The Honourable Member For Rumble Upon Cheem

I occasionally engage in a little light recreational time travel from time to time, you know nothing serious, I can quit any time I want. On a recent jaunt I ended up six months in the future I present a transcript of a news report I caught on the beeb…

... I can't think of anything funnier than his face...

<Andrew Marr> I’m broadcasting to you live from the astounding scenes here at the Falkirk bi-election. To bring those who haven’t been following this story up to date. This by-election was called to replace former Labour MP Eric Joyce following his arrest for assault on several other members of the House of Commons. Being in police custody meant that Mr Joyce was no longer able to fulfil his duties as a representative of the people of Falkirk. Mr Joyce was awarded a 6 month suspended sentence in light of his previous good character and his guilty plea. It is worth noting that many legal experts at the time maintained that it would be incredibly hard to get a conviction but it startled all the pundits when Mr Joyce announced that he intended to stand at the election as an independent candidate. We now go live to his campaign manager Jeff Wills. Jeff.

<Jeff Wills> Andrew.

<AM> Many believe that this is election is a foregone conclusion given the massive amount of support Mr Joyce has received would you agree with that?

<JW> Well, Andrew, we’re not counting our chickens yet but it seems that our campaign has been fairly successful.

<AM> This would be the ‘Some People Deserve A Slap’ campaign.

<JW> Yes. Whilst Eric was awaiting trial he was flooded with letters that were near universal in their praise of his actions, many of them providing lists of other public officials that people would like to see get punched in the face. Eric said to me ‘Democracy is about giving the people what they want.’ So we decided to run this campaign. Let me promise you this, Eric is a man of his word and if he say’s someone’s getting a punch, then they need to book the day off work to get their face patched up.

<AM> If returned to office who will Mr Joyce’s first target be?

<JW> Well I feel it’s important to make it clear that Eric has cut all ties with the Labour Party so this will be a completely bi-partisan program. Everyone is fair game, but frankly the overwhelming front runners at present are Nick Clegg and Theresa May. People just really want to see those two people get punched in the face.

<AM> How do you feel about recent statements by David Cameron saying he is completely willing to punch Nick Clegg himself if that’s what the people want?

<JW> Mr Cameron is a privately educated man with no combat experience, Eric served as a Major in the British Army and is a former judo champion, I think it’s obvious which of these men is going to provide the kind of face punching the British people feel the members of the House of Commons deserve. I’d like to take this moment to state that Eric isn’t planning on limiting this new program purely to the house of commons, he plans to very quickly roll it out to both the business and financial worlds. The people of this country have a very long list of people that they feel need a good kicking and Eric is the only man willing to give the people what they want.

<AM> Following the disastrous performance of the English team at the Euros this year how is Mr Joyce responding to the many public calls for someone to punch England’s football stars.

<JW> If elected Eric will be assessing all requests on a case by case basis, but we believe that there are presently higher priority face punchings that are required what with the country’s current economic situation.

<AM> Mr Wills, Thank you for your time. Well there you have it…

"I have to go somewhere a smug twat needs a smack"

I know it’s shocking isn’t it… I thought we’d do OK in the Euros.

eddie <the future is brighter, if slightly bruised, place>