Thursday, 1 September 2011

The Blood-letting.

I gave blood today. Look at me aren't I just so fucking nice. It's always a good idea to follow up any mention of blood donations with a line that makes you look like a prick. Why? Because the minute you mention it people assume you're being all high and mighty about your wonderful generosity. I don't believe I'm better than you because I give blood, that would be ridiculous, I believe I'm better than you for a whole raft of other reasons... but that's another post, well more of a book if I'm honest. Anyway this is about the blood thing.

This is the second time I've given blood, I started  earlier this year as part of my on going "Be Slightly More Awesome Everyday" policy, a philosophy I've been developing for a while. Now the interesting thing about the first time I gave blood is that I didn't know what my blood type was. I now know I'm O-. This is a huge deal. O- blood is similar to unicorn blood, both in rarity and magical properties. You see us with O- blood (who from now on I shall refer to as The Chosen) make up only 7% of the population, but our blood can be used by 100% of the population. This means that whenever some fucking dip-shit doesn't have the decency to have their blood-type tattooed on to their face before eye-balling a bottle of Jack and going night-driving. They have to fill them up with the blood of The Chosen. Also babies use a lot of O- apparently, I don't know if this is because they do a lot of drunk driving the literature wasn't that clear.

So now I've been made aware of my magical blood I have to donate regularly otherwise I'm just killing drunk babies left, right and centre... not a path I want to go down again. There is also one other crucial reason why I need to give blood whenever I can. You who aren't of The Chosen are literally stealing my blood. You see if you're an A, AB, A- or whatever then you get a choice of either your own type of blood or mine. I can only take the precious O- because it's magical and I'm better than you. As such I'm going to address some common excuses for not donating so that when I crash my jet pack into Canary Wharf whilst fighting of the impending Robogeddon (Armageddon with more Robots and less Bruce Willis) I will have some chance of not being dead.

  1. You can't donate if you do drugs. This is not just wrong but borderline retarded, if you're in a serious accident they'll be filling you with morphine before they even think about chucking some plasma in the mix. People in hospitals are the most drugged up people, outside of a rave, on Earth, your heavy weed use doesn't rule you out.
  2. I don't have time. Yes you fucking do. Donation is a quick and easy process, they give you tea and a biscuit as well... if you don't have time for a tea and a biscuit what are you doing reading this, you should be off attending to you're vital work.
  3. I don't like needles. Well I remember that when you've had your leg removed by an angry blogger with a chainsaw. "Oh no Mr Paramedic no morphine for them, they don't like needles." Seriously grow-up and just look the other way. No-one LIKES having a pint of blood stolen, but I bet you don't like your job either and you still do that.
Now I'm going to end by outlining a scheme that I genuinely believe would single-handedly end the shortage of donors in this country. 

Reward people for giving with a day off work. 

It's pretty simple giving takes less than an hour. You can give once every three or so months anyway so give everyone the option twice a year to go donate blood, collect a receipt and turn it in at work the next day. The rest of the day after the donation is yours... try roller-blading, go to the zoo, watch an inhuman amount of porn (although not all three at once) it's up to you you've earned it.

Eddie <seriously this would work>

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