Monday, 16 January 2012

An Open Letter To Scotland

Dear Scotland,

Hi, how's it going with you guys. How's the weather, I understand it gets chilly up there during the winter. It's been a little cold down here as well but I'm sure you guys have it worse, but then you are a hardy people and I know you'll be coping with it much better than we do. So I've been hearing that you guys want independence.

Imagine my surprise when I learnt
Independence wasn't a brand of whiskey

I can understand that. I get that maybe the rest of us take you for granted, I myself have made many a joke at your expense but hey you gave us Frankie Boyle, if anyone can take a joke it's you guys. If I'm honest I'm not massively worried about you guys leaving from an economic stand-point as much money as Britain makes out of the offal, shortbread and heroine industries, we spend almost as much trying to make sure you guys live past fifty. That's not to detract from your many fine achievements, hell you guys gave the world whiskey and I'm pretty certain that even if everyone in London went out tomorrow and sucked of the first homeless person they found we'd still not be close to thanking you for that one.

Pictured: Scottish People, Not Pictured: Dignity

On a serious note though you're as much a part of British culture as the English are. We're the bickering couple of the world political scene and you leaving the relationship isn't going to help anyone. I'm certain there's nothing wrong here that we can't solve by sitting down and having a chat and a nice cup of tea.

At least we can agree on the awesomeness of tea.

Is this working at all? It isn't is it. OK, fuck it I'm jump straight to the core of the issue. Don't leave, please, please don't leave. As much as I love the Netherlands I don't want to move out there, all my friends live here. Sorry I've gotten a bit ahead of myself there. You're probably wondering why I'm talking about moving to the Netherlands. Well I got to talking with my flatmate the other night and we realised something terrible about Scotland leaving the Union. It fucks Britain so hard it hurts.

I've quit smoking but there are *ahem* other attractions

You see there are 59 parliamentary constituencies in Scotland. There are 650 constituencies in the UK in total. Simple maths lets you know that removing Scotland from the UK leaves us with 599. So that'll be a little extra room in the Commons. Eric Pickles will have enough room to sit down without crushing the two bastards next to him, it doesn't matter where he is sitting it's the House of Commons they're all bastards. The problem comes when you give those seats a cursory glance, let's have a look at how those seats break down shall we.

            • Conservatives         306
            • Labour                    258
            • Liberal Democrats  57
            • Other                      29

So as you can see the cunts don't have a majority meaning they've had to team up with the back-stabbers. Let's play a little guessing a game. How many of the scottish seats do you think belong to the Tories?


Fucking 1! Let's have a look at how those figures would break down without the scottish seats.

            • Conservatives         305
            • Labour                    226
            • Liberal Democrats  45
            • Other                      23

Without those scottish seats a party only needs 300 seats to form a majority. That's right Scotland you're going to give the UK, and more importantly London, to those cunts. Scotland as a country you just about break even, without you the UK is still the worlds fourth largest economy and you're giving it to the FUCKING TORIES! This is page one of the evil-doers play-book, divide and conquer, they've even done the thing where they trick you into thinking it's your own idea. Come on you hate those cunt's more than I do, if you leave the UK then they've one, if you stay you can keep being a thorn in their side constantly fucking with their plans of world domination by the simple act of not voting for them... you do that anyway. 

The number of results for angry scottish people  is fucking ridiculous.

So stay with us and don't let those fuckers win... please, how can I sweeten the deal. You can have Prince Harry, he's the most entertaining one, fuck it we'll throw in Pippa Middleton.

eddie <don't leave me trapped with these bastards>

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