Sunday, 17 June 2012

An Apology

Those of you who read my writings with any degree of regularity will be aware that from time to time I tend to get a little angry it's not usually a problem as it's when I find it easiest to get into full flight when my rage engine is cycling at full spin. However it does mean I've been known to make outlandish and ridiculous statements based on theories that rely on access to fairly limited data sample. For example I have said that Harrison Ford and Sean Connery struck a deal during the shooting of Last Crusade so that Ford would do all of Connery's ageing in exchange for a large stipend. I've also put forward the theory that the executives at the Fox Network can only survive on the shattered dreams of Joss Whedon fans. I have also regularly called beloved director and definitive story-teller of a generation Steven Spielberg a massive racist.

This is the face of hate.

It's that last one I want to talk about. You see over the course of my life I became fairly certain that Mr Spielberg had an unreasonable hatred of the british. Now I realise that whether this is bigoted or racist is very much a matter of opinion however I chose to call it racist. I wasn't just pulling this out of my dick either I had a fairly reasonable amount of evidence to support my opinion. The piece of information that first sparked this theory was the rumour that Spielberg was lined up to direct the Harry Potter films. That was a pretty exciting piece of news at the time. I then heard that Spielberg wasn't going to be involved. I was disappointed. Then I found out that the reason it had fallen apart is that Spielberg wanted to set the films in an american high school with Haley Joel Osment as Harry.

We'd never have heard of her... Fuck you Spielberg

I looked into this and read that Spielberg believed that american audiences wouldn't be able to relate to an english character. This statement was made after the books had already become the massive worldwide publishing phenomenon that we all know and love thus proving his point more or less entirely wrong. It then occurred to me that Spielberg had directed War of the Worlds. Instead of that being set in the Britain of the late 1800s it was moved to modern New Jersey... I mean it's a timeless tale and it kind of works and it does make sense as a choice on it's own there's nothing racist about this but it's part of a worrying pattern of behaviour. Then you look at Saving Private Ryan a movie about the Americans coming over to save us helpless Europeans from the evil Nazi scourge... although now I come to think of it I don't think you see a single European at any point during the entire film. All of this occurred to me at once, but I didn't want to believe that he hated my homeland so I racked my brains, he must of worked of at least worked with someone British... H had. Once. In Schindler's List both Ben Kingsley and Ralph Fiennes appear. However Fiennes plays a Nazi so that is very much a wash.

Once you beat them, you get to keep their uniforms.

What always bugged me about this is that Spielberg is definitely an educated man... he is also a Jew and as such he should feel some slight gratitude towards the one country that didn't wait to be attacked before they told Nazis to fucking do one. I'm not including the French because when you shout it over your shoulder whilst retreating toward Paris at full pelt it doesn't really count. I know that argument is filled with holes and doesn't really work on any substantial level but Spielberg started it with his needless hatred of all things tea loving.

Pictured: Britain

However recently Mr Spielberg seems to have changed his mind about my small sceptred isle. I noticed this whilst watching Tin-Tin, which by the way is an awesome film certainly one of the high-lights of my ridiculous Oscar-thon. That movie stars Jamie Bell, Andy Serkis, Daniel Craig, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and McKenzie Crook and was written by Steven Moffat, Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish. That's a pretty fucking british. This was the same year that he cracked out Warhorse... but that movie would have been utterly impossible to adapt to use American's as the yanks brought very few horses across the Atlantic with them. I'm not sure if I was wrong about Spielberg or if he recently realised he was wrong to be such a massive racist but either way in light of this recent change I feel like I should apologise for all the cruel and horrible things I've said about him.

I'm sorry Steven... You Rock.

I will not however retract my statements about him wearing baseball cap... grow up. You look like a child from the Make A Wish Foundation.

eddie <and stop hanging out with lucas he's a dick>

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