Eggs-cellent

Happy Easter. Oh I fucking love this one. I've actually seen the phrase 'Jesus is the reason for the season' on the internet today. Allow me to respond to that with the exact level of discourse it deserves. HAHAHAHAHA! Easter couldn't be a less Christian affair if it tried. It's always fun to watch the embolism that the faithful give themselves when they try and justify this one.

OK, I don't know what an embolism is.

“So Jesus died on the cross for our sins... because if he didn't then his dad, who was him, would send us all to hell because of the rules that he himself made up. Then three days later he came back from the dead, thus rendering his sacrifice as pointless as the death of Superman. So obviously chocolate eggs from a rabbit.” At which point they keel over and start shuddering violently. There are a whole host of logical reasons why Easter festivities go down the way they do. It's yet another hilarious case of the world's leading society of preachy moralistic pricks being devious scheming and manipulative trundle-cunts.

Shockingly I'm implying that this guy isn't entirely on the level.

The early days of the spread of the horrifying Christian plague across the globe are the first known example of a PR campaign. The overall aim of the catholic church when they started spreading was to secure themselves a vast amount of wealth and influence. That's why the Vatican isn't a hospital, children's home or donkey sanctuary but rather the worlds most ridiculously over the top palace. As such there wasn't anything approaching principles in the early days of this cynical and rapid expansion.

One of the biggest hurdles involved in tricking everyone into handing over their hard earned money/goats/whatever-shit-they-had-back-then was the simple fact that all the pagan systems spread all over the world had some really, really, really insano-diculously balls-out awesome parties. So they Catholics turned up with there magic book and were largely told to jog-on. Strangely when they turned up the next time they suddenly had all these really similar parties. “Oh you have a Winter Solstice Festival on the same day as Jesus' birthday... What a mind-blowing coincidence.” Easter is the most transparent of these cynical ploys. Don't believe me? Well let's run through the ridiculous amount of evidence.

Yeah this is my go to for lawyer.

Easter, it's a funny word isn't it... doesn't pop up in the bible. Seriously the word Easter isn't mentioned once in any of the scriptural teachings of any denomination of Christianity. Hmm that is most peculiar isn't it... I wonder where that term could've come from. Oh sorry excuse me I've just been handed a book by one of my researchers. I'll just flick to the page that's been marked with a post-it note... Hmm here's an interesting fact, Eostre is a pagan goddess of sunrise and spring. That's some unapologetically shameless plagiarism right there they didn't even bother changing the frikkin' name.

Better than an image of a man dying a horrific death.

Spring is of course a time of life and rebirth, of eggs hatching, bunny rabbits being born and people gorging themselves on the fresh bounty of the earth. So exactly what Easter is actually all about. Well at least that explains a whole heap of stuff doesn't it. The eggs, the rabbits and of course the fact that it moves about. What hadn't you considered that? Look one of the defining characteristics of actual things that have actually happened is that we tend to know when they happened. The Great War ended on the 11^th of November, the 25^th of December is, of course, Isaac Newton's birthday and 9-11 happened of the 11^th of the 9^th (any american's reading this you guys do dates the stupid way). Whereas Easter jumps all over the shop. That's because the beginning of a season is a much harder thing to pin down than a cosmological event like a solstice.

This is on the first page of image results for Winter Solstice... I've got nothing.

So when some god-bothering toss-piece tries to convince you that the reason you get to gorge on chocolate until you vomit up a confectionery based war-crime, just remember that the only thing that Christianity brings to this entire affair is the possibility that you may have to give up a few hours of your life to sit in a room and have a paedophile tell you that you're going to hell. All the fun stuff is good old fashioned pagan fun. So sit, devour and enjoy this aggressively pagan of festivals. If you do stop to give a moments thought to God-man and Jesus the boy wonder just remember that the only link they have to this weekend is due to the massive dishonesty of there earthly representatives.

eddie <only been involved in the theft of two holidays>