Impartial

So I've decided that I want to punch Jeremy Hunt right in the dick. I've decided that not only is this something that I want but it is also something that is completely right and proper. I'm not a complete bastard, which incidentally is what I want written on my tombstone, so I feel it is only fair to set up an independent committee to determine whether or not I should punch Jeremy Hunt right in the dick. In addition to this the committee will be tasked with deciding the exact force with which Hunt should be punched in the dick. Obviously that will only be an issue should the committee agree with my view that Jeremy Hunt definitely needs to be punched right in the dick. In the interests of complete impartiality I will of course make sure that the decision is made by a completely impartial group, the final decision will of course rest with the head of the committee which will of course be me.

Not looking good for you, is it Jezza?

I know that some of you might be confused by this so let me just make this absolutely clear. Whilst the committee has been set up by someone who thinks that Jeremy Hunt needs to be punched right in the dick, me, and the decision will be made by someone who thinks that Jeremy Hunt needs to punched right in the dick, again me, but I will be impartial. So now I've said that I will definitely be impartial that's an end of the matter isn't it. So let's get on with punching Jeremy Hunt right in the di... Sorry deciding whether or not to punch Jeremy Hunt right in the dick. I mean I'm definitely, definitely, definitely impartial. I may have spent most of this article up to this point saying how I believe that Jeremy Hunt definitely deserves a punch right in the dick and that I would very much like to be the one to do it but I also said I would be impartial. Are you calling me a liar?

What did you think I looked like?

How dare you? That's fucking disgraceful, that's like saying that Jeremy Hunt is a liar for saying he'd be impartial well he was deciding whether or not Rupert Murdoch should be allowed to seize control of the nations news media in order to establish the worlds first privatised propaganda machine.

“Do you want to run the country? News Corp can make it happen. For the low, low price of the continued increase of our share price we will print the headlines that you want.”

Don't believe me. Look for the Sun's coverage of the Leveson Enquiry. Oh hold there isn't any. That's the nations biggest newspaper not covering the nations biggest news story. The main reason that people with fully functioning brains were against allowing, well know business-man and fairytale villain, Rupert Murdoch seize control of the nations media, in a way more in line with a Banana Republic than a first world nation, is that we were concerned he would manipulate information flow to his own nefarious ends. So when we hear that the person responsible for deciding whether or not this insanely egregious mishandling of a major nations news media has already decided that it should be allowed and has been firing off chummy e-mails and texts to the Murdochs it's understandable that we might be concerned. However Jeremy Hunt has said that he was completely impartial. That is apparently good enough for the man who runs our country.

I think it's this guy... I'll be honest I don't pay much attention

From this we can conclude that David Cameron is either fundamentally corrupt or such a simpleton that it's a shock he can dress himself in the morning. However the precedent has been set we're taking people at their word now. So when I promise that I will be impartial when deciding whether or not to punch Jeremy Hunt right in the dick that's a cast-iron, copper-bottomed guarantee that you can take to the bank. Obviously I'm not a government minister like Jeremy Hunt so obviously my word carries significantly more weight. I mean I don't have a history of being a lying scumbag. So here I am all set up to be impartial and shit so we're going to have our first meeting now.

12 Seconds Later

So we've decided that it's actually crucial that I punch him right in the dick as soon as possible... for like the economy and shit. We also agreed that I should do it hard enough to break the fucker in half. That's the completely impartial decision that we reached. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to question the process here either I mean it's not like we just rubber stamped the decision we'd already made... that would be unethical. I mean I said I was impartial loads of times, what more do you people want?

eddie <while writing this i accidentally said jeremy cunt twelve times>