'd had a few more drinks it was around about 3am. Lurking in the long grass I discovered an unusual Pokémon I'd not encountered before. It was a black and white stripy creature and due to fight it put up as I wrestled it into a sack... Well, do you know where to buy a pokéball? No? Then don't fuckin' judge me... I'd wager it was some type of fighting-type, although later it revealed digging skills akin to a ground-type. Either way I was avoiding water and psychic types. I named my new-found companion 'Fuck-Hammer' and started looking for battle.

Britain's largest natural predator, America has big-foot we have badgers.

These Pokémon to understand the power that's inside”
The way the sack was shaking, combined with the scratches, which I'd later learn were TB infected, I figured I had a fairly decent read on what this particular Pokémon was all about. So I just needed to try it out. That's when I had the good fortune to stumble across another trainer who had a was walking his Pokémon on a leash! I challenged him to battle me and flung my pokésack at the bastard. The Pokémon wasn't keen on obeying my commands but quickly managed to defeat the other creature. It's at this point I discovered that Pokémon don't instinctively know to stop when the enemy has passed out... As I look back on this with a degree of sobriety I think I may have killed a dog.


Pokémon... gotta catch them all!
It's you and me...”
There were sirens. Me and the Pokémon started to run... well I did the running he was in a sack. We were two peas in a pod. If one pea was fighting aggressively to escape from a sack... look at this point I was pretty bleary eyed, but I vaguely recall a helicopter, and running... lots of running.

When you're in that state of mind everyone chasing you looks like Tommy Lee Jones.

Pokémon... Oh you're my best friend,
In a world we must defend.”
I'm gonna be honest this is the part where this article loses all conceptual cohesion. It was dark it was late my clothes were shredded from the woodland I'd been running through. I was still clinging to the sack that by this point, due to multiple impacts with branches, contained a large amount of dead mammal.

I wish I could pretend this was from an online search.

Pokémon... gotta catch them all!
A heart so true, our courage will pull us through”
There was no courage... I was weeping like a altar-boy in a therapy session. It came as something as a relief when the police finally found me. I'd resorted to eating Fuck-Hammer for sustenance. I put up only a limited fight until I was tazed into submission.

My old nemesis.

You teach me and I'll teach you.”
Is what the large man called 'Miriam' whom I'm sharing a holding cell just said to me. My only hope is that I can finish this post before the brutal punishing rape hopes and it will act as a warning to others. DO NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE BY THE POKéMON THEME TUNE

Gotta Catch 'Em All!
Gotta Catch 'Em All!

eddie <the pain... the pain!>

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