Monday, 8 August 2011

Well here I was casting about for some inspiration as to what to write for my first post, of many hopefully, when London exploded. Now I'm not going to pretend for one moment to an expert on the socio-economic factors leading to this kind of event... although since the Cold War ended human beings in this country have been just another resource. Now, now Eddie, take a deep breath I'm certain someone's already working on the book and eventually they'll be interviewed on the Daily Show and you can pretend to have read it and have some idea what occurred. No this is not going to be another of those border-line retarded monologues of which you are already oh so tired, no instead I'm going to talk about my personal experience of today,

It started at 1600 hours there were only two of us in the office today, myself and Magda, the lovely polish lady who deals with the admin, in the office. The phone rang... I picked it up... it's kind of my job to do that sort of thing. "Jewson Stratford, Eddie speaking how can I help." "Eddie, Mark" That means that it was Mark, my boss, on the phone, I'm certain that there's supposed to be a hello in there somewhere but I'm in no position to quibble the niceties of telephonic etiquette. "Hello, Mark" I reply. "Look I'm in the Leytonstone branch and the high streets closing up early... the looters are heading this way, I think that they are much more likely to end up in Stratford." I nodded in reply... then I remembered I was on the phone "Uh-huh" seemed like a safe non-committal option... this conversation might lead to me going home early and I was determined not fuck it up. "Look I need you to batten down the hatches move anything valuable out of sight that kind of thing... understand".

Understand... I more than understood, I've trained for moments like this my entire life. If there's one thing you need to know about me it's that I'm fairly into Zombie Movies... and by extension Zombie Defence Plans (ZDPs). I sleep with weapons close to the bed. So I leapt from my chair, slammed down the phone, stopped myself just before the phone reached the hook, pulled the phone to my ear and explained to Mark that I understood, slammed the phone down again. It was time for action. Now the ZDP I have for work wouldn't fit here I wouldn't be employed if I carried out major modifications to the building. I grabbed Cliff the yard-man and got him to bring the forklift.

Step 1, Concealment. First off we have in full cage of Calor Gas bottles in view from the street I get Cliff to take it into the warehouse whilst I get some tarpaulins out. You see we sell bricks... bricks are a great aid to you average looter, the more prepared bring a tool or two with them but most of them have to simply wing-it. So a few tarps and a bit of climbing later and the exact nature of our stock is obscured, at first glance at least.

Step 2, Perimeter. The Yard has to gates one front one back. Both are securely locked. But that won't help if they have a car. So I get cliff on the forks to position to pallets of tarmac and a bag of sand behind the front gate. To packs of concrete blocks and a bag of gravel protect the rear.

Step3, Fortification. All the entrances to the building have metal shutters but I get a lorry behind one in the warehouse and the two forklifts behind the other.

Building Protected: Check.
Left Work Early: Check.
Best Hour of Work Ever: Check

Will all this be enough to stop the chaos invading my workplace? Will all my planning mean I still have to work tomorrow? Will the Joker ever be stopped? The answers to all these questions and more will be revealed in my next blog, same bat-time same bat-channel

Eddie. <I really don't want to work tomorrow>

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