Wednesday, 28 September 2011

The Infestation

Thunderdomes are one of the few
underrated upsides of the coming
It happened slowly. So slowly that no-one noticed. Steadily there numbers grew. Before we had time to adapt they were everywhere. Our resources can't support them. They're presence is crippling our species and raping our planet. Everyday as a result of this unstoppable swarm children are dying. Species are being wiped off our world, a world that is being irreparably scarred. Lakes run dry and crops are devastated. They spread disease. They destroy the environment. They are an unstoppable force of pure destruction. There is no way of reasoning with them. They will never stop until our planet is an uninhabitable desert. A wasteland in which only the strong survive and people battle for glory in the Thunderdome.

 I'm talking, of course, about people.


This is kind of a good metaphor for Planet Earth... if it was
also going over a rickety bridge, on fire, while on it's way
to Auschwitz... and more people were still climbing on.
That's right the human race, is a fucking plague. Oh what's that you don't agree? Do you think a locust thinks of itself as part of destructive swarm? Of course not all life-forms on earth act according to their nature. Of course all other creatures on Earth are kept in check by the forces of nature. Rabbits over-breed and foxes eat the rabbits. The foxes eat to many rabbits and the foxes die out. You eat too much food, you go to the shop and buy more. Human's as a species are cannibalising themselves. Over a billion people on this world are currently going hungry, another billion are obese. Try and pretend that your part of a rational, empathic and intelligent species all you want but if you live in the west every other bite of food you've ever eaten was pretty much snatched from the mouth of someone in the third world. Did you know that if the all agriculture in the world was organic the planet can only support four billion people. So the human race is currently sitting at about 2.8 billion over capacity.

So what can we do to get the numbers down?

Other than the obvious?

I'm pretty certain that this guy
isn't going to cure cancer 
Well I'm not about to propose a cull or anything as mental as that but we're the only species on the face of the Earth that places anything other than absolute value on our own lives. So you know what? Lets take away the safety-net. First up no more warning labels and safety notices. You want to make toast in the bath? Go ahead, you are surplus to requirements. You want to drink bleach and have no idea why that's a bad idea, fucking do it man. Next up let's stop trying to make it illegal to endanger your own life in the name of fun. I've never seen anyone try to bounce from one skyscraper to another via trampoline... I want to see that and you know what if someone want's to do that fair-play. Do you want to put the extreme in extremely fucking stupid? I salute you and your continued efforts to entertain me.

Next up TV and Sports are nowhere near as entertaining as they could be if you removed the health and safety element. I want to see Total Wipeout with actual death-traps, UFC with weaponry I want F1 to be more like Deathrace ... basically I want to watch the Running Man live via a satellite. I want the human race to cull itself for my entertainment.

Except without the jumpsuits, because seriously fuck jumpsuits.

In  the future there will be a monuments to
this man and those of his heroic ilk.
I also want all governments to stop subsidising breeders. You want to have kids fine, feel free your genitals and their waste products are your own business but you should not be receiving preferential treatment for that decision. Social housing, government hand-outs and tax-breaks should be a reward for not contributing towards an ongoing problem not an incentive for adding more creatures to the swarm. Seriously you contribute to the ongoing consumption of the human race then you should pay more tax to help clean up the fucking mess. In fact fuck I want tax-breaks for smokers and drinkers and anyone else speeding up there exit from the show, and let's ban all fertility treatments seriously you want a child, adopt and prove your worthy of the honour of parenthood. Look I know a lot of people who read this post are going to say that I'm wrong for hating on the human race but not a single one of you would be complaining if I was talking about a global plague of cats would you?

Don't adopt the ginger ones though
just leave them somewhere cold to die
However I'm not one of those people to just sit here and bitch into my computer so here are some practical tips to assist you in making the human race less populace. First-off get your tubes tied, I know that the biological imperative to reproduce is at the very core of your being but if you must spawn do so only once, it takes two to do it so that's a 50% reduction. You want more than one kid then fucking adopt, those kids already exist so your not adding to the problem. Stop voting for anyone who talks about the importance of family vote for those who want to get wasted with you and your buddies. Engage in tax evasion, this will leave less money to support schools and shit like that. Push for more chemicals in food and more nuclear power, this will increase infertility. All of these things are important measures you can take to help stem the ravenous swarm of humanity.

Oh and before I forget congratulations to my brother and his wife on the good news. I'm looking forward to being an uncle. 

Eddie <I hate sharing a planet with you people>

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