Monday, 19 March 2012

The Deadliest Game Of All

It'll come as little surprise to my regular readers that I am regularly inundated by requests for advice from my readers. There are several tricky problems that are broached with some frequency, what's the best way to hide my money/guns/drugs/prison-wife? I've caught one of the bastards what now? Why are you following me? However there is one question that I get asked more than any of those. What should you do if you find yourself being hunted for sport? Now I've avoided answering this question as I haven't had the necessary first hand experience. Until now.

"The game is afoot"

My experience began, as these things so often do, in a seedy bar in Thailand. I'd been drinking with a few business partners. We were celebrating a successful smuggling run across the border. My first piece of advice would in fact be, don't run drugs across the Thai border. We've all been screwed over by Thai drug-runners so I'm not to go into the details of that. Let's just say that on this occasion I woke up in a large enclosure with three others. Given the predilections of Thai smugglers this was actually better than I would've expected.

TWICE! This has happened to me bastard twice!

I avoided talking to my fellow captives. My second piece of advice would be the less you get to know the others in your group the easier it will be to sacrifice them for your own personal gain later on. After spending an hour or so prowling the enclosure I discovered little hope of escape. It was at this point that an Alan Rickman arrived in a crisp white suit and announced that we were here to be hunted for sport. One of the others in the group took this opportunity to sob like a little bitch, he began begging for freedom, mentioned a wife and children back home and was promptly shot in the face. So third piece of advice would be, don't be that guy. These people are looking for he best game, the more you appear to be a viable sporting option the longer you'll survive. We were each given a map showing the island we were on, it's always an island, and the location of a boat that was our only hope of safety. I've since done more research into these kind of affairs and the maps are universally bull-shit.

That doesn't even look like a real boat... and the x is in land, what is this shit.

I made the decision straight off the bat to treat the map as suspect... because if I was hunting men for sport I'd totally lie to them like that. So after spending some time giving the appearance of playing along with the ruse I doubled back towards the starting compound. Always take a moment to consider how the hunting operation is being run. In this case I assumed that these guys did indeed have another way off of the island. Also remember that as soon as you manage to take down the first pursuer you are armed and capable of turning the tables on your foes. In my case I have the good fortune to have been used in several genetic experiments to create the ultimate warrior. I'd recommend trying to make sure that you've had that done to you, failing that you will have to rely on wit, luck and the ability to crack of smooth one-liners.

I'm more of a 'yipee-kay-ay' kind of guy than a 'get to the chopper'

Remember your attackers are expecting you to be on the run so keep your head down and try to pick off as many of the goons as possible without being detected. Once you've activated the end game it's advisable to try and kill off any henchmen in order of the amount of screen-time they've had. You will at some stage be forced into combat with the 'worlds greatest hunters'... you will not escape these fights uninjured, but each one you take care of should have a bigger gun than the last so your overall killing potential will remain undiminished. There will come a point were you have to decide whether or not to fight and kill the Alan Rickman or just try to escape, it's important to realise that what your actually deciding is whether to fight Alan Rickman in a cage or whilst hanging from the underside of a helicopter. So play to your own strengths on that one.

I have a masters in hanging from the bottom of these, and I
wrote my thesis on firing  a machine gun at the same time

Escaping the island is your last challenge. There are various ways to go about this and again it's a matter of personal style. In my case I escaped on a jet-ski whilst firing a harpoon gun at the last remaining henchmen. If you can organise an explosion at this point I'd recommend it. I actually managed to also acquire a bikini clad floozy for this final section of my adventure. I don't know how much of this advice will be of use to you but if you're good at thinking on your feet and handy with a machete there's no reason why you can't turn being hunted for sport into a fun and profitable experience... Does anyone want to buy a jet-ski.

Some slight hench-manning.

eddie <not even the weirdest part of my week>

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