The Home

The four old men sat out on the porch of the home while the evening sun toiled its way across the heavens, a cool breeze rippled the soft grass of the lawn as they watched some of the other residents potter around the garden.

“You don't get sunny days like you did back in the day” The man who spoke was an Egyptian gentleman sitting on the left of the group. He had the look of a man who had been tall and muscular in his day but now was small and withered, he sat in a rocking chair with a blanket covering his legs. He was wearing a baseball cap with an eagle on it which would've shielded his eyes from the sun were it needed, his eyes were milky white and obviously didn't work. He swung his white stick in a line close to wear he imagined the horizon must be. “Not like today, can hardly see a thing” With that he let out a sickening wheezy laugh closer to a death rattle than a sign of amusement.

“Ray, that joke was old when you first used it and it won't get younger.” The man next to him responded with a thick Norwegian accent. The second speaker didn't appear to belong here he was old but in the same way a grizzled marine sergeant is old, he was almost completely bald but what hair he did have was long and white and tied into a pony tail going down his back. He took a sip from a large metal tankard. “Why won't they let me drink beer, can't stand this fucking water.”

“Because your liver and your bladder are shot and when you drink beer that nice young nurse has to clean up your piss.” The man on the far right of the group replied with a very passable Italian accent with only the slightest hint of it's Greek roots. He had a short crop of white hair that stuck out in all directions giving him the look of a man who had spent to long in a Faraday cage. He spoke with the soft coolness of a man who is used to people listening to what he had to say regardless of what volume he spoke at. “I don't understand why your always in a bad mood these days Don.”

“I don't get why your not.” The Norwegian replied. “I mean look at you, back when we were young we used run the scene, we were powerful men. You stabbed your own Father in the back just to get a shot at running the family business.”

“True, true,” The Greek nodded in response, “but you mellow with time, plus running things just takes it out of you, if you'd told me back at the height of it all, with the politics and the violence that I'd live to be an old man I wouldn't have believed you.” As he said this he pulled out a pipe and pouch of tobacco.

“You see that's where you went wrong,” Don replied “I never wanted to run the show I was happy being out and about. When there was trouble I didn't want to be stuck behind a desk I wanted to be on the front line sorting things out.” As he spoke the Greek loaded his pipe and held it in front of the much smaller man sitting between, them there was a bit of a shuffle and the pipe was lit.

“Thank you, Bill.” The Greek said and took a lug on his pipe.

“No problem, nice to be useful.” The man in between them spoke with a clipped British accent. He was the smallest of the four and had small goatee beard with a kind of ragged look to it, his hands where coated with strange pock marks and nicotine stains. He reached into his unkempt red hair and pulled a cigarette from behind his ear. He cupped his hands over the cigarette and fiddle with the top pocket of his green jerkin for a moment and when he sat up right the cigarette was lit. Almost as soon as it touched his lips he coughed ferociously. The Greek slapped in on the back until he spat out what looked like a piece of tar. “Cheers...” Bill took another, much longer, lug on his cigarette. “Don's right though Chief we used to be big news and now look at us. I mean what happened.”

“Well I know what happened to me” Ray croaked from the end of the line. “Some fucker muscled in on my turf.”

“Alls fair in love and war.” The Greek replied. “Anyway I'd have more sympathy for you if I hadn't rolled with the punches.” As the Greek said this Bill nodded along. “Look when then fucking Italians rolled up and started trying to take my turf what did I do. Did I roll over, no I re-branded, I knew I had the stronger product and I pushed it. Not to long later I had the whole of Europe in the palm of my hand” As he said this Bill nodded in a very matter of fact way.

“Indeed, Ray as I recall you just rolled over and before you knew it all bang...” Bill added “That's all she wrote.”

“Fuck you, Bill.” Ray wheezed. “At least people fucking remember me, my name still carries some weight in the world.”

“Fuck me.” Bill retorted. “Fuck you. They may not remember me but they remember that it was my lads who were the first to start giving the Italians a good hiding. No disrespect Chief” He said nodding to the Greek

“Oh, none taken at all Bill, that was an over ambitious move and was widely regarded as a mistake believe you me.” The Greek responded

“Better than what happened with us.” Don stated.

“What exactly did happen with you?” Ray asked

“Exactly.” Don said taking another swig of his water. “I wasn't even around turned me back for what seemed like fifteen minutes and when I came back the Jew had muscled in took over the whole show. I mean I'm still known about and I get a lot of respect, but that's not money in the bank is it?”

“Fuck the Jew” The Greek responded and all four of them nodded in agreement.

“Do you think he'll ever end up in here?” Don asked in the tone of one who doesn't particularly care for the answer.

“Oh of course he will.” Ray responded. “Look I've been here long enough to see nearly all of them come through here. Some are lucky, people remember them, and maybe they last a little longer than the others but in the end we all go the same way.”

“It's not like it was.” Bill said “I blame education, time was anyone could get a gang together, get out on the the street and move some product and within no time you were a player. Now you've got to be ruthless to push your way into the game at all, people know to much these days, they've seen the results.”

“I mean the only people making any money out of the game these days are the Jew, the Fat-Man and the Arab.” The Greek responded.

“Oh but anyone can push to addicts and that's all those three are doing.” Don replied

“I wish I'd thought of doing it the way the Jew and the Arab do it though” Ray chipped in. “Just franchise the entire damn operation, no additional employees just all the pieces of pie flowing right to the you.”

“And your Dad” Bill said, the four of them chuckled at this which seemed to nearly kill Bill and Ray.

The conversation continued like this for the next few hours, with back and forth about the old days. Old rivalries turned to amusing anecdotes by the passage of time, the same passage that had turned these old enemies into friends as the differences between them had crumbled to dust. Their camaraderie strengthened by shared hatreds and a fondness for looking back based on a fear of looking forward.

As the sun dipped lower in the sky and the four men sat around the table by the window continuing another round of the exact same conversation they'd been having for years

“... No she wasn't my girlfriend she was my daughter...” The Greek was saying

“One of” Bill interrupted with a chuckle.

“...fine one of my daughters.” The Greek continued.

“Then why was she your date?” Don asked.

“She wanted to see the place... Always look after your kids that was my rule.” The Greek said with a authoritative tone.

“Shame your wife didn't agree.” Ray responded.

“Oh she looked after her kids...” the Greek paused for a moment, “and I looked after mine!” There was another round of the throaty coughs which the passed for laughter in the home. As they continued talking a small sweaty black man hobbled towards them wearing traditional African garb.

“Hey Jengu, how's it going.” Don said as he saw him.

“Fantastically my friend...” he spoke with a voice that was so deep and powerful that it often caught people of guard. “Have you heard about the Jew?”

“What about him?” Asked the Greek without turning to face the wizened African.

“He's on his way down.” The smile on his face transmitted to his voice and filled it with a vengeful joy. The Greek turned in his chair and a series of crackles that might have been his back where all ignored. Even Ray's useless eyes were fixed on the African. Don got up and grabbed a chair from nearby and made a space for this bearer of interesting tidings. Jengu took his seat and looked at them, he coughed and in a flash a glass of water and a cigarette were presented to him he settled into his chair with a grin that threatened to take the top of his head off he put the cigarette in his mouth and within seconds Bill moved forward and lit it for him. He had the air of a man who was about to clean up at the poker table, savouring the moment before he lays his cards down. Time seemed to slow down. Still he didn't speak.

The Greek leaned forward and put a hand on his shoulder. “Jengu I know you like to build the moment,” the Greek was almost growling as he said this, “but I swear on my honour that if you don't tell us what you know soon, you'll leave this table in a body bag.”

Jengu laughed “Fair enough, well the word on the street is that, he's having some major problems with his people and not the sort of thing he can use his influence to sweep under the table. Turns out a lot of his street level employees, have been dipping there pen in the company ink so to speak.” Jengu said glancing over his shoulder.

“So they've always done that you just kick 'em out or make 'em apologise.” Ray chipped in. “Basic public relations.”

“Not when the company ink is under-age boys.” Jengu's grin grew bigger as their jaws dropped. “This isn't a one-off either turns out it's rife in the organisation, the last three or four of his top guys have been working to cover the whole thing up.”

“Now, that's not right I never hurt kids and anyone working for me who did was looking for trouble.” The Greek replied.

“Now they're trying to play the innocent and are coming out and criticising the police. They've even been arguing with out-right facts for a while now.” Jengu sat back as he said this with an air of achievement on his face. “Apparently he said that what he's going to do those guys will make Hell look easy.”

“Well beginning of the end for the Jew then.” Bill responded.

“Oh he'll hold America for a while, that markets hooked on what he's pushing but yeah not much longer if you ask me.” Ray replied.

Some time later Bill was sitting out front of the building looking towards the gate, he was the only one there and he'd never been gladder to be anywhere as the car pulled up to the bottom of the steps, two orderlies rushed past him and jogged down to the car door.

“GUYS!” Bill shouted but no-one responded. So instead he rubbed his hands together quickly and then clapped as hard as he could, a massive fire ball exploded making a noise that reverberated through the building, within seconds Don, The Greek and Ray had hobbled outside to see what the noise was. Bill was sitting there with half of his clothes burnt off pointing down the stairs. The three of them looked at the car.

“What the fuck was that noise.” Ray asked.

“It was Bill he made an explosion.” Don replied without moving his head.

“Why did he do that? The orderlies won't like it.” Ray replied.

“Shut up Ray.” The Greek replied.

“I don't need to shut...” Ray was halfway through responding when the Greek cut him off.

“It's the Jew, Ray, they're bringing in the Jew.” The Greek responded. More people had congregated at the door, a whole host looking to the bottom of the stairs where the orderlies were opening the door of the car, the Jew stepped out. He stood at about six foot tall with an incredibly straight posture and had long hair and sandals other than that though he didn't look much like the man they remembered, he'd put on weight he was wearing an incredibly expensive suit and sunglasses that were clearly helping him nurse a hangover his beard was ragged. He looked up the stairs and took his glasses off. He saw the assembled crowd looking down at him and glance over them with a smirk. As his eyes reached the Bill, Ray, Don and the Greek the smirk fell, and a look of fear fell over his face, he turned to climb back into the car only to be grasped firmly by the two orderlies who started to drag him up the stairs as he got closer they could all see that he looked older, and the look of terror on his face just made it worse. The Greek clicked his knuckles while he kept his eyes trained on the Jew as he was dragged past him still struggling all the way.

“You can't put in here with those psychos they'll kill me... You can't do this! You can't! Don't you know who I am?” The screams faded as the orderlies dragged him of for orientation.

“This is going to be fun” The Greek smiled. He looked at his cohorts and smiled, he hadn't seen them this energetic in years, smoke was rising off of Bill and he had a strange fire in his eyes, Ray's dead eyes were pulsing with the power of an exploding star and Don's hands were clenching and unclenching.

“Yeah it is” said Don. “Just wish I had my hammer.” The Greek smiled and as he did electricity pulsed over his teeth in the most alarming fashion.

“Yeah this'll be fun” The Greek chuckled and with that the four of them went inside to await the newest resident of their little community.

My Work Ethic

Some people love to work. These people are freaks of nature that I will never understand in a billion years. Even once the entire human race has been expunged from space-time, all the stars have died and the entire universe has slid towards entropy, I will not understand this trait. Allow me to explain this more fully. Confucius once said "Find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life" I agree totally with this statement. If you have your dream job, if you awake in the morning with a smile on your face and a song in your heart if you truly passionately enjoy what you do, then you don't actually work. If you'd do it for free and the fact that you get paid is nothing more than a bonus then you are not working are you? If you'd happily spend your entire life making cupcakes then doing that for a living is not work. If you'd happily spend your entire life punching people in the face then being an MMA fighter is not work. If you are a man then being a pornstar is not work.

"I was supposed to leave 5 minutes ago...
OK fine... but I want time and a half"

The point I'm trying to make is that I get that there are certain jobs in the world that mesh up with certain people, I also get that you can draw a certain satisfaction from grinding through the shitty little jobs you have to do to get to the job you really want. No I'm referring to the jobs that no-one wants, there are billions of people in the world doing jobs that suck. I'd be OK with that if it wasn't for the fact that these people have bought into the myth of job satisfaction. Job satisfaction is a devious and evil myth. On one occasion I and my flatmate of the time drank an entire bottle of Sambuca in a single sitting afterwards I was satisfied. I once pissed away a year of my life not just completing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas but fucking owning it like a bitch, afterwards when the I looked at the 100% I felt satisfied. Today at work I sorted out my desk... I did NOT feel satisfied.

Pictured: My Happy Place
Not Pictured: All The People I Killed There

Job satisfaction is one of those myths that was invented by the people who employ you in order to keep you under control. If they can convince you that you enjoy work then they've already won. The strange  thing about the way work works is that the fundamental reward structure. The people who are happy to work insanely hard, end up becoming CEO's. These are the people who will be able to retire at the age of 50 and spend the rest of their lives laying in a hammock drinking rum out of a coconut... and they will hate every second of it. Whereas those of us who wish to spend our lives laying in a hammock drinking rum from a coconut will spend our lives toiling for others. Currently the world is having something of an economic hiccup. I think that part of the problem is that the world has bought into the ridiculous job satisfaction myth.

If I was here you I probably wouldn't be writing this blog.
The things I do for you people... and I don't even charge.

You see the whole point of human advancement is to get to a point where we don't have to work. The one thing we should all be striving towards is a world where every pointless, dreary and un-fulfilling task is performed by robots or children from the developing world. I want us to be free to focus on the creative and fulfilling stuff that we want to do. Creative pursuits, art, literature, creating wondrous things that will be cause awe and joy throughout the world... or just laying hammocks drinking rum out of coconuts. Sadly it's very difficult to find jobs with a strong hammock bias. I'm not saying everyone should go and quit their jobs, but maybe we could all swap so that those of us with some spark of life could take the good jobs and those who were dead inside could just do the shit ones.

Anything where you have to talk to the
general public is a shit job... they're morons.

eddie <will write for cash>

Reverse the polarity

I'm sick and tired of polarisation. Let me be clear here I'm not talking about magnets, the earth's core or the national grid. I fully understand that those things require polarisation, in fact it's an integral part of their function. No I'm talking about the polarisation of arguments in day to day life. Actually I'm not even talking about that, I'm talking about the assumption of polarisation. This assumption has recently been impacting a significant number of my conversations. It as led to me to a simple conclusion, everyone in the world is a fucking moron. Allow me to explain that opinion in full. I have conducted 27 years of exhaustive research into the human condition, that I like to call this being alive, from this I am unable to conclude that every single human being alive is a sparkling genius of titanic proportions, therefore the only available alternative is that you are all morons. What's that you say? There are a multitude of other options in between those two bat-shit mental assumptions? Well actually no there are not, not under the rules of debate that the entire world seems to have adopted at a meeting I must have missed.

"Item 2: All women will pretend not to find bald bearded
bloggers attractive despite it being a transparent fiction"

It first came to my attention during the London Riots, and yes I mean the London Riots this was before it became hip and other cities started joining in, when a lot of people decided to entirely give up on morality, intelligence and rationality. You see a lot of people decided that the best option was for the police to pick up machine guns and open fire into crowds of people, because heavens know the that's always proven to be the best form of crowd control available. Especially when the police are completely immune from mistakes as they are in Britain (Brazilian fare-dodgers not withstanding). I on the other hand felt a need to point out that opening fire on a crowd, even a crowd of rioters, was wrong... I could list a million reasons for why that's the case but instead I'll just ask you to go watch the Running Man, seriously go watch it I'll wait... GO. FUCKING. WATCH. IT.

I know that I keep pushing the Running Man but that's because
every time I don't Arnold Schwarzenegger drowns a puppy...
it's a long story but basically, never play poker with an Austrian. 

You done? You better be because I will cut you... Good well before you thank me for reminding you to watch an awesome film, I have a question. Why was Arnie in prison? Because he refused to follow an order to open fire on a crowd of rioters. Now if you're in favour of shooting rioters you must also be in favour of the imprisonment of Action Heroes and while that is a great plot device it does make you a baddie, if you're OK with that that's fine but you will die horribly. Anyway I've meandered somewhat away from my point here, and that point is that when I stated I was against the casual murder of crowds of people, many people asked me if I felt the rioters deserved a reward, a hug or a biscuit. Now I'm not going to use this article (using the 'a' word again... please, please take me seriously) to discuss the riots and my views on them as I still don't think enough time has passed for a rational perspective, maybe at the six-month point. Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that in the eyes of those engaged in the debate the only options available were killing all of the rioters or rewards, hugs and biscuits. I hope to fuck these people don't breed as that blinkered view will result in a lot of dead kids... like more dead kids than is desirable. You see my view was actually in the middle of these two equally retarded ideas, what's wrong, I said, with merely, I continued, kicking the ever-loving fuck out of the rioters, I concluded. I wanted rubber bullets, hose trucks and casual night-stick beatings.

My version of the middle ground is very different from others.

This polarisation reared it's ugly head again more recently when I got into a debate about fox-hunting at work. Now first of cards on the table time I'm a vegetarian... that's all I have to say on that subject, I'm not preachy about it because if there's one thing I've learnt from my carnivorous friends it's that the minute you start being preachy about what other people choose to eat you become a tedious arsehole. However my vegetarianism doesn't blind me to logic and reason, I like people but I think our numbers need to be cut and I feel the same about foxes. Foxes are lovely creatures but so are tribbles and if you get to many of either it'll cause problems. Fox hunting was a cruel and futile way of controlling fox population that has been, rightly, replaced with more humane methods. However the minute I said I was against fox hunting I was asked if I was a vegetarian, I replied with the affirmative (it doesn't do to tell fibs, even to win arguments) at which point I had to listen to a tirade of points about the need to control fox population. The assumption was made that as I was against the cruel and pointless extreme of fox hunting then I must want to let foxes eat babies, I don't just to be clear I definitely don't want that. 

Google Image Search: fox eating a baby... first result.
Conclusion foxes have great PR.

However this is the point where we get to the problem with making assumptions about this kind of thing. The chap I was arguing with then proceeded to lecture me on the need for a badger cull to stop Bovine TB. This chap had already decided that I was a liberal nut-case so my opinions against badger culling could be easily ignored. Firstly I had it explained to me that I don't know what badgers are really like. Well my home-town contains a metric fuck-ton of badgers. I know all about the vicious streak they have but I also think that the only species on the planet to ever launch a tactical nuclear strike isn't really in a position to judge. I then had it explained how a badger cull is the best way to stop the spread of Bovine TB... but it's not. You see badgers are estimated to be responsible for about 17% of cases of BTB, where as the rest of the cases are due to fields being a little to close to each other. So when you have two factors on a 17/83 split I figure you address the big number first and the government scientist who published the report on the link between badgers and BTB agrees with me.

Couldn't find a picture of a badger in a lab-coat.

This is brings me ever so circuitously to my point, when you decide anyone who disagrees with you're point of view is on the extreme of the other end you miss out on actually finding real solutions. For example it's entirely possible that instead of the entire human race being a bunch of retarded morons or a bunch of super geniuses that the real answer, as usual, lies somewhere in the middle.

The Angel and The Atheist

The Archangel Gabriel was lying on a chaise lounge listening to an incredible piece of music that Mozart and Cobain had just composed for steel drums. He looked at his watch. He had to meet Leonardo for drinks in half an hour; just time for another one of these amazing cocktails…

“There's a man at the gates who won't come in.”

Gabriel lowered his sunglasses to look at the figure who had just hurried towards him. “What do you mean he won't come in?” he asked in a languid tone.

“He says he doesn't want to.” St Peter said in a nervous tone.

“What do you mean he doesn't want to, Peter?” Gabriel sat up.

“Just that. He says he won't come in unless some basic questions are answered first.” Peter was running the hem of his robe through his fingers. Gabriel had frequently suggested that Peter get Versace to run him off a suit, but Peter said the robe was important; people always expected the robe.

“What sort of questions?” Gabriel asked.

“Well, that's it. They're sort of complex.”

Gabriel raised a perfectly formed eyebrow at this. “Really, Peter? How complex can they be? You have access to the knowledge of the ages.”

“Look, you'd better just come and see for yourself.” With that St Peter hurried back to the gate with his funny little shuffle that had become a favourite of Chaplin's to impersonate.

The two of them walked back towards the gate, opened it slightly and Gabriel walked outside while Peter pulled the gate closed.

“Can I help you at all?” Gabriel asked, taking his sunglasses off to stare into two of the sternest eyes he'd ever seen, which baring in mind he'd had breakfast with George Washington, was saying something. The man was a taller gentleman, wearing a fine black suit, with a touch of grey in his hair that gave him the distinguished look of an Oxbridge professor.

“I'm an Atheist,” The Atheist replied.

“No you're not,” Gabriel said. “You might have been before but, here in this place,” he extended his arms in a gesture that took in the giant pearly gates and the cloud-like substance they were standing on, “you cannot be.”

“None of that!” the Atheist interjected. “The existence of jolly bearded fat men isn't in doubt, but there definitely isn't a Santa. Just because this is all here doesn't prove any of the major faiths correct.” The Atheist’s tone was that of man who wasn't going to arrive at any conclusions until he'd examined all of the available data.

Gabriel had encountered non-believers before; Darwin still maintained he was an atheist. “Fair enough,” he said.

“Anyway,” the Atheist continued, “if this place did adhere to any of the major religious texts then I wouldn't be here.” Gabriel had to admit this was fairly iron clad logic that was, unfortunately, based on bad information.

“That is incorrect. The words of God were corrupted by men in search of power. You have lived a good life and that was all that was required. So, if you'll just sign the forms, you can come in,” Gabriel replied with the level calm of someone who has been through this explanation more times than could possibly be imagined.

“I don't want to.” The Atheist said in a simple monotone.

“I don't think you understand. Through these gates lies an eternity of pleasures you couldn't possibly even begin to conceive.” Gabriel delivered this line with a hint of used car salesman about him which reminded the Atheist that Lucifer was supposedly an angel as well.

“I don't think you understand. I want no part of this.” The Atheist replied, again keeping his voice calm and flat.

“Look you can't just stay out here forever, you're holding up the queue.” Gabriel motioned to a queue that seemed to go on for an eternity and well might.

“I don't care. I don't want any part of this.” Now the Atheist seemed to be losing his patience. This was new to Gabriel; he normally spent the vast majority of his time trying not to be impatient with mortals.

“Look it's not up to you, you have been judged worthy and as such you are welcome to enter heaven.” Gabriel was now getting a touch impatient himself and was completely forgetting everything from the customer service seminar they'd attended last week.

“Make me.” the Atheist responded with the firmness of a man who is used to getting his own way.

“Sir I don't understand why you are being so difficult about this. What exactly is the problem?” As Gabriel said this, a little jolt of electricity sparked between his teeth.

The Atheist noticed this but seemed to take it entirely in his stride. Being dead really took the edge off of any worries that you might have; it can't get any worse can it? “Let me put it this way, when I was a kid there was another boy who lived in the neighbourhood, he wasn't nice. On more than one occasion he beat up...” the Atheist started.

“Billy Jones,” Gabriel impatiently interrupted.

“That's the one... Just out of interest, he in there?” the Atheist inquired.

“No, he hasn’t died yet. Plus he's a priest now so he's probably headed the other way,” Gabriel replied with a smirk.

“Well at least you got that right,” the Atheist laughed. “Well one day he had a birthday party at his house, which was really nice. I mean he had a pool and everything.” The Atheist gestured around him as he spoke.

“Yes and you didn't go even though he invited you.” Gabriel responded.

“Exactly!” The Atheist said this as if the Angel had made some huge logical breakthrough.

“What the hell has that got to do with this, sir?” Gabriel asked clearly not having made the mental connection the Atheist had hoped for.

“Just because your clubhouse has the best toys doesn't mean I want to join the club.” The Atheist stated in a slow and deliberate manner.

“Join the... sir you really must get over this kind of thinking, I mean here and now it really doesn't matter,” Gabriel said as he began to polish his shades with the corner of his jacket.

“Yes it does! My beliefs may have been wrong but my values weren't.” The Atheist seemed to be trying exceptionally hard not to shout.

“Listen, I understand your point of view but look, everything you heard on earth isn't completely true is it? Or we wouldn't even be having this discussion,” Gabriel said with a weary tone. “You’d be downstairs right now, having a far less pleasant conversation.”

“It's not about what I've heard. It's about what I've observed,” the Atheist responded.

“And what exactly might that be?” Gabriel asked, raising a quizzical eyebrow.

“When I was thirteen my friend Jenny had rocks thrown at her because she was different from the other kids. And by different I mean that she was Jewish. I told the boys to stop and when they wouldn't I had to step between her and the other boys. I got hit in the face by a stone and it knocked my two front teeth out. Where was God?” the Atheist angrily asked.

“He was watching and he judged that it was good,” Gabriel answered smugly.

“When I was eighteen my friend Dave came out to his parents, he was kicked out of his house. He could've wound up living on the streets and died in a gutter. I invited him to come live with my family. Was God watching then?” The Atheist was shaking with anger.

“Yes he was, and he judged that it was good.” Gabriel was now growing concerned that he was going to get punched.

“After university I became a human rights activist. Every day I saw terrible things and I worked my hardest to help those in need.” As the Atheist said this, spittle flew from his mouth and landed on Gabriel's face.

“God saw and he judged that it was good,” Gabriel said taking a step back and wiping his face.

“So here is my question: If I had seen all of those things and just noted that they were bad - done nothing - would I be here now?” the Atheist asked, taking a step forward.

“No. For without action, thought counts for nothing.” Gabriel started to see the shape of where this was going.

“So what gives God, an individual who sat idly by and let all of those things happen, any right to judge me who actually stepped up to stop them.” The Atheist crossed his arms and stood back with a triumphant smile on his face.

“God cannot interfere with free will,” Gabriel said, with the slightest hint of uncertainty in his voice.

“Sorry. Is this the omnipotent creator of the universe we are talking about here? An omniscient, omnipresent, supreme being?” the Atheist asked sarcastically.

“Yes, of course,” Gabriel replied now firmly on the back foot.

“So, when those boys decided to throw the stones, he could've quite easily created another universe - an exact copy of my own but with all the individuals therein actually puppets - and let the event in question play out without Jenny getting hurt or me losing my teeth.” The Atheist now took another step back as if to let his logic dazzle the Archangel.

“Well, I suppose there's no reason why he couldn't.” Gabriel was finding this entire conversation very unnerving by this point.

“So there, without the need to subvert free will, the innocent are protected,” the Atheist stated matter-of-factly.

“But without that incident you wouldn't have been tested. You may never have found your calling.” Gabriel said with a hint of desperation in his voice.

“My calling was only necessary because I'm morally superior to the guy who created the universe. And while we're on the subject of free will; what about natural disasters? Why doesn't God help the people hurt by those?” the Atheist demanded.

“God cannot intervene in the world.” Gabriel replied with the dejected tone of a child who's been caught out in a lie by his parents.

“He intervened by causing the fucking disasters in the first place!” the Atheist yelled.

“He doesn't do stuff like that.” Gabriel replied, but his heart wasn't in it.

“Look, he's omniscient. That means the minute he lit the fuse on the big bang, he knew everything that was going to happen. And anyway, isn't it interfering with free will to leave a big list of rules and threaten people with eternal damnation?” the Atheist pointed out.

“Lucifer is responsible for the eternal damnation side of things.” Gabriel was on safer footing here and felt a little more comfortable.

“Only because God is a coward and wants a scapegoat,” the Atheist scoffed.

“No. That's not it at all...” Gabriel started.

“God is omnipotent Lucifer isn't. That means God could destroy Lucifer with a thought,” the Atheist stated.

“No, he couldn't. Lucifer is almost as powerful as God,” Gabriel replied.

“What do you mean nearly as powerful? What, he's omnipotent but he can't make toast?” the Atheist quipped sarcastically.

“Look, this isn't getting us anywhere is it?” Gabriel sighed.

“I just want to know what gives God the right to judge me and decide whether or not I'm worthy,” the Atheist demanded.

“Well, he created you didn't he? Or at least set in motion the events that would lead to your creation.” Gabriel said this in the same way your mother would call you ungrateful when you had an argument in your teens.

“Is that it? Is that your best answer? I'm a sentient being! My origin has no place in a discussion of my worth. I am who I am and I stand alone,” the Atheist said with the assured calm of a man on solid philosophical ground.

“Look, what do you want instead of coming in? You can't stay here forever,” the Archangel asked sounding like a man who is just desperate for a conversation to end.

“Oblivion,” replied the Atheist with an absolute calmness.

“What?” This took Gabriel by surprise! Not once in the nearly fourteen billion years since the universe had begun had anyone asked this.

“I had no intention of coming anywhere after I died. I made my peace; now oblivion please,” the Atheist requested with a smile.

“Look, I'm going to have to talk to my superiors; can you move to one side in the mean time and let the rest through?” Gabriel motioned to the infinite queue.

“Fine I'll be sitting over here.” The Atheist indicated to the right of the gate and went to sit down. Gabriel nervously went back inside and hurried off to call a meeting.

Aeons passed. The Atheist sat there waiting for an answer to his simple request. In that time literally billions of people passed by. Many stopped to ask the Atheist what he was doing, but no-one ever joined him. Finally, after the last person had entered, the Archangel returned. The Atheist got up and walked back towards the gate.

“I don't suppose there is any chance that you've changed your mind is there?” Gabriel asked.

“None whatsoever. I refuse to give your boss the satisfaction,” the Atheist replied.

“Well, I'm afraid that we will be unable to fulfil your request,” Gabriel replied.

“Why the hell not?” the Atheist demanded.

“Well, it's a bit complicated so bare with me,” Gabriel began. “Basically, the point of heaven is to reward all the good people by allowing them unbridled happiness. Unfortunately, that means that if even one person is unhappy it has knock-on effects that ripple out to everyone and it ruins the whole thing.” The Archangel seemed a bit awkward as he said this. “Now, there are people in there who like you and they want to talk to you. The fact that you're not there is causing unhappiness which is really screwing up the balance.”

“What do you do when they want to talk to people in Hell?” The Atheist inquired

“Hmm, well... you won't like this but we, sort of, let those people into heaven,” the Archangel responded.

“What the fuck!” the stunned Atheist replied. “So, if the mother of a paedophile wants to see him, then the paedophile is allowed into heaven?”

“Well, yes... we've tried to find a few work-rounds over the years but unfortunately we promised eternal happiness and we have to deliver,” Gabriel said quietly looking at his feet.

“So is there anyone in Hell at all?” the Atheist asked.

“Well, yes. There are two thousand nine hundred and forty eight people in Hell. The ones no-one wants to talk to.” Here Gabriel took a deep breath. “But I do have to admit over five hundred of those are senior members of the Nazi party.”

“Well, you can't make me come in” The Atheist replied.

“No, of course not, Sir. My employer has offered a compromise,” the Archangel responded as he pulled out a key “The universe has ended and we therefore have no need to use the gate any more. You may remain outside and have complete control over who comes to visit you.”

“I will also want a laptop computer with access to all the knowledge in the universe.” The Atheist replied with a glint in his eye.

“Fair enough, Sir.” Gabriel replied and produced one from thin air. “If you do ever change your mind please understand that you may enter at any time.” Gabriel walked back to the gate, opened it and walked through. Almost instantly he poked his head back around the gate. “It seems you have your first visitor, Sir.” With that the archangel disappeared and a small old man in a Hawaiian Shirt, cut-off jeans and sandals walked out. He walked over to the Atheist and fixed him with a powerful gaze. He reached behind him and pulled a chair out of thin air. He gestured at a table and another chair, which sprang into existence as he did so. The Atheist took a seat and sat the laptop on the new table.

“Who are you?” he asked the Old Man.

“I have many names,” the Old Man responded with a gently powerful voice.

“Oh, you’re him aren't you?” the Atheist enquired.

“Yes... So, what are you planning to do with that?” the old man asked gesturing at the laptop.

“Well, I've got an eternity to sit here and go through all the knowledge in the universe and when I'm done, I should have worked out how to end my existence,” the Atheist answered smugly.

“Excellent, should present quiet a challenge” The old man stood up. “Well, if you work that one out... Please let me know how.”

With that the old man was gone.

Drunk At The Wheel

If you get behind the wheel of an auto-mobile you have entered into an agreement with the universe. "I understand that the natural limitations of my species prohibit the kind of high-speed transport that modern civilisation demands. I willing accept that by breaking these fundamental rules of nature I'm taking a risk and I accept the consequences of those actions." As a society we have worked our hardest to mitigate these risks in order to make the integration of the combustion engine into our everyday lives less of an insane decision. 

Pictured: Insane decision with no mitigation whatsoever

You can't get behind the wheel of a vehicle unless you've jumped through multiple hoops and that is all fair and just however the result is that the use of any motorised vehicle has become one of the most regulated activities in the western world. You have to have passed a basic test to prove your aptitude, of course you do you might be a moron. You have to be insured, again this completely fair you're engaging in an activity that has the potential to kill, maim or just plain ruin someone else's life. You have to make sure that the machine is maintained to a certain level, again fair enough if the engine of your vehicle explodes it would be an all round negative thing. There are rules an regulations governing what goes into and what comes out of the vehicle. There are laws governing which animals are allowed to take control of the wheel, never cats... cats are socio-paths. You have to follow pre-set paths at pre-set speeds. There are even rules governing the cleanliness of your blood stream.

Safety-belt is a term that is open to interpretation

All of those rules exist because you are a filthy little idiot and the people who run the world know that you cannot be trusted. Always keep that in mind the slick advertising men we let make our polices and run our governments, the lying cheating journalists we entrust to uncover the truth, the swindling gambling cheats that handle our money, the lawyers (no need for further insult there) who handle our laws and corrupt cowardly twats that police our populace DON'T TRUST YOU!  

That's right Nick 'Judas' Clegg doesn't trust you... filthy Mudblood

Strangely the statistics on the dangers of motoring aren't that shocking the odds of you dying in a car accident this year are roughly 1 in 6500 or 1 in 83 over the course of your entire life. A quick Google for the largest ever car accident reveals a that a strong contender is a 259 car pile-up on July 20th 2009 left dozens injured and 10 in a critical condition. Those numbers are not that bad when compared to the 6.8 billion people currently on this planet. However the odds of you being effected by the current financial fiasco are 100% unless of course you are a subsistence farmer.

This man is unaffected by the global economic down-
turn on the other hand he has never seen HD porn. 

Ah-ha, we close in on the point. You see, you don't need to pass a standardised test to become the CEO of a large financial institution, a Harvard degree is actually pretty meaningless based on success rate. You don't need bank insurance to run a bank, things go tits up and you just get a bail out and fuck up the global economy. The United States government recognises corporations as having the same rights as citizens... but without the responsibilities and with automatic trust. You see when the global economy spirals into the fuck-jar the impact is much greater than when a car crashes. Seriously the tough economic climate has led to peak in domestic violence, suicide, murder and the good old fashioned merciless slaughter of ones entire family. That's without mentioning the drop off in funding for charitable causes be it environmental, humanitarian or artistic. The economic collapse has been a cluster-fuck that has not just ruined lives but ended it's fair share and nowhere near enough people went to jail for what happened. 

Nooses: Proof that there is no such thing as out-of-options.

Now gentle reader you know I'm not one for the mindless pissing and moaning... at least not without offering some suggestions so here are some suggestions for fixing the world's financial system. First of all lets introduce a standardised test for CEO-ship, filled with simple questions such as "Should you lend money to people with no means of being able to pay it back?" (hint: NO! NO YOU FUCKING SHOULDN'T) Secondly, Bank Insurance paid yearly by every bank make it mandatory so that next time there's a financial collapse the private sector can take it on the fucking chin like a fucking adult, rather than turning up begging like a bunch of whiny shit-rats. Thirdly, let's me opt the fuck out every employment contract I have ever signed stipulates that my pay has to be paid into a bank account by direct debit, that should be illegal if I want to be paid in cash and keep it in an empty can of Special Brew I keep in a local badger-set then that's my call. Fourthly... you know what I'm dropping the numbering now... Tax-breaks for ethical and sustainable investments. Bonuses linked to the performance of accounts not to share-holders profits. Finally, you should not be allowed to float banks on the stock-market, I fully understand that you need investment but lets make it a system where it's harder to just cut and run maybe a 2 year minimum holding. 

To be fair my original plan was just rounding up everyone in a suit
and gassing them... sadly the Nazis ruined gassing for everyone

I know what your thinking, "That seems like a lot of rules." Well you know what I'm not legally allowed to fill a tanker with petrol, a bear with vodka and a lake with sarin gas-capsules and see what happens when I throw a judicious amount of speed and bad judgement into the mix. So you know what? We have rules to stop dangerous stuff, and this falls under that classification. Of course all this requires those in government to grow some balls and stop putting money first and actually give a shit about people instead. Alternatively we can go the other way admit it's all about the money and start preparing ourselves for the Thunderdome.

Bear Vodka: Most disappointing image search ever.

eddie <bears are top of my list of animals I want to teach to talk and then go drinking with>

Wild Wild Web

Every time a new frontier has been approached by mankind it has been treated by some with fear and suspicion, by others as a place to make a better life and by others as just out of reach of civilization. When we first started to sail the seven seas of this earth that third group sailed a little further than the others to take to a life of piracy on the ocean waves. When the Americas were first discovered many chose to ride into the wide blue yonder and live life in the lawless West. When mankind finally springs free from the bonds of this island Earth many of us will instantly opt for Space-Pirate/Cowboy lifestyles. But I want to focus on the one that's happening right now.

Google Image Search: Space Pirate...
First. Damn. Page.

It's easy for people to think in the overly coddled western world that new frontiers don't exist, and even if that's not correct we think those frontiers are beyond us. There's good money to be made running drugs through South America, but it's not exactly on anyone's list of places to build a better future. NO I'm talking about the frontier that you are exploring right now. Yes this article (oh look at me trying to pretend I'm a proper writer) and everything else you encounter on the internet are the new frontier. I don't mean that in some bullshit philosophical way I mean that when we ran out of sprawling wastelands which were notoriously hard to police we invented a new one. I'm going to focus on the West for this post because I was brought up with limited access pirate movies due to Costner ruining water based films also since Monkey Island there have been no good pirate games. Whereas I've watched tons of Westerns, countless episodes of Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman and played Red Dead Redemption. Also by combining westerns and technology I'll be able to make Firefly references.

If this isn't at least part of what you want your life
 to be I'm not sure I want you reading this blog.

So I think I should first address the lawlessness aspect I touched upon above, you see a big part of the appeal of the Western genre was that a lot of the West was beyond the reach of the law. True Grit is a story about 3 people travelling for a long time to find a criminal that the regular authorities didn't have the resources to pursue. Whilst True Grit is not a true story it is typical of what the west was like and indeed what the internet is like. I'm not saying that anyone reading this article has ever shot a man over a game of cards... although if you have yo can tell me, I'm cool... but you have all certainly breached international copyright laws. Now there are a million and one justifications for doing that, if House aired in the UK as the same time as the States I wouldn't need to download it, would I, Fox *spit*, but the reason we do it is because we know that we probably won't get in trouble. That's the same mentality that pervaded towns like Tombstone and Deadwood (yes, Deadwood was actually a real town). If you want to find the online version of tavern in a lawless frontier town then go to 4chan and check out /b/ I'm not going to link because you won't thank me. Now I'll admit the laws these people are outrunning are for the most part rules of social niceties but there is also a fair amount of flat out illegal shit occurring as well

Outside of the internet mixing cartoon bears and peadophilia is
seen as at best ill-mannered and at worst a sin against nature

While the West was lawless it wasn't without justice and revenge, justices deformed half brother. When someone had crossed, whatever the locals considered to be, the line by say punching the towns prettiest prostitute, stealing cattle or noncing a non-ginger (do what you want to the ginger kids no-one gives a fuck but then again they are the least attractive, so...) then it was time to round up a posse to bring the wrong-doer to justice. Alternatively they just grabbed the nearest 'negro' and crossed the thin line between mob-justice and lynching. I'm guessing I don't have to drive this one home to much but this totally exists online and even has it's own damn costume. Anonymous are a modern day posse/lynch-mob (it varies depending on where you are standing) with as much power for good or evil as there high-plain antecedents. However no-one believes this to be the worst part of the old West. No that was always a much more sinister phenomenon.

Yes, people pretending to be sasquatch, was a
huge problem but not the one I was referring to.

We've all seen the film Clint Eastwood rides into town to discover the Tavern, the General Store, the Ranch and the local Gold Mine all belong to one corrupt bastard who usually is shown early on punching a woman. He controls the flow of everything into and out of that town, hell even Zeke the ineffectual sheriff won't touch his boys even with all the brawling. Basically he's Gene Hackman in 'The Quick and The Dead'. If you live in that town he owns you. Surely we wouldn't allow such a thing to exist online would we, I don't know let me just check my Facebook. That's right in the littel town of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg is Gene Hackman... obviously outside of this metaphor Jesse Eisenberg was a much better casting decision. See whereas Google is the Pony Express and the Transcontinental Railroad of the New West social networking sites don't talk to each other they are closed systems and there making a small group very rich and this time we're not allowed to shoot them.

Being allowed to shoot them is one of the major plus points for fictional villians, but
does raise the issue of fictional rights, or as Americans call them 'The Constitution'

This metaphor works on so many levels that you can just keep pushing it. Flame wars are the new duels online word-slingers settling differences at High Noon fingers hovering over the keyboard until a helpful local yells "CAPS LOCK!". The geeks are the Native Americans seeing there spiritual homelands destroyed by a wave of fucking noobs. Where the West had its whorehouses, we have so much porn that I was desensitised to midget porn before I was twenty, have you any idea how hard it was to get desensitised to midget porn even a few short decades ago? It used to take a lot of effort... I did it by accident. However this torturous extended metaphor does have a point I want to get to and that is enjoy it while you can because it doesn't last.

Doesn't even make me laugh any more.

Pirates these days are a much sorrier affair than they once were and what was once the Wild West is now Cawker City, Kansas 'Home to the World's Largest Ball of Twine'. I'm not saying that the Internet will not remain a vast lawless playground for many years to come but when the hammer falls it will be a massive overreaction. You see pirates didn't just decided to quit. One day the British Navy and the East India Trading Company had a massive ruck with all of the pirate kings... there was a sea goddess and a Kraken... Seriously I don't have a lot to work with on pirates. However I can tell you that the death of the Old West was followed almost immediately by prohibition. You see when the authorities want something tamed they don't do subtlety they take complete control and drip you steady drops of freedom to see if you can be trusted. Which means that one day our Grandchildren will need an iris- scan to get online and will never accidentally see porn... I for one weep when I imagine that so, please everyone while you can, watch as much filth  as possible.

I don't want to live in a world where naked
cowgirl gets no hits on Google. Do you?

eddie <porn is fantastic>  

Stupid Children

Why do we waste our time on teaching our children the wrong things. Sorry let me rephrase that why are we wasting our time on teaching your kids the wrong things. I know what your thinking, "Hold on a cotton-picking minute, you're not teaching my kid anything." At least that's what those of you with children and a quaint turn of phrase are thinking. Well allow me to explain why you are wrong... and stupid. I pay tax. That money gets spent by the government on hospitals, infrastructure... and a whole bunch of shit I don't agree with like pointless desert warfare, giving shitty bankers who are frankly so piss-poor at their evil, soulless bloodsucking profession that they couldn't turn a profit in an industry that's only a whisker away from theft, knee-pads for Nick Clegg and educating your shitty children. 

Nick Clegg: Leaving David Cameron's office
desperately in need of some mouthwash.

Now for some reason people are absolutely OK with organising mass protests against most of the things I just listed but you try to organise a protest against Education and suddenly you're the cunt. So look here's the deal I used the education system... well I attended I'm not sure I learnt anything that I couldn't have learnt from a combination of the internet, BBC documentaries and QI repeats... anyway I get that I should payback that shit but you know what just present me with the fucking bill. However that's not the system we've got instead we've got the system where even if I pay off all the debt I accrued getting bored in a government facility then I still have to pay my share for your fucking children. So here's what I want the fuckers learning.

Meth 101

How to behave on the public transport system:
I'm not just talking about not playing shitty music on the phone that you shouldn't have fucking bought for them anyway. No I'm talking about the smaller but much more important things like don't stop at the top of the stairs, move fucking quickly and be aware of the fact that there are other people in the world you inconsiderate fuck-spoon. If you don't know that someone is behind you then natural selection should have dealt with your genes along time ago. Seriously I'd say that 50% of my daily rage is caused by this kind of bullshit, that's more than fascism.

If you slow down my journey you go above
Hitler on the list... or if you're Nick Clegg,
at least Hitler wasn't a hypocrite.

How to fight:

There was a time in the long-long-ago when the children of the rich and noble houses of this fine nation were taught how to fight and how to take up arms in times of danger and peril. They would rise to the rank of knight and use there skills to uphold the law, keep the peace and mercilessly slaughter people of opposing faiths. Jump forward a few hundred years and the only people who learn how to fight are criminals, the children of alcoholics and the genetically unemployable group we call the armed forces. So lets teach all kids how to fight and to stand up for what they believe in and then when some gang of chavs kick-off on the bus they'll have their faces kicked in.

I politely request that you to give up your seat for the young lady?
No? Very well then. Have at you good sir.

The value of humanity:

This recession wouldn't be happening if it wasn't for the fact that at least 15% of the population would gladly suck-off a goat while murdering a toddler for the right price... and I mean they'd suck it off well, work the shaft, cradle the balls go the whole nine-yards. These people are easy to spot they wear suits, carry briefcases and have no souls.

He'd kill your children for organ harvest if someone
constructed a reasonable business model based on it

Every single politician is a cunt:
If you want to be a politician that pretty much renders you the wrong candidate for leadership of any country. If a politician comes canvassing at your door, punch them.

Sometimes it's easier to spot that others.

You are not special:

Everyone wants their child to grow up with high self-esteem but you shouldn't, you should want your child to grow up with the correct level of esteem. Have you ever met an adult who had way higher self-esteem than they should. Those people are called douche-bags and can be located on 'The Only Way Is Essex'. I want a generation to grow up with the self awareness to know exactly were they fit in the world. I'm sorry that you have to hear this but if your child has low self-esteem it might be because your child sucks. Fix it's personality and the self esteem will rise automatically.

Pictured: High Self-Esteem
Not Pictured: Self Awareness

Now I'm not saying that these things will make the world a better place, but it's my fucking money and this is what I want it spent on. I also would like a portion of the nations finances put to one side to take those orphaned by crime and turn them into an independent army of Batmen.

... I have nothing to add.

Hey while I'm spit-balling ideas here I'd also like a law passed about when we can use the Army and how much we can spend on it, so that we'll willingly go all out if we get attacked and we'll spend a bit of cash when a despot is murdering his own people but we won't plough £100,695,102 a day into the desert because the Prime Minister likes getting invited to the fucking White House. Unfortunately that idea is unpatriotic unless more than 50% of the country agree with you so let's focus on the school thing. If you're a parent and  have an issue with these ideas then I'll gladly take the cash back instead.

I'll add this to my pile of disposable income.

eddie <no cheques>