Sunday, 2 October 2011

Stupid Children

Why do we waste our time on teaching our children the wrong things. Sorry let me rephrase that why are we wasting our time on teaching your kids the wrong things. I know what your thinking, "Hold on a cotton-picking minute, you're not teaching my kid anything." At least that's what those of you with children and a quaint turn of phrase are thinking. Well allow me to explain why you are wrong... and stupid. I pay tax. That money gets spent by the government on hospitals, infrastructure... and a whole bunch of shit I don't agree with like pointless desert warfare, giving shitty bankers who are frankly so piss-poor at their evil, soulless bloodsucking profession that they couldn't turn a profit in an industry that's only a whisker away from theft, knee-pads for Nick Clegg and educating your shitty children. 

Nick Clegg: Leaving David Cameron's office
desperately in need of some mouthwash.
Now for some reason people are absolutely OK with organising mass protests against most of the things I just listed but you try to organise a protest against Education and suddenly you're the cunt. So look here's the deal I used the education system... well I attended I'm not sure I learnt anything that I couldn't have learnt from a combination of the internet, BBC documentaries and QI repeats... anyway I get that I should payback that shit but you know what just present me with the fucking bill. However that's not the system we've got instead we've got the system where even if I pay off all the debt I accrued getting bored in a government facility then I still have to pay my share for your fucking children. So here's what I want the fuckers learning.

Meth 101

How to behave on the public transport system:
I'm not just talking about not playing shitty music on the phone that you shouldn't have fucking bought for them anyway. No I'm talking about the smaller but much more important things like don't stop at the top of the stairs, move fucking quickly and be aware of the fact that there are other people in the world you inconsiderate fuck-spoon. If you don't know that someone is behind you then natural selection should have dealt with your genes along time ago. Seriously I'd say that 50% of my daily rage is caused by this kind of bullshit, that's more than fascism.

If you slow down my journey you go above
Hitler on the list... or if you're Nick Clegg,
at least Hitler wasn't a hypocrite.

How to fight:
There was a time in the long-long-ago when the children of the rich and noble houses of this fine nation were taught how to fight and how to take up arms in times of danger and peril. They would rise to the rank of knight and use there skills to uphold the law, keep the peace and mercilessly slaughter people of opposing faiths. Jump forward a few hundred years and the only people who learn how to fight are criminals, the children of alcoholics and the genetically unemployable group we call the armed forces. So lets teach all kids how to fight and to stand up for what they believe in and then when some gang of chavs kick-off on the bus they'll have their faces kicked in.

I politely request that you to give up your seat for the young lady?
No? Very well then. Have at you good sir.

The value of humanity:
This recession wouldn't be happening if it wasn't for the fact that at least 15% of the population would gladly suck-off a goat while murdering a toddler for the right price... and I mean they'd suck it off well, work the shaft, cradle the balls go the whole nine-yards. These people are easy to spot they wear suits, carry briefcases and have no souls.
He'd kill your children for organ harvest if someone
constructed a reasonable business model based on it

Every single politician is a cunt:
If you want to be a politician that pretty much renders you the wrong candidate for leadership of any country. If a politician comes canvassing at your door, punch them.

Sometimes it's easier to spot that others.

You are not special:
Everyone wants their child to grow up with high self-esteem but you shouldn't, you should want your child to grow up with the correct level of esteem. Have you ever met an adult who had way higher self-esteem than they should. Those people are called douche-bags and can be located on 'The Only Way Is Essex'. I want a generation to grow up with the self awareness to know exactly were they fit in the world. I'm sorry that you have to hear this but if your child has low self-esteem it might be because your child sucks. Fix it's personality and the self esteem will rise automatically.

Pictured: High Self-Esteem
Not Pictured: Self Awareness
Now I'm not saying that these things will make the world a better place, but it's my fucking money and this is what I want it spent on. I also would like a portion of the nations finances put to one side to take those orphaned by crime and turn them into an independent army of Batmen.

... I have nothing to add.
Hey while I'm spit-balling ideas here I'd also like a law passed about when we can use the Army and how much we can spend on it, so that we'll willingly go all out if we get attacked and we'll spend a bit of cash when a despot is murdering his own people but we won't plough £100,695,102 a day into the desert because the Prime Minister likes getting invited to the fucking White House. Unfortunately that idea is unpatriotic unless more than 50% of the country agree with you so let's focus on the school thing. If you're a parent and  have an issue with these ideas then I'll gladly take the cash back instead.

I'll add this to my pile of disposable income.
eddie <no cheques>

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