Calm Down... Cocks

So the CDC has recently released a statement saying that there is, currently, no zombie outbreak in the mainland United States, side-note: I told you so, which leads me to ask a serious question. When did people in charge of important things start taking our bullshit seriously? Speaking as a self styled expert on the undead menace, I've watched the right films and read the right books, I don't want to live in a world where the CDC has to release a statement like this every time the internet engages in some form of ridiculousness. For those that don't know the Centers For Disease Control are the branch of the US infrastructure responsible for stopping horrific outbreaks from ravaging the american populace. These are the people who in addition to stopping outbreaks of things like ebola, bubonic plague and all manner of horrible diseases from killing tens of thousands of people every time there is a case in a built up area also have to be prepared for a biological attack launched by a terrorist group. So I am understandably pissed off that they've released this statement.

It made me put me murder face on.

You're probably wondering why it would bother me. I mean one of there guys just sent out an e-mail or something, right? Well actually there is no way the CDC would release a statement like that unless they'd actually checked. No really. Everyone who works at the CDC has seen the same films as us. Have you ever seen a denial given by an authority figure who didn't at least check which didn't come back to bite him the... well on this occasion face I suppose. I'm not saying that the CDC set up a lab and pissed away a whole bunch of money on this, in all probability they rang the coroner of record and had a very brief conversation.

“Dude. Zombies?”

“Fuck no!”

“K Thanks”

That is absolutely all that would be required. The reason that this pisses me off is that even that tiny amount of effort, fuck it even releasing a gorram statement is to much time for a supposedly serious person working in a genuinely important job to devote to something so fucking stupid.

Pictured: Fucking Stupid.

Let me explain I spend a fair bit of my spare time preparing for zombageddon, I also resolutely refuse to accept that dragons have never existed. These are both major parts of the bizarre pop-culture collage that makes me the fascinating chap I am. They are also the parts of me that get completely and totally shut down on the rare occasions where I have to be a fucking grown-up. Thanks to the fact a large part of the internet has developed into a playground I rarely have to behave that way but it's fucking worrying to find out that the grown-ups are taking our games seriously.

"I don't know why Mr Dinosaur can't fix the economy... I'll call the president"

Chuck Norris exists in two very separate forms. There is the real Chuck Norris who is at best an above average action star who's only real claim to fame is getting his chest hair ripped off by Bruce Lee. Then there is the internet Chuck Norris a towering behemoth of a god-man who shits tanks. As long as those two forms remain separate all is good. If however the US Army felt that they needed to release an official statement explaining why they weren't using Chuck Norris to end the afghan conflict I think that we'd all feel justified in telling them to fuck off back to work.

Fuck Chuck Norris.

I'm concerned that this is just one part of a growing trend. The ridiculously photogenic guy has been interviewed on nationaltelevision. Why? Because the internet is the most important invention in the history of human communication. Unfortunately this means that some people have made the mistake of believing that the communication that happens on it must therefore be important. It is not. Just as it has been since time immemorial the majority of human communication is at best noise and at worst word-faeces. The only thing that has changed is visibility. In the past if me and my friends wanted to spend six hours discussing, in minute detail, every single available problem we have with Skyrim, which we have done, no-one else would have to here it. Now those conversations happen online which puts it just a few keystrokes away from everyone else on earth. This does not make those conversations important.

Pictured: Unimportant Opinions

I'm certain that as a key component of the social interactions that make life worth living these conversations are absolutely vital but in the same way that I don't feel it necessary or even wanted that the president release official comment on what Tracy did to Darren in the pub last night I don't need the fucking CDC to tell me that there isn't a zombie outbreak.

eddie <plus it ruins the fun>