Wednesday, 22 February 2012

A Clear Victor!

I'm a fan of smart, funny, engaging, gripping, entertaining and, above all, well written television and living in the UK I get the opportunity to sate my appetites at many a table. Aunty Beeb supplies me with not one but four outlets of creative genius from the Doctor on One, through Two's charming Mr Paxman, Three's incredible Being Human all the way to BBC Four, the stomping ground of the ever impeccable Mr Stephen Fry. Similarly Channel 4 supplies a veritable televisual feast through it's many outlets... they even let Charlie Brooker make a fictional prime minister fuck a pig. Even good old Five supplies my habit in the form of the superb Five US. Ass to all this the plethora of digital delights as well as the heady joy of my Sky subscription and I am awash with televisual wonder. In point-of-fact everyone in British TV industry is doing a tremendous job, consider my hat doffed in your direction... 

Bravo sirs, bravo indeed.

...well except ITV. Long ago ITV gave up any pretence and descended into a nightmarish freak-show. I was seriously considering get the listings for today's excretia but I'm not going to bother it's easy to guess what's on the menu...

The disappearance of this logo marks the exact point ITV stopped giving a fuck.
  • 06:00-10:00 Good Morning from the Uncanny Valley. A circus of the benile hosted by a parade of not quiet human present-o-bots and Lorraine Kelly
  • 10:00-12:00 TV to hat humanity to. A series of talk-shows where the worst specimens of a species you already felt uncomfortable being part of are grabbed from the streets of Dagenham and corralled into subhuman screeching matches by Jeremy Kyle or similar.
  • 12:00-13:00 Idle gossip disguised as news.
  • 13:00-14:00 Yet more idle gossip this time from a bunch of thoroughly objectionable cunts who need to have a power-tool shove into their respective uteri.
  • 14:00-15:00 A psychic makes things up at 'celebrities' who are such non-entities you'd have trouble pulling them out of a line-up minutes after they'd raped you, which this being ITV they might.
  • 15:00-18:00 Attempting, and failing, to capture children’s attention span long enough to sell them food and toys that will eventually kill them. They might as well call CITV the Kiddy- Smack-Push-A-Thon.
  • 18:00-19:00 More 'news' for dimwits.
  • 19:00-22:00 Corrie and some bullshit show where they you behind the scenes of whatever their latest circus of reality freaks happens to be.
  • 22:00-23:00 Hey look it's the only bit of news that might not be shit, oh no, someone 'famous' has had a problem and is pretending it's a social issue so they champion it and repair a recent PR disaster.
  • 23:00-00:00 Jordan or Peter Andre being a twat.
  • 00:00-06:00 Cunts in a jungle... I'd prefer it if they just showed Teletext like back in the nineties.

There was a time when this was the best thing my TV did.

Given that I was particularly surprised to learn that there was going to be something on ITV that I wanted to watch...

No... watching this with adverts merely high-lights how nightmarish the world we live in is.

Now for those of you who aren't entirely clear on my feelings towards lovely, lovely Adele, I'll clarify. Adele's voice is one of the greatest things to happen to music in years, it is one of the greatest wonders of the modern age. In addition to that every time I see her being interviewed she seems funny, smart and down-to-earth. It doesn't hurt matters that she also happens to be absolutely fucking stunning.

Pictured: A woman who could hunt down and eat Kate Moss and still have the energy to shag.

I'm listening to 21 as I write this, it's not planned it's just how I spend about 10% of my time. All of these combined means I was really looking forward to watching Adele's acceptance speech at the Brits, her victory being a foregone conclusion to anyone with fully functioning set of ears. Some of you probably get where all of this is going. Here's Adele's acceptance speech from the Brits...

… 33 seconds, that's how much time she was given to express what was clearly going to be a heartfelt and speech and then ITV made James Corden hate himself by cutting her off. What was the reason for this. To cut to the news. The lead story of which would clearly have been Adele winning at the Brits. They knew they had a time limit and they knew that Adele was going to be greeted by rapturous applause why not fucking move things along earlier. Cut a bit of Blurs set... or in fact just about anything else. Well Done ITV you've made me choose between you and Adele... smart fucking move, whilst Adele just gave ITV the finger making me fall in love with her even more... which I didn't even think was possible at this point.

eddie <where is ITV HQ I want to set it on fire>

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