I Wanna Be The Very Best

Sometimes when I've been drinking I make life altering decisions that I should not be making, fortunately when I sober up I quickly readjust back normal. Unfortunately for me I only sleep for four to six hours a night, which isn't enough time for my liver to have sobered me up. When you combine that with my genius invention of vodka shampoo... I'll be honest it's just a shampoo bottle duct-taped to a vodka bottle... These bad decisions can last for weeks. My most recent downward spiral into drunken mayhem started when I made the very sound three pint decision that you can learn a lot from song lyrics and ended with the realisation that you should never live your life by the tenets of the Pokémon Theme Song.

If you can't name at least 50 then you're a loser.

It started understandably enough. The opening line is a pretty fucking strong.
“I wanna be the very best, like no-one ever was.”
Unfortunately I'm already 27 and I'm heading towards thirty with near terminal velocity. The odds of me being the very best at anything that I'm not already pretty good at are slim to fucking-non-existant. So I needed to select a past-time that I already have a pre-existing talent for. Fortunately the song provides me with more advice in the second line.
“To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause...”
I think that it's pretty obvious that this is telling me to become a Pokémon trainer. I know I'm pretty good at that already. I beat the Elite Four, I never underestimate my plant-types and I got my Pikachu to level 100... Oh yeah I had Pokémon Yellow bitches.

If you didn't have this then your parents didn't love you... My mum bought it by mistake.

“I will travel across the land, searching far and wide.”
Now Britain is a small island nation and as such has a deficit of both far and wide. However it wasn't long before I discovered some nearby long grass... I'd had a few more drinks it was around about 3am. Lurking in the long grass I discovered an unusual Pokémon I'd not encountered before. It was a black and white stripy creature and due to fight it put up as I wrestled it into a sack... Well, do you know where to buy a pokéball? No? Then don't fuckin' judge me... I'd wager it was some type of fighting-type, although later it revealed digging skills akin to a ground-type. Either way I was avoiding water and psychic types. I named my new-found companion 'Fuck-Hammer' and started looking for battle.

Britain's largest natural predator, America has big-foot we have badgers.

“These Pokémon to understand the power that's inside”
The way the sack was shaking, combined with the scratches, which I'd later learn were TB infected, I figured I had a fairly decent read on what this particular Pokémon was all about. So I just needed to try it out. That's when I had the good fortune to stumble across another trainer who had a was walking his Pokémon on a leash! I challenged him to battle me and flung my pokésack at the bastard. The Pokémon wasn't keen on obeying my commands but quickly managed to defeat the other creature. It's at this point I discovered that Pokémon don't instinctively know to stop when the enemy has passed out... As I look back on this with a degree of sobriety I think I may have killed a dog.

NEVER DO AN IMAGE SEARCH FOR DEAD DOG

“Pokémon... gotta catch them all!

It's you and me...”
There were sirens. Me and the Pokémon started to run... well I did the running he was in a sack. We were two peas in a pod. If one pea was fighting aggressively to escape from a sack... look at this point I was pretty bleary eyed, but I vaguely recall a helicopter, and running... lots of running.

When you're in that state of mind everyone chasing you looks like Tommy Lee Jones.

“Pokémon... Oh you're my best friend,

In a world we must defend.”
I'm gonna be honest this is the part where this article loses all conceptual cohesion. It was dark it was late my clothes were shredded from the woodland I'd been running through. I was still clinging to the sack that by this point, due to multiple impacts with branches, contained a large amount of dead mammal.

I wish I could pretend this was from an online search.

“Pokémon... gotta catch them all!

A heart so true, our courage will pull us through”
There was no courage... I was weeping like a altar-boy in a therapy session. It came as something as a relief when the police finally found me. I'd resorted to eating Fuck-Hammer for sustenance. I put up only a limited fight until I was tazed into submission.

My old nemesis.

“You teach me and I'll teach you.”
Is what the large man called 'Miriam' whom I'm sharing a holding cell just said to me. My only hope is that I can finish this post before the brutal punishing rape hopes and it will act as a warning to others. DO NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE BY THE POKéMON THEME TUNE

“Pokémon!

Gotta Catch 'Em All!

Gotta Catch 'Em All!

Pokémon!”

eddie <the pain... the pain!>

As Good As Nuie

Every now and again it's nice to be reminded that the world still has the capacity to be surprising. You might think that you've got a handle on the ins-and-outs of the way the world works and then you get blind-sided by something that makes you question what you think you know. This happened to me recently. It started simply enough with a post over at my favourite time-sink 9gag.com, I was trawling through the deeper reaches of the vote page when I stumbled across a picture of this...

I'd say 'Shut up and take my money' but I'm not sure that works for currency.

Yes, that is Pikachu on a coin. A coin with Pikachu on it. I'm going to give you a moment to settle yourself down. You cool? Good. That's a pretty wicked picture isn't it. What are you guessing? Photoshop? Obscure Merchandise? Fan Art? It's got to be one of those three... it's not as if there's a country somewhere in the world that is bitchin' awesome enough to have minted a pikachu coin, or is there?

Actual Place... not actual size.

Yes there totally fuckin' is. Allow me to introduce you to your new favourite country. Nuie (pronounced new-ay) is a tiny pacific island nation measuring only 100 square miles in size and it's by far and away the most awesome country I've ever heard of. That pikachu coin is one of a series that had bulbasaur, charmander and squirtle on them as well, unfortunately they no longer have that coin... because the changed over to STAR WARS MONEY!!!

LEGAL MOTHERFUCKIN' TENDER BITCHES!!!

What if I was to tell you that these little factoids I've been hitting you with weren't even close to being the coolest things about this awesome little country. It's the worlds first wi-fi nation. The entire nation is coated in free wi-fi. I don't know what the people of Nuie use the internet for when they couldn't possibly find anything in the world more awesome than the country they were lucky enough to be born in.

Imagine being in a little row boat while drinking rum out of a pineapple.

Yes that is a picture of the beautiful coastline of this island paradise. So I'm now guessing that they use all that free wi-fi to upload pictures like that to the internet while updating there status to things like 'Suck it bitches I'm in paradise!'. Although I'd kind of hope that being in place like that would really take the edge off of the urge to post dickish things on facebook. So what else does this place have to offer? I hear you cry, because I've got a new extension for chrome that lets me do that. Well for starters the coastline, i.e. most of the country, is riddled with an extensive network of underwater caves that you could scuba around.

WANT

The place is also nursing waters for humpback whales, so from June to October you can hop on a boat and go to see baby whales. All of this while nestled in the lovely tropics with cliff-top cafes and beach-front bars... as yet I've not managed to find out any information on exactly how one immigrates there or even what kind of shit you need to do to get there but a lot of it's governance comes from New Zealand... as do it's flights so I can combine that trip to do the Lord of the Rings tour.

eddie <already planning the trip>