Wednesday, 9 November 2011


Have you ever gone to visit a place from your childhood and discovered that while nothing has changed the intervening time has so vastly altered your perceptions that it suddenly seems like a completely different place. That disconnect can be so unsettling that it can be genuinely creepy. Sometimes it's worse, sometimes there are things in these place that your tiny child brain perceived one way but your adult mind sees the terrifying truth of. Like when you used to visit your grand-parents house and you found the secret toy room with the indoor playground only to years later realise that you'd been playing on Nana and Pappy's sex-swing. Well I recently sat down and played Super Mario Bros. and I felt a creeping horror seal into my soul. You see playing that game with my cynical adult brain I noticed several inconsistencies between the game I was playing and the story I was being told. I was left with one earth-shattering conclusion. 

Mario is the bad-guy. 

I mean, yeah, it seems obvious from this picture

This is a bold claim that would start a war in the comment section if this blog was popular thank fuck for my hard earned anonymity. I don't make this statement lightly and I do indeed have some evidence to back up my theory. Let us start at the beginning. You start the game after Princess Peach has been kidnapped by King Koopa, or so we are led to believe. You see we don't witness any such crime nor does the game commence at the crime scene, no the game commences with Mario on the outskirts of a place called the Mushroom Kingdom. That's an important fact, we're in a Kingdom who would rule such a place? Well the only King we meet during proceedings is in fact King Koopa. I mean why wouldn't he be king literally half of the things in the kingdom are reptilian and the others are just weird. I don't think it's a stretch to conclude that this chap is in fact the legitimate ruler of the world that Mario is about to invade.

Yeah he may look monstrous but his fiscal policy was so sound
he could afford, literally, to build with blocks filled with cash.

That's right, I said invade. You see there are two ways to interpret the world we find ourselves in. One is that Mario was so slow off of the mark with his rescue attempt that HRH King Koopa has had time to build a vast network of incredibly elaborate obstacles, dungeons and castles or this stuff was all here already. Now which of those two things is more likely? I think it's fairly obvious that all this stuff was already here. Now that implies that Mario is in fact assaulting this innocent fiefdom. When you realise this, the entire game makes a huge amount more sense. Let's indulge Mario's delusion for a while and assume that he is in fact rescuing a beleaguered Princess. Why on arrival at the edge of this elaborate set of traps that the Noble King Koopa the Gentle has established isn't there any fortification something like... Oh, I dunno... A MASSIVE FUCKING WALL! No the first thing you have to run into is a little tortoise going about it's business and you kill it. Seriously you don't meet a single thing that fights back until the one of the Hammer Brothers shows up. I'm also now operating on the assumption that he only arrived to investigate reports of multiple deaths and a streak of property destruction.

Pictured: Justice Mushroom Kingdom Style.

Now I know what your thinking, how? Because I'm better than you. You're thinking two things, firstly that I think way to much about these things and secondly that the place you're invading is in fact Koopa's realm and not the Mushroom Kingdom. I mean you don't meet any of the eponymous mushrooms... except in the heart of the castles. Hmmm that's peculiar why are these individuals here deep in the heart of these stronholds? There is only one explanation that makes sense, these toadstools are in fact the loyal retainers of the Magnificent King Koopa The Wise and his wife Princess Peach. 

Why do you think he's flipping you off?

Oh, did I not mention that they were married. You see, in later games the Koopa children appear and state that Princess Peach is in fact their mother. Mario assumes they've been lied to by their father, because his obsession and delusion knows no bounds (it is also worth noting that Mario kills every single one of the children), but bearing in mind one of them is a young science genius we can assume that he was able to run the required genetic tests.

I think it was, shockingly, the one with the nerd glasses

When you realise that you've been looking at the whole series from the wrong side suddenly the more bizarre aspects of the Mario universe make a metric fuck-ton of sense. Ever wondered why Mario and Peach invite Koopa to come go-karting with them? They don't. The scary socio-path who finds it incredibly easy to mercilessly slaughter every single citizen in King Koopa's (May he reign for a thousand years) domain and brutally murdered their innocent children (who made the ultimate sacrifice to protect the ones they love) go-karting. The first time they got the invite they were probably all "What the Fuck?" This is a guy who is an unstoppable force from hell who will literally travel to the ends of the earth and beyond to rape the fuck out of the sovereigns wife, fuck that guy. Of course they don't go. Now let me ask what did you do when you weren't playing Mariokart? That's right you fired up Super Mario World and embarked on another deluded rape-quest didn't you, you psycho. So the next time he asked them if they wanted to play golf, tennis or race His Majesty King Koopa the Kind begrudgingly agreed whilst Peach sat in the shower crying. Don't judge them it was the only way.

Look into her eyes and tell me you don't see fear.

You see Mario is nothing more than an unstoppable rape-machine. Fuelled by obsession and allowed free reign to do as he pleases by the mad power that you as a player have invested him with. Even space isn't far enough to run from the deluded midget plumber. When you realise this it changes everything... and weirdly makes the game considerably more fun.

Don't even get me started on this sick fuck.

eddie <writing the phrase 'deluded rape-quest' is one of the proudest moments of my life>

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