Monday, 11 June 2012


There are some strange correlations in mental traits that I have never been able to quite understand. Why do people who drink real ale also believe the neck-beard is a reasonable style of facial hair? Quick-tip if it's not on your face it's not an acceptable look. Why do conspiracy theorists always have a laissez faire approach to personal hygiene? Is there a conspiracy about showering? Why do people who want to in the countryside also think that 'antiquing' is both an acceptable activity and an acceptable word. It is neither. However the link that I really wanted to talk about is the bizarre and frankly inexplicable link between whether or not you eat meat and how preachy you are. It's a subject that does require something of a dissection. So why is it that carnivores are so preachy?

"Have you heard the good news about Jesus?"

Declaration of interest here I'm a vegetarian. If you choose to eat corpse feel free to do so. Seriously have at it I don't give to much of a shit. I'm not a big believer in trying to win people over to my side of an argument by reason, yelling or knife-fighting... which is a real shame because I am very very good at all three. I prefer the method of calmly explaining my own philosophy and then exhibiting why it's the best way to live by being continuously awesome. I'd say that it's an exhausting way to live but I'm far to awesome for that. As such I occasionally find myself in a position where I have to decline an offering of charred flesh. A little shake of the head which is usually met with a with a puzzled expression forcing me to explain “I'm a vegetarian”.

This is what you look like... right down to the cold dead eyes of a killer.

There are three reactions to this simple explanation. The first is a shrug, this is by far and away the best reaction. The second is the bizarre need to explain that someone else the carnivore knows is also a herbivore, I have never understood this one... do they think I'll be all 'Oh you mean Dave! I'll tell him I met you at the next meeting' or is it supposed to make me feel at ease, some form of proof that they won't eat the leaf eater. However as weird as that is it's nowhere near as bad as the third reaction which is to become a preachy a-hole about the entire affair.

This is what you become... Just let that sink in.

This might come as a shock to most of our, admittedly omnivorous, species but I've met meat eaters with an alarming amount of regularity. As such the sermon on the virtues of bacon that you wish to launch at me isn't a fresh experience for me. I don't want to hear you're wonderfully well thought out speech on why exactly you are not just allowed but in fact have a responsibility to devour less intelligent creatures because like all other overly preachy speeches I've heard it a million times before. For that exact reason you don't want to give me that speech because I've heard it enough times that I can demolish your argument so hard and so fast that it'll physically hurt your as yet unborn grandchildren. Unless you've already got grandchildren in which case you might as well just go throw a shoe at them.

Your choice of shoe should be directly linked
to how much you love your grandchildren.

I feel it's important to point out that I think it is completely and utterly wrong to preach at anyone about there choice of diet unless it is dangerously unhealthy... so you know if someone is eating a tub of lard or something. So here are the most common components of carnivorous sermons and why they are stupid as fuck. “If I'm not meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?” So are babies. “We have teeth that have evolved to eat meat.” Your appendix evolved to help digest grass, your body is filled with stuff that evolution gave you that you choose not to use. “We're more intelligent than animals.” I'm more intelligent than you doesn't mean I'm allowed to kill you and eat you... I checked. “If we stopped eating these animals then they'd go extinct.” So all the animals will die... they were going to anyway, at least future generations wouldn't. Also agricultural animals account for a huge percentage of global warming. You know what argument for eating meat is acceptable, “I like meat... I want eat it” Well done and fair-play. I don't want to eat meat and I don't want to be preached at for that decision.

Same way I don't want to get preached at for bringing an M4-Carbine to a BBQ

Let me be absolutely clear I actually think there are a whole bunch of good arguments for eating meat, but most of them could be used by hyper-intelligent aliens to justify eating people and when that happens I want to at least die on the moral high-ground. I also think that there are plenty of great arguments to be made for tons of stuff that we now look back on as being objectively morally wrong. I'm not saying that eating meet is wrong... but I'm not cool with it so I don't do it, much like working for a bank. I also happen to believe that in the distant, distant, distant future we will as a species look back on eating meat the same we look back on a whole host of other bad things we've done. I also believe that most people don't give the slightest nano-shit. I just want to be left to eat my plant-life in peace.

eddie <herbivore in a leather jacket>

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