Thursday, 6 October 2011

Drunk At The Wheel

If you get behind the wheel of an auto-mobile you have entered into an agreement with the universe. "I understand that the natural limitations of my species prohibit the kind of high-speed transport that modern civilisation demands. I willing accept that by breaking these fundamental rules of nature I'm taking a risk and I accept the consequences of those actions." As a society we have worked our hardest to mitigate these risks in order to make the integration of the combustion engine into our everyday lives less of an insane decision. 

Pictured: Insane decision with no mitigation whatsoever
You can't get behind the wheel of a vehicle unless you've jumped through multiple hoops and that is all fair and just however the result is that the use of any motorised vehicle has become one of the most regulated activities in the western world. You have to have passed a basic test to prove your aptitude, of course you do you might be a moron. You have to be insured, again this completely fair you're engaging in an activity that has the potential to kill, maim or just plain ruin someone else's life. You have to make sure that the machine is maintained to a certain level, again fair enough if the engine of your vehicle explodes it would be an all round negative thing. There are rules an regulations governing what goes into and what comes out of the vehicle. There are laws governing which animals are allowed to take control of the wheel, never cats... cats are socio-paths. You have to follow pre-set paths at pre-set speeds. There are even rules governing the cleanliness of your blood stream.

Safety-belt is a term that is open to interpretation
All of those rules exist because you are a filthy little idiot and the people who run the world know that you cannot be trusted. Always keep that in mind the slick advertising men we let make our polices and run our governments, the lying cheating journalists we entrust to uncover the truth, the swindling gambling cheats that handle our money, the lawyers (no need for further insult there) who handle our laws and corrupt cowardly twats that police our populace DON'T TRUST YOU!  

That's right Nick 'Judas' Clegg doesn't trust you... filthy Mudblood
Strangely the statistics on the dangers of motoring aren't that shocking the odds of you dying in a car accident this year are roughly 1 in 6500 or 1 in 83 over the course of your entire life. A quick Google for the largest ever car accident reveals a that a strong contender is a 259 car pile-up on July 20th 2009 left dozens injured and 10 in a critical condition. Those numbers are not that bad when compared to the 6.8 billion people currently on this planet. However the odds of you being effected by the current financial fiasco are 100% unless of course you are a subsistence farmer.

This man is unaffected by the global economic down-
turn on the other hand he has never seen HD porn. 
Ah-ha, we close in on the point. You see, you don't need to pass a standardised test to become the CEO of a large financial institution, a Harvard degree is actually pretty meaningless based on success rate. You don't need bank insurance to run a bank, things go tits up and you just get a bail out and fuck up the global economy. The United States government recognises corporations as having the same rights as citizens... but without the responsibilities and with automatic trust. You see when the global economy spirals into the fuck-jar the impact is much greater than when a car crashes. Seriously the tough economic climate has led to peak in domestic violence, suicide, murder and the good old fashioned merciless slaughter of ones entire family. That's without mentioning the drop off in funding for charitable causes be it environmental, humanitarian or artistic. The economic collapse has been a cluster-fuck that has not just ruined lives but ended it's fair share and nowhere near enough people went to jail for what happened. 

Nooses: Proof that there is no such thing as out-of-options.
Now gentle reader you know I'm not one for the mindless pissing and moaning... at least not without offering some suggestions so here are some suggestions for fixing the world's financial system. First of all lets introduce a standardised test for CEO-ship, filled with simple questions such as "Should you lend money to people with no means of being able to pay it back?" (hint: NO! NO YOU FUCKING SHOULDN'T) Secondly, Bank Insurance paid yearly by every bank make it mandatory so that next time there's a financial collapse the private sector can take it on the fucking chin like a fucking adult, rather than turning up begging like a bunch of whiny shit-rats. Thirdly, let's me opt the fuck out every employment contract I have ever signed stipulates that my pay has to be paid into a bank account by direct debit, that should be illegal if I want to be paid in cash and keep it in an empty can of Special Brew I keep in a local badger-set then that's my call. Fourthly... you know what I'm dropping the numbering now... Tax-breaks for ethical and sustainable investments. Bonuses linked to the performance of accounts not to share-holders profits. Finally, you should not be allowed to float banks on the stock-market, I fully understand that you need investment but lets make it a system where it's harder to just cut and run maybe a 2 year minimum holding. 

To be fair my original plan was just rounding up everyone in a suit
and gassing them... sadly the Nazis ruined gassing for everyone
I know what your thinking, "That seems like a lot of rules." Well you know what I'm not legally allowed to fill a tanker with petrol, a bear with vodka and a lake with sarin gas-capsules and see what happens when I throw a judicious amount of speed and bad judgement into the mix. So you know what? We have rules to stop dangerous stuff, and this falls under that classification. Of course all this requires those in government to grow some balls and stop putting money first and actually give a shit about people instead. Alternatively we can go the other way admit it's all about the money and start preparing ourselves for the Thunderdome.
Bear Vodka: Most disappointing image search ever.
eddie <bears are top of my list of animals I want to teach to talk and then go drinking with>

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