Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Why Don't We Use Religion

In case you hadn't guessed I don't believe in magic. I don't believe that I've got a coin behind my ear, I don't believe that you've got my nose and I don't believe that someone just shazammed the universe into existence. Unfortunately I live on a planet with people who do believe in this sort of ridiculous twaddle, and I'm actually cool with that. I'm a big fan of nonsensical stuff the more ridiculous things there are floating around in the universe the more likely it is that I'll find something inspiring and entertaining. Hell with our all this jibber-jabber the Avengers would be short a Thor and therefore not as awesome. The only real issue is that people use these ridiculous beliefs to make important decisions, important stupid decisions with wide-reaching ramifications. So here's my question why don't we use peoples stupid beliefs against them?

This is like the least terrifying picture I could find for
'under the bed'. What the fuck is wrong with the internet

If a child tells you that there's a monster under their bed do you reason with them about the existence of monsters? No of course you don't you check under the bed and say there aren't any monsters. If you're proper smart you invent some sort of monster deterrent spray so that you don't have to keep checking under the bed. The idea is that you use the internal logic of the fantasy against them to turn it all around. With that in mind there are some simple ways to stop religion from fucking with everyone's day. So without further ado here's some ideas I have to use these ridiculous ideas against religious cluster-fucks

There is not a better image to go with 'cluster-fuck'.

Pigs Blood Bullets
All sides of the middle-east conflict i.e. absolutely fucking everyone in the middle-east shares a common belief that the man who made the universe made bacon simultaneously tasty and wrong. Hell I'm a vegetarian and even I like bacon flavoured snacks, which are vegetarian safe before you ask. However both the Jews and all of the Muslims believe that getting a tiny bit of bacon in them is an express ticket to the part of the afterlife with the lower property values. So why not just flood the area with bullets that have a little vial of pigs blood attached to the tip. Suddenly all those people ready to fight to the death because they're going to be rewarded by 72 crystal clear raisins in paradise, are actually on the express to hell if they get shot. It's not one sided either. It works as well against the Jews as it does against the Muslims. I'm sorry if you think this disrespectful to the religious beliefs of the idiots in the region but the minute you start firing machine guns at people you lose the right to be treated with respect.

I'm fully aware that I'm comparing the religious to Mythical
demons and the like but you know what I don't give a fuck.

Paedophile Murder
Not for all paedophiles obviously, I'm very much in favour of the current system of justice available for them, prison and a fuck ton of treatment... they're obviously sick... they fuck kids... that's not normal. I just want all priests who are accused of noncemanship to be shot in the face. Seriously. Not a joke. What's the issue with doing it? The priest goes to the pearly gates where he is assessed and judged and if he is a kiddy-ball-juggler he's sent downstairs to lakes of fiery oblivion if he's not a he gets taken to the land of fluffy kitten's and so forth. If you truly believe in the ever lastingness of the afterlife then the shortening of your mortal life is a nothing, it's a non-issue. I'm sensing that I've lost some of you here so allow me to explain using maths. You're entire life comes in at approximately 100 years. 100 years as a percentage of fucking infinity is 0% or at least so close to zero as to make absolutely no difference. Hence there is not a single reason to object... unless you don't believe or you like tiny boy balls.

Pictures like this are why I love Google Image Search so
very, very, very much.  I got this with just 'Creepy Priest'

Ruin The Pilgrimage
It's one of the central tenets of Islam that everyone has to make a pilgrimage to that big cube they keep in Mecca... I don't know what's in there, a dragon egg or something? Anyway next time there's a terrorist attack by Islamic Fundamentalists let's just shoot a fucking missile into the ground about twenty feet away from that thing. That's the warning. Then we say the next time that there is a single terrorist attack by anyone even slightly aligned with Islam we blow that thing off the face of the planet. Every single Muslim for the rest of time goes straight to hell. Before anyone starts attacking me for this point of view let me make it absolutely clear that I have nothing against your basic common or garden Muhammed worshipper. I don't want these people to actually go to hell... but there isn't a hell and if it takes playing around with these silly superstitions to get these numbnuts under some semblance of control let's go for it.

Ironically this is actually Buddha's lunchbox.

These ideas might seem extremely insensitive but if I have to offend the living fuck out of a few religions to put forward some ideas that might stop the human race from continuing on it's path to being a humorous joke for the rest of the universe.

eddie <bored with respecting the ridiculous>

1 comment:

  1. "absolutely fucking everyone in the middle-east shares a common belief that the man who made the universe made bacon simultaneously tasty and wrong" - This line it not tasty. also it is wrong.