Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Rob Da Bank: Genius.

Hello Readers, yes I'm a few posts in and I'm getting a feel for the entire affair now so I shall refer to you as Readers should the urge take me... later this may manifest even further as I try and groom a private army to fulfil my many varied and nefarious wishes. I'll be honest this post is going to be somewhat meandering as I'm still fighting off the epic depression of no longer being at Bestival. I will do this by jabbering on about Bestival.

I think it is fair to say that Rob Da Bank is a visionary genius for putting together the events I have witnessed. To try and put this into any form of sensible discourse would not be in keeping with the events I've seen so instead I'm going to just try to do the entire festival in single disjointed sentences. Let's see how that goes.

"BESTIVAL! I'm so in the mood". It was actually surprisingly easy to get on top of this giant Bestival sign. Where's my hat gone? "That's not a knife it's a spoon". "Was that David Attenborough introducing Bjork... why doesn't he do more stuff like that?" "I don't think he wants to get known as an MC". According to the Construction Worker the "M" in YMCA is done with a downwards point not the over the head thing. I'm not actually certain whether or not Brian Wilson did anything during his set. Zane Lowe was DJing... constantly, it was quite hard work to avoid him. "Sorry for the shit maracas but we lost our tambourines in Berlin." I met Scroobius Pip in the Ambient Forest, that's an odd sentence to write. Tim Westwood went to Prep School with Mr.B The Gentleman Rhymer. My urge for fire can be defeated by fireworks. Is that Brass Band playing Deeper Underground by Jamiroquai... they are good I was worried I was coming over slightly odd. Marcus Brigstocke turned down 'Dancing on Ice' but he did piss in someone's handbag during The Cure. If something in a newspaper is in inverted comma's rather than quotation marks it's not a quote. We should all read Flava Flav's book, even if Chuck D looked pissed off every single time he mentioned it. "The know what is what, but they don't know what is what, they just strut. What The Fuck." MORE FROGS. So the Roller Disco, is past the Bollywood Bar near the Helter Skelter, but if you duck through the Ambient Forest Chill-out Session you can get to the Band Stand and the Tomorrow's World Tent. "The only thing this place is missing is a Ferris Wheel" "There is a Ferris Wheel" "I stand corrected". The children of Vicars know how to party. Is this a whaling shanty? It makes me feel excessively Irish. "She must be a lesbian". Bjork, I love you, you crazy Icelandic nut-case. Fuck it, next year I'm bringing a full tea set. Every band I saw looked like they were really enjoying themselves... well except for the Cure. Just Fuck Off Katy B. "When I say Magnetic..." I go see Mogwai. I tripped balls to Mogwai. DJ Shadow has a Deathstar. Holding a phone over my head for Noah and the Whale. Dancing like a twat to Groove Armada. Two men doing battle with lightning, and no matter how I describe it I won't do it justiuce. What's the Afterburner stage like? It's like being in fuckin' Mordor. Jive's making a comeback... seriously watch this space. Torrential Rain, 70mph winds and I felt like I was in Ibiza. GET BETTER.

So that was Bestival a heady experience that I'll be looking to recapture next year I'd like to say you're all invited but it's really nice and frankly it doesn't need any riff-raff.

I'll finish with two quotes one from a guy I was camping with called Dan "The proof is in the pudding and this is a damn fine pudding" and one from Bjork: "Thank you Isle of White."

Eddie <I'm the king of the swingers> 


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Katie B can fuck RIGHT off!

    Flava Flav's book is available on Amazon for £18.69, but if you want to you can just go to a Public Enemy show and he will just throw one at your face. This version will of course be signed which along with whatever damage it sustains from being launched at your face, will significantly decrease resale value... For more info on Flava Flav, follow him on twitter, where he sporadically retweets every fifth word Chuck D says.

    Zane Lowe will be curating his own version of Bestival next weekend, where he will DJ every stage all the time through a strategically deployed assemblage of clones (Zlones), whilst hiring Zane Lowe impersonators to act as the audience. The final ceremony will begin with a fireworks set up by small Zane Lowe "Zoompa loowpas (biproducts of gradually deteriorating genetic material in the Zloning process), and is set to include a performance from the National Ballet for some reason (feat: Zane Lowe), and a traditional New Zealand Haka, performed by 30 Zane Lowe special rugby-edition zlones dressed in all-blacks kit. This will continue each subsequent weekend until one Zane Lowe develops self-awareness and utters the phrase "you know what? Zane Lowe's playing an awful lot this weekend..." at which point they will fall to infighting and be harvested by the Islanders for meat.

    Blinding weekend mate!