Sunday, 22 April 2012

Science! Industry! Future!

Let me be absolutely clear here you don't have faith in science. Science neither demands nor requires faith offering in it's stead evidence and method. That said faith is not the sole province of the religious, you can have faith in the essential goodness of people, I have faith that Joss Whedon is going to knock Avengers out of the fucking park and I have face in relentless pace of scientific advancement. That's to say I have no faith in science, instead having knowledge but I do have faith that science is going to keep coming up with all manner of groovy things. Think about it, ten years ago if you wanted to find your way somewhere you had to print out a little map and use it to navigate there, whereas now you can just take a mobile device with you and have it not work so you end up yelling at it in the street. That's progress... well in principle. Anyway my point is, yeah I have a point... I always do... OK maybe not with the womble thing but usually I do, stop looking at me like that. Anyway my point is that whilst science has been doing a lot of wicked stuff lately there's a few things I'd like to suggest that science starts working on.

Priorities people!

Better Pets
I don't know if you've seen Watchmen but the best thing about that movie, something of a let down from the greatest comic ever written, was Bubastis, Adrian Vietch's awesome genetically engineered tiger/lion/giant cat thing. I want something like that, not that exactly but I dunno... Oh I've got it I want a pet grizzly bear that can talk and hold a glass. He needs to be intelligent enough to crack-wise but not so intelligent as to think he's running the show. Or a pegasus... I'm not entirely sure that's even theoretically possible though so I'll not push that one to much. There must be a chance of me getting my hands on a pet Smilodon, preferably engineered to be less of a terrifying hell beast and more of a big loveable cat... that turns into a terrifying hell beast when I want it to attack my enemies. Or possibly a giant eagle that I can ride to the shops/Europe.

You spend roughly a third of your life fast asleep. That's not even close to necessary. Now it is possible to drop down to a series of four twenty minute naps throughout the day, seriously hit the google and check that shit out. The reason for it is that all you actually need from sleep is about an hour of REM, that's Rapid Eye Movement not the album Shiny Happy People, the rest of the whole sleep thing is just the stuff evolution bundled in as the best available method. The truth is that no-one really knows what sleep is actually for. If you don't sleep enough you go crazy and you die but no-one has any idea why. So I want science to work that out, with a view to removing sleep entirely. I know that we all love sleep, but that's only because we need it. I want to live in a world were I get an extra eight hours of free time a day. Think about the possibilities. You could stack your work week up into the first 40-50 hours of the week and have over 100 hours of free-time. I'm guessing that you'd probably only need one maybe two extra meals chucked in, so you're not going to be spending to much extra money in that free time. I could totally knock out all my weeks writing in one chunk and then spend the rest of my time partying with hookers and blow... the crazy life of an internet humorist.

Giant Pneumatic Tubes
The truth is I've given up on hover cars, teleporters or even getting my hands on a portal gun, you'd have to pry that from Chel's cold dead fingers and I'm not taking that crazy bitch on. However I'm still curious about the whole getting flung around the city in a series of large pneumatic tubes. I mean it's one of those ideas that's so preposterously science-fiction that I have no idea who first came up with it, I can't even remember seeing them in anything prior to Futurama but they've been in the box marked future in my head for as long as I can remember... Seriously I've wanted the tube system longer than I've wanted a shape changing sex-bot, and I've wanted one of them since I was six. If you don't like the idea of being sucked up into a tube and slung along at speed whilst watching the city of your choice whip by through the glass, then frankly you have the withered testes of a geriatric zombie.

Underwater City
Whilst most scientists have there eyes pointed towards the skies and dream of building an elaborate lunar city from which to launch a final attack against the ever-present Martian Menace, I'm concerned that everyone has taken there eyes of off the equally awesome concept of building a massive and unnecessary city at the bottom of the ocean, because I want to be able to visit giant squid. I'm certain that I could come up with a borderline legitimate scientific reason to build it... Geo-thermal energy... that's a legitimate thing that science could be doing at the bottom of the ocean right. I mean have we yet sufficiently studied up on the existence of the Kraken... or failing that could we just put it there to keep an eye of R'lyeh and make sure the darklord Cthulhu isn't rising any time soon.

So there's some suggestions as to what I think science should be working towards. I hope that the guy in charge of science, Stephen Hawking I think will read this and take note... if anyone who knows the Hawk-man reads this pass along my ideas.

eddie <I like my science mad>

No comments:

Post a Comment