Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Everything I Know I Learnt From Computer Games

If at first you don’t succeed you might not have the right power-ups.
You only get health-packs before the boss fight.
Without the right ammo even a rat can kill you.
Even an army of a thousand henchmen can be killed one at a time.
The stronger you get the more things you need to carry.
Going the right direction is the best way to miss-out on stuff.
Why jump when you can double-jump.
Talk to strangers if you want to but they will want you to do stuff for them.
Practice makes perfect but pure dumb-luck makes awesome.
If you aren’t willing to desecrate someone’s corpse then you aren’t truly angry.
Anyone can survive a long fall, but few people can swim.
Focussed rage is the most powerful force in the known universe.
There is no limit on how much ammo you want, need or can carry.
Food exists entirely to fill your health bar.
The three most important things in life are health, stamina and mana.
Power is nothing without control.
There is no upper limit on hatred.
Everything has a weak-spot.
Sidekicks are annoying and pointless but friends are invaluable.
Crime pays.
Doors are fucking invincible.
Stairs are boring.
No matter how important something is it’s never as important as a mini-game.
You never know which quests are a waste of time until after you’ve done them.
Bosses have all the coolest stuff.
The police are just better equipped henchmen.
No matter how epic the quest all you need to leave home with is your wits.
When you only have one life shit’s serious.
Dying to get the extra life is pointless.
There’s always another air-bubble.
Always be prepared to lose everything, except your starting weapon.
Science is at best a gamble. At worse it destroys the universe.
Sometimes you just need a massive hammer.
If something doesn’t look right investigate.
Hearts are valuable.
The best weapon is the weapon you make yourself.
Just because something looks cute that doesn’t mean it’s not dangerous.
There is no such thing as too fast.
Grinding sucks but levelling up rocks.
The more real it is the less you can carry.
Just because you’ve done something a million times it doesn’t mean you’ll do it now.
There are no games like the games you invent.
Everything is multiplayer with the right people.
You cannot drop quest items.
You don’t have to like a girl to save her from the bad guys.
War is hell… but so is the mushroom kingdom.
… and finally
Everything is easier if no-ones watching.

eddie <digitise to philosophise>

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