Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Life Modelling

So my oldest friend has decided to stand around naked. Yep I think that's the most uncomfortable way I can word that sentence. Now the part that renders the whole thing much clearer whilst also rendering the entire thing considerably less uncomfortable for you and by extension much less humorous for me. When I say oldest I mean the friend I have known the longest not a terrifyingly old individual and when I say stand around naked I mean, no, actually that bit requires no disambiguation. Whilst having a few drinks at a local watering hole, me and my friend were discussing our plans and dreams, I was discussing how I think it'd be fairly good fun to be a long distance lorry driver. Which it would be. You whack on some unabridged audio books and before you know it your widely travelled and well read. He then told me that he'd been looking into nudity.

Haven't used this picture in a while, don't say I never do anything for you.

Now this is the internet so I'm fairly certain that we've all done a fairly prolific amount of research into that subject. I think nudity actually outranks cats as the internets favourite thing... Oh I'd like to see the Google Analytics on that one... although I don't think anyone is using Google as a gateway to their pornography anymore. We all know the sites. Anyway I've wandered well away from my original “point”. My friend has been looking into the world of life modelling. Now I'm never more than ten feet from my moleskin, so when one of my friends says something weird like that I switch into full on Rita Skeeter mode and within a few seconds my Quick-Notes Quill was flying across the page.

Nudity and and an obscure Harry Potter reference... where else do you get that.

So here is the important information from the world of standing around naked. First of all this profession has it's own governing body. They're called RAM. RAM. Yep that's what they are called. Apparently we're living in a fucking Carry On film. So if you're a RAM registered model it's a bit like being a CORGI registered plumber. There are rules to this peculiar profession, first and foremost, erections are frowned upon. So unless that's your thing you'll want to keep your tallywhacker in check. The most important piece of advice they can give you is watch out for perverts. You know the kind of people who want to look at you naked for there own filthy, filthy reasons. However if you're willing to look past those two possible pitfalls then you can actually earn £10-£15 an hour for a newbie. To stand naked for a few hours. However you might have to do the first few gigs for free. You need a portfolio to prove that you can both stand and be naked. Really.

It's black and white... that means art.

It may worth doing though because you can earn up to £100 an hour for semi-erotic poses... I don't have a clue either. Maybe standing with one hand lightly grazing a teste. It's important to note that you can refuse any psethat is either to difficult or awakens a deep sense of shame and self-loathing without being de-RAMmed... snicker. You can actually earn a real fuck-ton doing this. If you work as a model for a sculpture you can earn £700 a day, there will be photos taken and contracts signed to say that the artist won't put the pictures on the internet, because why the fuck not.

... but they can display the statue anywhere.

The strangest thing about this whole thing is that there are people advertising for these models on gumtree and craigslist. I won't use those sites to by a fucking sofa out of fear of being turned into a cut-rate organ farm and yet there are people advertising for naked people to come to their house and apparently it's successful enough to be a viable tactic. This is simultaneously alarming and frustrating mainly because all of my craigslist adverts to get naked people to my house have been incredibly unsuccessful. Do you want to know the weirdest thing about life-modelling? Why did I even ask. Of course you want to know the weirdest thing about professional nudity if you didn't you wouldn't be the kind of deviant that is my target audience. Well here it is, the most sought after models are old fat men. I've been thinking about that and all I can think of is that much like the Japanese whaling community they like to go for sheer tonnage.

Only non-depressing image I could find for whaling.

So there are my insights into the strange and peculiar world of standing around naked in front of large groups of people for money... which, and I can't stress this enough, is very different from the less strange and much less peculiar world of dancing naked in front of large groups of people for money.

eddie <I have the weirdest pub conversations>

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