Go Human Beings!

Fire has been sighted in the skies as far south as Iceland, the planets have aligned (the stars haven't because that's not how stars work) and once again the chosen will be bled. Such unusual portents must signal some special occasion, the coming of something of rare and strange power... What's that Community's back. Check the trailer here. Fuck, and also, Yeah! For those of you not in the know this is the reason torrenting exists. Go get the first couple of episodes of Community and watch them, seriously I'll wait...

Yes. That is Chevy Chase in a gimp-suit.

You done, now good. No, there's no reason to thank me. So with the best fuckin' show on television about to return to our screens here's a gaggle of reasons why you should be watching Community

1. Ken Jeong as Ben Chang.
   “I'm nuts Jeff!”
   The ongoing and ridiculous decline of Spanish Genius Senor Ben Chang, is one of the funniest story-arcs in the history of television. I'll try to avoid spoilers her but suffice to say this series with a hot wife and is now dating an mannequins leg. The man has descended into madness faster than Lex Luthor.
   
   
2. Troy and Abed.
   “I took evasive manoeuvres you can't be on my six.”
   “Then I'm on your twelve.”
   “That means I'm on your six”
   To quote star of community Joe McHale at this years Paleyfest “Troy and Abed's relationship is like nothing I've ever seen on television”. The bizarre evolution of Troy from star athlete to foolish lovable man-child has been a joy to watch. Especially in contrast to the unflappably stationary character of Abed Nadir I'm particularly looking forward to the blanket fort dwelling pair have in store for us.
   
   
3. Annie and Jeff? Troy? Abed?... Brita?
   “Annie's pretty young so we try not to sexualise her.”
   One of the great joys of Community is that any pairing within the group is not just possible but also steeped in humour, so the ongoing Jeff and Annie will-they-won't-they Moonlighting style tension has the potential to entirely spin off in another direction. There's every chance Annie could end up with any of the other cast members, except Pierce that would be wrong.
   
   
4. Academy Award Winner Jim Rash.
   “It's Feline Aids Awareness Day!”
   Not only is there definitely going to be some hilarious Oscar references, but there is also a strong possibility that Jim Rash will be dressed up as either an Oscar or Angelina Jolie at some point in the upcoming episode cluster.
   
   
5. The Dreamatorium
   “We call it the Dreamatorium”
   So far we've only seen the Dreamatorium once, and as yet we've not been allowed to encounter the strange adventures that Annie, Abed and Troy could carry out in this unusual mind-space... I'm hoping for a Star Trek Holodeck Rip-off episode.
   
   
6. Destroy Greendale
   “Why does this keep happening!”
   After two incredibly out of hand games of 'Paintball Assassin' it's became a Community tradition to absolutely destroy the entire set once a season. I will be on the edge of my seat awaiting this years dose of vandalistic lunacy.

This is their paintball episode... how can you not love it.

I cannot recommend this TV show highly enough. Community is great and if you don't agree you're are a dick.

eddie <e pluribus anus>

In Session

The following is a short story I've written for an online competition about the future of copyright the rules stipulated online publication). If that interests you at all you can check it out at http://www.indiegogo.com/Future-of-Copyright If you chip in some money for the prize you'll receive an ebook with selected texts from the competition. To make this absolutely clear I offer the following text under creative commons license.

“Studio throwing to you in, 3, 2...” The misshapen lump of ear-pieces, sweat and sandwich that was the cameraman didn't say the “one,” instead just pointing at the collection of make-up, shoulder-pads and failed dreams holding the microphone before the unflinching gaze of the camera.

“Jim, the second day of this potentially world-changing case starts in just few moments. Yesterday was very much a day of formalities with very little of the meat of the case. Gentech's legal team spent most of the day presenting the fairly complicated technical information that they felt the jury needed in order to verify the claims they are making. Today it's expected that they'll be calling Mr McQuinn to the stand.” Here she paused for a moment whilst the haircut in the studio cut across her. “That's right Jim, Mr McQuinn is the man at the heart of this case. Gentech works at the forefront of what is still a fairly new industry, there has been talk in legal circles for sometime about how current copyright law would be applicable to Gentech's products.” Another pause whilst the studio asked another inane question. “Yes. Many people within the industry are looking at keeping a very close eye on this case and, should this case go the way Gentech is banking it will, we could well see a slew of similar lawsuits.” She paused for a moment before finishing. “Thanks Jim.”

Within seconds her microphone was off and she was strutting away from the camera, all indignation and muttered dissent.

***

“All rise for the honourable judge Cubert McLesterson!” the court officer yelled as the many journalists shuffled into position. An unnatural hush fell over the court-room as the judge transported an almost-ungodly amount of black fabric to his seat on his equally preposterous frame.

“Be seated.” He motioned for the for the many performers assembled on his stage to sit with a massive flabby paw. “This court is now in session.” He punctuated the line with an entirely unnecessary bang of the gavel. He'd worked hard to get where he was and he'd be damned if he wasn't going to use every available opportunity to play with the tiny hammer.

“Counsel,” he nodded in a dignified fashion towards one of the two suits representing the plaintiff. “You may begin.”

“Thank you, your honour,” The Suit replied with a slick half-nod. “We call the defendant Mr McQuinn to the stand!” There was a slight murmur from the crowd followed by an entirely needless gavel-bang. As Mr McQuinn rose from behind the desk he was revealed to be a dishevelled-looking man, distinctly unsuited to being suited, and as such he looked decidedly scruffy. As he stepped from behind the desk he shot a nervous glance and smile towards the voluminous pregnant woman seated in the front row and slouched unwillingly towards the stand. A court bailiff solidified out of the ether with a selection of books for Mr McQuinn to swear in upon. There was a delay as he perused the stack before finally opting for a copy of Watchmen. After muttering a few binding words of dubious provenance, McQuinn returned the book and took his seat.

“Just confirm you are Mr Alonso McQuinn of 72 'I Can't Believe They Named This Awful Street That' Gardens.” McQuinn replied with a curt nod and a brief affirmation. “Can you also confirm for the court that you are currently employed at Gentech Industries?” Again a curt nod and a mumble. “And what is your roll at Gentech?”

“I'm a lead coder,” Mr McQuinn replied.

“Could you please identify this document for the court Mr McQuinn?” The Suit flourished a document skyward before thrusting it aggressively towards the stand.

“Yes. That is my code,” McQuinn replied with another nervous smile.

“Your code Mr McQuinn?” The Suit asked accusingly whilst his partner slithered from behind the desk to distribute copies to the jury. “Can you confirm that this code has been used as the basis for nearly every project you've designed whilst at Gentech?” The Suit grasped a stack of papers from the desk and slammed them down on the stand with a force that the judge, as an experienced hammer-man, couldn't help but respect.

“Well... yes everyone does.” McQuinn adjusted his glasses nervously. “But it's my code I've had forever, it substantially pre-dates my employment at Gentech...”

“Mr McQuinn, at some point or another every single piece of this original code appears in products you developed for Gentech.” The Suit purposefully strutted back to his desk seized another document, again he flourished it needlessly towards the ceiling before holding it an inch from McQuinn's face. “Do you recognise this document?” McQuinn adjusted his glasses took the paper from The Suit's claw, moved it further away from his face and pushed the lawyers still-stationary hand to one side to allow him to see the document.

“This is the employee agreement that I signed when I first started working for Gentech,” McQuinn offered.

“And could you, please read the hi-lighted section... Mr... McQuinn?” The Suit asked, flashing a predators grin.

“I, the under-signed, here after referred to as Minion, agree that any and all works produced pertaining to the realm of genetic construction and modification whilst employed at Gentech, and any derivative works, are the sole copyright of Gentech and it's parent companies; Morally Questionable Developments, Shady Weapons Development and Large & Soulless Multinational...” At this point McQuinn stopped and looked up from the paper. “Look, this document is designed to stop me from packing up my office, jumping ship and giving our competitors all of our information, not...”

“The court will be the judge of what this document is meant for, Mr McQuinn,” The Suit snapped, snatching the document away and placing it in front of the judge whilst the second suit once again slunk out to supply copies of the document to the jurors.

“But it's my DNA! It's really hard to write an entire genome, so we cheat by using our own and tweaking and adapting it to get the desired results. Gentech can't own my DNA!” McQuinn exclaimed rising to his feet. He'd gotten no further than halfway out of his chair when he was deflated by the judge's most emphatic gavel-bang of the day.

“You will compose yourself Mr McQuinn, or you'll find yourself in contempt of court,” he said with a satisfied smile that dared McQuinn to challenge him.

“I'm sorry your honour but it's not fair,” McQuinn moaned as he dropped back into his seat.

“This is about protecting peoples livelihoods Mr McQuinn. You can't just choose to use someone else's copyrighted materials for your own profit.” The Suit smirked with all the compassion of a shark.

“Mr McQuinn, could you please identify for the court, Mrs McQuinn.” McQuinn pointed with a trembling hand towards his pregnant wife, sitting in the front row of the court-room. “Let the record show that Mr McQuinn indicated the pregnant lady in the front row. Is she pregnant with your child Mr McQuinn?”

“What the hell are you trying to imply?” Mr McQuinn asked angrily. “Of course it's my child.”

“From the defendants own mouth!” The Suit pointed at the jury, taking two strident paces to stand before them. “Half of that child's DNA is the copyrighted material of Gentech Industries. By any definition that is a derivative work. Yet Mr McQuinn embarked upon its development without even attempting to gain the permission of his employers.” Here the lawyer reached to his table and held up another document. “This is an e-mail Mr McQuinn sent to a colleague using his employers e-mail system. It includes this line: 'Rosemary and I are trying for a baby.' This child was not an accident, but a deliberate attempt to use copyrighted material for your own gain Mr McQuinn.”

***

“I'm not going to lie to you. We're getting battered in there,” the cut-price lawyer, the best the McQuinns could afford, said, exuding an air of nervousness that was only matched by his odour.

“We've not done anything wrong,” Rosemary replied angrily striking fear into both the lawyer and her husband as only a pregnant woman can.

“Mrs McQuinn. This isn't about right or wrong it's about the law,” Cut-price replied, but he at least had the decency to look sheepish as he said it.

“He's right.” The three of them looked down the corridor to see The Suit standing a small way down the corridor. “I'm betting that settlement we offered you looks pretty good right now. And before you ask; No. My clients have made it very clear to me that getting a court decision on this is much more important than getting the money out of you two.” With that he turned on his heel and walked away with a whistle on his lips and a song in his - for want of a better word - heart.

“I wish I was heartless bastard like that,” Cut-price muttered whilst staring wistfully at his opponent's retreating back, showing once and for all where the true priorities of the legal profession lie. “We've got to focus on damage control here. We need to go in and argue not on the whether or not you are in breach of copyright, but on the profitability of your child.”

***

“Mr McQuinn, both Gentech and yourself have had a look at your son's DNA. Is there anything in there that indicates that the child will have any aptitude for high income professions? Medicine, Sport, Financial Speculation?”

“No. There's nothing in his DNA to indicate any of that,” Mr McQuinn replied to the court-room at large.

“So there's no reason to assume that this child will be anything other than a massive financial drain,” Cut-price asked with a smile.

“Well, I wouldn't say that, but from a purely financial stand-point, no. I don't think there is any reason to assume that he'll wind a up being a millionaire,” McQuinn replied.

“Objection, your honour,” The Suit cried from behind his desk. “Mr McQuinn has no way of predicting the future. Just because his child is genetically unremarkable it doesn't mean it won't go on to become a profitable individual... have you seen Jersey Shore? Those people have no talent and are still incredibly wealthy. This child has already become the centre of a media circus. The very idea that someone isn't already getting ready to approach the McQuinn's about a potential reality TV show is, frankly, ludicrous.” The Suit dropped back into his seat.

“Sustained, Mr McQuinn has no way of knowing how much this child will ultimately be worth and every incentive to misjudge the possibilities,” the judge replied, several of his chins wobbling as he did so. McQuinn and his lawyer exchanged forlorn glances.

“No further questions your honour.”

***

There was a palpable sense of tension in the court-room as the jury returned from their deliberations. It seemed as if every piranha in the state had swarmed on the case and were waiting to pick clean the corpse of the McQuinn's lives, they weren't alone though. Several Guy Fawkes were scattered conspicuously among the watchers, as well as multiple representatives of the various other online communities that had taken an interest in this case. Of all these various groups that had descended on the scene that day, the only ones not resting on the edge of their seat were the McQuinns and their legal team, who were instead drowning in a sea of perpetual gloom. A door to one side of the court swung open and the jury traipsed back from whatever hinterland they were confined to for the duration of their musings. There was a slight susurration from among the watchers. The judge responded to this with an unreasonably fast gavel slam that might have been entirely unrelated to the murmur. There were a few moments of shuffling from among the jurors themselves before all but the foreman had taken a seat. He passed a piece of paper to a bailiff who nobly fought the overwhelming urge to take a peek before passing it to the judge, who took a glance and passed it back.

“Have you reached a verdict with which you are all happy?” The Judge asked.

“Juror Six found out her cat had passed away last night so she's not that happy at the moment but we have all agreed to find in favour of the plaintiff,” he said before dropping quickly back to his seat.

The was an audible groan from Rosemary McQuinn. The judge managed to surprise everyone by exercising enough self-control to keep his gavel had still for a moment. The rest of the court seized this moment to start chattering like a gaggle of school girls, resulting in the judge banging his hammer not once but twice. He waited for silence before he spoke.

“Mr McQuinn, under normal circumstances I'd award Gentech the royalties you'd earned from this endeavour, unfortunately that doesn't seem to be applicable in this case. As such I'm awarding Gentech Industries 75% of the earnings of your child. To be garnished from it's earnings directly to Gentech. I'd suggest you get a reality-show locked in as quickly as possible Mr McQuinn. Court Adjourned.” There was another hearty slap of wood on wood and the court began to disperse.

***

“We are pleased with the verdict, obviously,” The Suit stated smilingly out on the steps of the court-house. “It is our hope that this ruling has now provided a clarification of the laws pertaining to DNA copyright and will allow companies such as Gentech to avoid the unnecessary expense of court cases such as this in future. Now there's a precedent, it will be much easier to explore out of court settlement options.” There was a question from one of the reporters that was hard to hear over the clamour. “Well, the civil liberties discussion is really something for our political leaders to talk about but they've sided with rights-holders nearly every time the debate has happened in the past.” He gave a smirk and sauntered off to his car as the media circus moved on to engulf the unfortunate couple behind him.

In Session by Daniel Edwards is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at www.eddieshtb.blogspot.com.

Non-Smoking Adverts

I have recently started to walk-down the path to respiratory health that starts with your last cigarette. Obviously the road is not smooth, alcohol gives me the steadfast will of a meth addict, but I'm making huge positive steps. There is one massive problem though. I'm now a non-smoker. As the late great Bill Hicks once said of non-smokers.

"I'd quit if I wasn't worried I'd become one of you."

Obviously smoking, or not smoking, is an incredibly tiny fraction of what makes you, you. It's a single choice and it's less significant than, say, how you vote, your favourite film or your choice of furry costume.

Furry TaunTaun. Thank you internet for ruining every-fucking-thing.

However you are allowed to judge groups based on how they choose to present themselves in the media, if you weren't then voting would actually be impossible. I'm not talking about the way smoking is portrayed, Clint Eastwood proved back in the old west that smoking makes you look bad-ass. I'm talking about the way the tobacco companies, are legally obliged to, comport themselves as opposed to the anti-smoking campaigners. Here's a tobacco advert... no those exist any more, so here's a cigarette box.

Stark, honest and brutal. These cigarettes are bad. They will harm you . They say it right there on the box. That message couldn't be more straight forward. There is absolutely no subtext. Actually there is an important subtext. That message says. "We trust you to make your own decisions based on the available facts." So let's look at an anti-smoking advert.

Cynical, manipulative emotional blackmail... the radio campaign that goes with this is worse, but I can't find it online. This campaign makes me want to smoke, just so I'm not in the same camp as these bastards. That's something I've always felt. I have a real problem with authority. That's not to say that I automatically ignore anything that comes from a  'higher power' it just means I like to weigh up the merits of any message, or the person(s) delivering it, prior to following it.

For example if the authors appear in the books and come
out of it really fucking well, it might be made up

This approach to life is one I feel is common among smokers, there is a reason smoking is perceived as, for lack of a better word, cool. I'm not saying smoking is cool. However anti-authoritarianism is a key building block of cool and I feel that the initial choice to start smoking is intrinsically linked to that trait. As such these anti-smoking adverts are not just immoral but also ridiculously ineffective. You see the moment you start using these methods to argue your case you taint the argument itself. Anti-smoking adverts need to be clear, simple and above all bullshit free. People who are still smoking are not going to be swayed by being told they're going to die in new and interesting ways. Instead these adverts need to focus on the same things that unhealthy stuff does in advertising. Be funny, charming and interesting. As such I now pitch the ultimate anti-smoking advert.

The FACT stamp makes it true.

We open on to guys side by side running up a country road, it's all close shots, both guys are wearing normal work out gear and both are equally sweating and breathing equally heavily. We get a freeze-frame. DING! A caption appears. "One of these men smokes". We then cut to a wide shot which reveals that the two men are being chased by a slathering pack of werewolves. One of the men starts to flag and starts to fall behind the other. DING! "Smokers are 95% more likely to be mercilessly slaughtered by werewolves". BOOM! Effective, funny, memorable and people will soon be quoting it at there smoking friends.

eddie <I could change the world if people would listen to me>

Unlabelled

Recently, due to the debacles of SOPA, PIPA and ACTA, the subject of piracy is being discussed more than it has been since the 1800s. With the ongoing attempts of the content providers to colour all of us who choose the path of the download as criminal ne'er-do-wells. I, like a lot of people, download tons of stuff from the internet and can only apologise to the music industry that the £700-£800 I will drop on gig tickets this year is sadly not enough. Some of the keenest advocates of the pro-piracy argument, other than the residents of coastal somali villages, are the artists themselves. Given that, I think it's a fair point that the argument has never been between the pirate/customer and the content creators but rather between the pirate/customer and the content providers. That's a very important distinction because it paves the way for an important question. Do we need the content providers? The obvious answer here is, in nearly every case, yes. It costs millions of dollars to make even a relatively cheap television programme, films cost even more and let's not even talk about how much it costs Nintendo to make Mario again. That does leave us with one question. Do we need the record industry?

"Coldplay are big at the moment, could it sound more like Coldplay"

In the long-long-ago, the before times, we tolerated these sleeze-balls because they held the keys to the means of production and distribution. It cost a lot of money to make a record and to then distribute that to the record stores, record stores you may remember used to be places to buy music rather than to build collections of vintage vinyl. Obviously it costs thousands of pounds to put an mp3 on the... wait a minute. If you think that there is some kind of con going on here you are not alone. The music industry is notoriously unfair to the musicians. You see the industry works by loaning money to musicians in the form of an advance. It's basically a loan. Like all loans it has to be paid back. Due to this arrangement and the share of royalties artists receive, 20%, it is entirely possible for a film to make 11 million dollars and whilst the band fail to receive a single penny. This means that the second album will also require a loan to fund...

I can't believe there was a picture for this.

So what does the artist actually get out of this deal in the current day and age. They get their album professionally produced and distributed. Things that you don't actually need. Over recent years the increase in the availability of home recording tech and software, it is entirely possible for talented amateurs to put together an album that is indistinguishable from a “professional” album. Hell the Foo Fighters knocked together their latest Grammy winning album in Dave Grohl's garage, obviously Dave Grohl's garage is probably nicer than your house so it might not work that well for you. Why not record some live performances shove the videos on YouTube and build a bit of a following, once the audience is there fly on over to Kickstarter and get the audience to front you the money to hire your producer and the like.

This is what I'll front anyone making a Firefly themed album.

The record label will at least help you get the publicity you need though, they'll make sure the right radio stations play your tunes. Unfortunately none of the radio stations want to play your unique blend of battle-metal, chap-hop and nerdcore, so the record company tells you to be more commercial, to play it safe. Any record executive worth his salt will tell you, for example, that all singers need to be super-sexualised slut bags to hope of having success. Record labels are the reason the charts are cluttered with identikit pop nonsense who happen to be the exact same reason that you currently hate music. The record industry is a mechanism to take young fame-hungry “musicians” and take them from Nevermind The Buzzcocks guests, up to the heady heights of Nevermind The Buzzcocks guest presenter before finally dumping them into the Nevermind The Buzzcocks identity parade.

... I'm not as funny as the Buzzcocks writers.

The musicians who make a proper career of it fight the record label every step of the way. I'm not saying that all record labels work this way, some of the independent labels give a lot of control to the artists but the fact that this is a selling point for these labels says it all. Instead of relying on that process these days, due to the joys of the massively interconnected web of cables we have slung across this little blue marble, it is entirely possible for you to reach every single potential fan. You don't need to reach every single person on the net, you just need to promote yourself in the right places.

Much like the way your mum works the docks after the ships come in.

What about touring, surely the label will be of some assistance there? Well through the process of crowdfunding, it's not just possible to have a sell out tour without any help from the label it's actually impossible not to. You can sell the tickets then book the right venue to fit everyone in. You don't have to worry about overheads, just sell the tickets for the price we all know a gig ticket costs and work the rest out later.

£7.50!!! Seems fair.

The basic point I'm trying to make here is that these days it takes a lot of hard work to make it as musician without a record label, but you get to earn money whereas the old system was easier and it made a lot of money but you'd never see it. Please remember those are the people who call you thieves for downloading the Led Zeppelin back catalogue. After writing this I suppose I'd better promote my friends bands so check out The Subterranean Popular, The Intergalactic Graffiti Artists and Jail

eddie <take the power back>

Somewhere There Is A Crime Happening

Recently leaked documents pertaining to upcoming privatisation of West Midlands and Surrey police forces have shown that the British Government plans to give over the investigation of crimes and detention of suspects to private companies. In other news they also plan to clone dinosaurs for an elaborate theme-park, televise blood-sports involving wrongly convicted felons and give control of the nations military to an experimental artificial intelligence. Yes that's right ladies and gentlemen the Tory's have finally proved that they do indeed have a vision for the future of Britain, a nightmarish dystopian vision of the future. Has anyone ever read a book or seen a film or played a game where having a private company run the police force was anything approaching a good idea. It's the plot of freakin' Robocop. The conservatives clearly never watched a single film ever.

Ladies and Gentlemen... The future of Britain!

Leaving aside the fact that the economy, which is entirely privatised, recently proved that private companies either don't have a clue what they are doing or are inherently evil. There's the much more important fact that private companies sometimes need to be investigated for crimes. Letting them run the police will somewhat hinder this. You're also giving the board of that company control of what is essentially they're own private army. Hey don't worry at least you can go out and protest against this ridiculous idea, that's your right as a citizen, it's not as if the private corporations have the power to stop you from protesting... it's not like they run the police or anything. You see there is a reason that a privately owned police force is a such a common plot device in fiction, it's for the same reason that evil alien flesh-eaters are so popular, it's because the idea is, rightly, terrifying.

The ED-209 will actually be Chancellor of the Exchequer

I'm not going to even remotely pretend that the police force in it's current independent form is perfect. However it is not answerable to the whims of profitability and the marketplace and that's a good thing for society. I know that a situation in which a CEO simultaneously runs both a cities security forces and it's criminal gangs thus benefiting from two revenue streams and slowly increasing his power through careful double play is incredibly unlikely, but it isn't impossible under this scenario. I don't know if anyone watched 'The Cape'... who am I kidding I know no-one watched 'The Cape' it was terrible to watch and it'll be worse to live... but even the outside possibility that a framed cop will fake his own death and team up with a gang of circus performing thieves to bring down the system is not enough of an upside to make me embrace the idea.

Especially when Vinnie Jones is part of the deal.

Private Corporations are answerable only to their share-holders as such the only thing that a private company cares about when operating the police force is going to be profits, especially when all of the share-holders will have there own personal security supplied by the police. This entire scheme opens the door for multiple competing police forces not sharing crucial information, to the wealthy being able to privately employ the police and to the possibility of a multi-tiered policing system based on independent fees a multi-level billing system. Also Robocop.

"My friends call me Murphy... you can call me Robocop"

Don't get me wrong I love the concept of living in a world with a Robocop in it, I'm just not keen on living in a world that requires a Robocop in it. Unless the Robocop thing is exactly what Theresa May is aiming for on this, and then she can have an army of cyborgs she can program to not think she's a complete insanonaught.

eddie <I'd buy that for a dollar>

Wicked Witchcraft

I'd like to talk about the recent convictions of Magalie Bamu and Eric Bikubi. For those who aren't aware Bamu and Bikubi were recently convicted of the horrific and brutal murder of Bamu's 15 year old brother Kristy. Kristy's post mortem revealed 130 seperate injuries inflicted over the course of four days. He is reported to of begged for death before finally slipping beneath the water in the bath and finally drowning. Why was this done? What possible justification could these peopl have for their actions? Well it's simple really, they believed that Kristy was a witch. I'm going to repeat that because it bares repeating. TWO GROWN ADULTS KILLED A 15 YEAR OLD BOY BECAUSE HE WAS A WITCH! Please take a few seconds for that to sink in. A boy is dead because two people were allowed to believe that witches exist. How was this allowed to happen? Who is teaching people, of any age, that this kind of horse-shit is real?

Well it wasn't going to be Harry Potter, was it.

Whilst there has been no reporting on the religious tendencies of Bamu and Bikubi, I think the fact that they believed in witches and believed them to be bad indicates they followed one of the branches of Christianity. There are people on this ball of rock who hold the bible up to be an airtight bundle of facts. Let's see what this fascinating document filled with a message of love and harmony have to say on the subject of witchcraft.

Exodus 22:18 - “Thou shall not suffer a witch to live.”

A better quote would be

Eddie 2:15 - “Witchcraft isn't real. Grow up.”

The bible makes several references to the subject of witchcraft which is a huge amount of time to waste on something that is, fundamentally, made up especially when it utterly fails to mention dinosaurs, germs or atoms. It's particularly odd because God would obviously know whether or not witches were real. So either witches are real or the bible is wrong. If we've determined that one detail in the bible is wrong then the validity of every section is called in to doubt, and before you know it the entire house of cards comes tumbling down.

This is what happens to religion when you use logic on it.

Instead the people who make their money off of the belief industry choose to ignore the inconvenience of reality and spread the 'truth' of witchcraft, demonic possession and all the other nonsense in their magic book. I'm not saying that Kristy Bamu would still be alive today if it wasn't for religion... Sorry that's actually exactly what I'm saying. Also I think its important to be clear that I don't believe that every Christian would murder someone for being a witch. However all christians do believe that they have been instructed by God to kill anyone they believe is a witch, and those mother-fuckers fucking love them some God.

They're not keen on people though.

If a drug kills someone, or even if it doesn't, it gets banned. If someone is killed trying some new, and stupid, activity it gets banned. If someone is taught to believe really stupid things and kills someone no-one even questions it. Christianity is a gateway faith. Once you've started to raise people to unquestionably believe in one thing then you've paved the way for them to believe other things without question.

Like that the earth is regularly visited by unrealistic aliens

I want to be clear, I have the utmost respect for the murderers in this case. If I met a witch, and I was certain they were both really a witch and a evil, I'd kill that bitch faster than you could say Avada Kedavra. It's fuckin' heroic. A lifetime in prison is a small price to pay for the safety of all mankind. It's the fuckers who diddled with their minds enough to make them believe this shit that are to blame for this. As an atheist I lay the blame squarely at the feet of a long chain of con-men with a penchant for frocks and silly hats, if you're a believer then it's all Gods fault.

So please in remembrance of Kristy Bikubi keep religion away from your children.

eddie <Expelliarmus!> 

Here Comes The Sun

Would you like to hire some military to protect your country from various wrong-doers and ne'er-do-wells? Well if you are after the best of the best may I recommend my crack-team of happy-troops? What references do the happy-troops have? Well they were previously known as the Waffen SS and ran operations such as Aushwitz, Belzec and Treblinka extermination camps where they slaughtered millions of Jews on an industrial scale. Oh, I know what you're thinking, don't worry we've got a new commanding officer, gotten rid of a few bad apples and we've got a new name. Of course you don't want to do that you'd have to be, not only a moron, but possibly a complete and total psychopath.

"What about if we call ourselves the 'Bunny Brigade' would people like us then?"

I'm not sure if you have the mental wherewithal to recall the long-long-ago but there used to be a publication in the British Isles called the News of the World. It was a grotty and horrible publication they mostly published massive lies and small retractions, every now and then though it would in fact publish something that was true. It was never an important thing, never in the public interest, but it would be interesting to those whose taste ran towards tittle-tattle and idle gossip. It spent most of it's time sharpening it's claws waiting for the perfect moment to tear down those people it had built up in the first place. It's entire purpose in life was to make the world a worse place.

... not unlike...

Then one day some people started to ask questions about where the News of the World was getting the rare true stories from. It turned out that the News of the World had gotten these stories illegally. No-one cared. Then it turned out that they'd not just got these stories about celebrities but also about real people. Real people who'd already had enough tragedy in there lives without a bunch of lying, twisted evil little shit-rakers breaching their privacy.

"I don't just like the taste of dead children but also what they do for circulation!"

The people of Britain were outraged, and for once those of us who lived here could take a small amount pride in a fellow Brits. NO! We cried as one people! Take your sordid little rag and get it the fuck away from us. Begone from our lands and never darken our news-agents again. So by now some of you are probably wondering what the fuck was occurring in that first paragraph. Strangely I wasn't just babbling like an incoherent fucktard.

... I'll pay cash to anyone who can make this picture funnier.

You see there's a new newspaper that has just launched in the UK. It's called the Sunday Sun. Now I'm certain some of you have managed to leap ahead of me here.

Bravo!

When the News of the World breathed it's last, no-one involved in it's production was actually fired, except for the editor. So all of those bastards that evaded arrest have now moved out of the offices of the Sun, downstairs from the News of the World's office, back upstairs and back to their old desks. There is an upside to this, I no longer have to feel any pride in the braying jackasses I share an island with because, for the most part, they fucking fell for it. A new driver and a new lick of paint don't make for a new car. The Sunday Sun is the News of the World. It is the same pedlar of lies, gossip and scum-baggery that it has always been and if you for one foolish second have allowed yourself to be fool then you are what's known as a fucking moron.

Much like this fine fellow.

Look I'm not saying that the average person is stupid enough to have fallen for this... but half of the people are below average. Those are the idiots who gave Simon Cowell a career, made Jade Goody out to be some form of hero and bought the News of the World successful in the fucking first place and after a brief moment of clarity they're back, to fuck it all up again.

eddie <a rose by any other name will still hack your voicemail>