My Time As A 'Squatch

Let me tell you something my friend, Big Foot is Big Money. If there's ever a lesson to learn from the internet it's that a lot more people believe in ridiculous bullshit than you could possibly imagine. Once people start spending their free time on these sites a weird kind of positive enforcement feedback loop occurs and even smart people can find themselves turning from curious and open-minded to rapid conspiracy theorists. This has changed the game when it comes to the field of cryptozoology, in short for the first time ever the believers have cash. You see as recently as late nineties the average sasquatch believer was a semi-literate hill-person whose mind was trying to defend itself from memories of horrifying uncle related abuse. These days the believers aren't trying running moonshine but running Fortune 500 companies. Ever since the founding of the Catholic Church men with an eye for opportunity have been trying to part the incredulous with whatever wealth they may have. So when the Venn diagram showing wealth and a belief in big foot started to overlap, I stepped up.

People like this.

There's plenty of towns throughout the Pacific North-West that do a roaring trade in Big-Foot related tourism. Fortunately there's plenty of others who want a piece of that pie, especially in these tough economic times. The average town can only take so much of seeing the next town over coining it in off a particularly gullible type of tourist before finally caving. That's where I come in. I've been squatching for about five years now, and I say with delusion that I'm the best damn squatcher in the business. Some people will slap on a suit go for a stroll and let a partner in crime film it and shove it up on the internet. A video like that gets torn to shreds pretty quickly. To many loose ends. Those guys are usually trying to make money off the back end... 'I Saw Big-Foot' t-shirts and so forth. I get paid cash up front, usually by the local tourist board and for that they get a different level of service.

There is a lot of money in local tourist boards.

I'll spend up to a month getting to know a two to three square mile patch of forest, it's got to be easy to hide in, usually I like a there to be a lot of geographical range, say a river, a few cliffs, variation is key to my work. Now instead of hiding away in a cave or something I usually set up a camp in the midst of the woods. I carry all of the paraphernalia of a true-believer, if anyone questions my presence, I'm hunting big-foot. It's key that the chosen area has a challenging but not infrequently used hiking trail. Ideally I want someone to pas through about once a day. I find a decent diner and settle in and wait for my mark.

I have no diner related jokes.

I'm looking for a particular type of person, They've got to have a decent camera, those are easy enough to spot these days the amateurs use their phones more often than not. They've got to be slightly older I don't need any of them trying to run me down and most importantly they've got to be open minded. I usually slip the waitress a few bucks to through in a few big-foot related questions. It helps that I'm usually employed a few towns over from a somewhere that's been trading off the big-foot name for awhile. I prefer a couple, usually one of them is more of a believer than the other and they might still be bickering about two or three hours later. That's when I make my move.

The woods friend to both the sasquatch and the rapist.

It's important to note that a lot of prep-work has been done before the squatch-suit goes on footprints will have been laid, animal bones with unusual teeth-marks will have been placed nearby. I also have a blend of certain chemicals that gives an odour matching the descriptions the nut-jobs have come up with for the 'creatures' urine. Only after all this prep has been done do I engage the target. That's not as bad as it sounds, I suit up in and run full tilt towards the trail where the mark awaits, I try to cut across the path about five hundred feet ahead of them. It's very important to choose a straight bit of trail for this otherwise they won't have the right visibility. It's important to make as much noise as possible and to not break pace no matter what. Ideally the mark should have enough time to snap off one blurry shot that they will have uploaded to the internet within minutes. The photo is not the key though, the real prize is the fact that the mark is converted to a believer with all the zeal of a convert. One bad photo with a staunch defender is worth a HD quality fake without it.

Much like this thing.

It's about this time that I officially arrive in the area, just in time to appear as an 'expert' on the the elusive beast on the local news. The resulting media buzz around the town can as much as double the towns tourism earnings for anywhere up to a month maybe more if timed right. I double my fees just before the summer break. Some people would call my line of work dishonest, but these idiots are going to find someone to take their money at least I'm creating jobs in the process. Well right up until the point some fuck-weasel tags you with a tranquilliser dart and you fall down a ravine and into a river. At that point you have to hope to the fates and pray someone saves you... I my case it's how I wound up meeting Big-Foot.

eddie <only the third weirdest job I ever had>

ACORAH!

Derek Acorah has recently come out and stated, as a categorical fact, that Madeline McCann is dead. I have readers from across the globe so I may have to explain who those people are, so to those people, hello Globeys.... yep I'm calling you Globeys. Madeline McCann is a young girl who went missing five years ago whose parents have never given up hope of finding her alive. Derek Acorah is a cunt, sorry a psychic. I don't care for the kind of sustained media circus that the McCann's situation led to, I also will make dark and horrifying jokes about anything that I can fashion a joke out of as a result of this I have said some very unkind and way over the line things about the McCanns. I have never however used this tragedy for my own shameless self-promotion. Derek Acorah has because he, like all psychics, is a complete and total toss-monkey.

I think this picture stands as evidence of the 'toss-monkey' part

Leaving aside the very real possibility, by which I mean certainty, that these people are shameless con-artists bilking the vulnerable we still have to address the fact that these people have been gifted with what is basically a super-power and use it to make money. If you know Spider-man's origin story you'll know that path ends with a dead family member. Were I to be gifted with the incredible ability to breach the walls between the realms of life and death I'd be off using my powers to solve mysteries, fight crime and generally live a life of heady adventure. I might even start a private detective agency Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) Style. I wouldn't be using it to part the vulnerable from their much needed funds.

I love that I write a thing that lets me reference shows this good

Just to clarify, there are no real psychics. If you don't like it then I'm sorry but you are opting out of science and as such I am revoking your right to use it. Seriously go live in a fucking field as a subsistence farmer and die at the age of forty. I know that some people might be reading this and truly believe that some people have 'the gift' but each and everyone of them tells a similar story. “I never believed either, but when my mother passed I went to see someone and they knew things. It was an overwhelming experience and it felt comforting.” That story actually reads like this... “When I was vulnerable I paid a guy to tell me things I wanted to hear. I was so pleased that I never really questioned his obvious cold-reading techniques.” The way these con-men work is incredibly well documented. If anyone who reads this blog is, or knows, a psychic I will happily travel to you and show you to be a liar within forty minutes. I don't understand the need though. The real proof is that all the dead seem to want to do is to help psychics prove they are psychic.

... or rescue Demi Moore from, I wanna say gangsters. I actually haven't seen it.

Never does one come through and give us incredible details as to what the afterlife is like, whether or not there is a god, which religion is correct, is there a hell... is 2Pac actually dead? Or how about this one who killed Madeline McCann? Of course that information isn't deemed important to Mr Acorah. Neither does he see the importance of reporting facts such as this to the relevant authorities. Let's keep in mind that if Mr Acorah is not a filthy lying cunt-thumper then he truly believes this data is genuine instead of going to the police as any decent human being would he went to the the papers because he is a complete git-muffin.

I don't think I can find a picture more contemptuous  than this.

I'm not one to sit around and complain and not lift a finger to fix things so instead I put forward an idea. I would like to see the law in this country changed so that you need a licence to be a professional psychic. In nearly every profession we ask that people prove they can do what they say they can. I'm not just talking about doctors, lawyers and whatnot, you get a trial contract when you start a fucking retail job... RETAIL! That's a job where you only have to put up with the insane demands of the living. So why don't we introduce some sort of licence for psychics. Obviously real psychics would have nothing to fear, just the fake ones. I mean if you a real psychic you just have to pass a few standardised tests to prove you can do what you say you can and you're free to go out and make a living from it. If on the other hand you're a con-man then you are not allowed to go around conning people. Who could possibly oppose such an idea?

Oh that's right... this cunt would.

I was going to set up an online petition to get this idea seriously considered... but lo and/or behold some precocious mother-fucker beat me to the punch... so if you think it's wrong that we have no oversight for those taking money off of the bereaved and broken go here and sign the petition to bring some regulation to this lawless industry.

eddie <I sense a disturbance in your bullshit>

We're Number 8!

Regular readers of this blog will know that I have on a few occasions touched upon my continued belief that the UK is completely and totally fucked because we have had successive generations of government in this country who seem to believe that money is the most important thing in the world. Unlike most of the things I've written on this blog I wasn't just making that up because I thought it leant itself to an easy gag, it's actually something I genuinely believe to be a fundamental fact. I also believe that until this problem is addressed it will impossible for any government to address the problems this country is facing. Oh yeah I'm doing a serious one today but it'll be an interesting thing to throw in the face of any tories you might find yourself cornered by at a party.

First image result for "drunk tory" it's too good not to use

In 2011 Britain had a GDP of 2 Trillion Dollars... yes that's correct 2 fucking trillion dollars, sorry for it not being in pounds but that's the way the global economy works. That makes the UK the eighth largest economy in the world, which isn't that shabby. If you're too lazy to click that link we are behind America, China, Japan, India, Germany, Russia and Brazil. I think that you can put together a moderately reasonable justification for being behind each of those guys, most of them have vastly greater populations than us... also I wouldn't be surprised to find out that every single person in Japan owns a giant robot power suit, even though I've actually been there. So anyway there we are in a fairly respectable eighth place. I don't think I could be called a liar if I was to state that most of the UK government's economic polices have been geared towards either maintaining or improving that placement.

Worlds Largest Economy: USA

So logic dictates that if there is a reason for doing this other than for the sake of money itself, then it will be easy to detect and prove. All we need is to look at the global rankings for all the stuff we actually care about and see if we come eighth or better. So let's start with health, as we all know without health we are nothing, according to WHO we are ranked... 18^th in the world, I mean it's a reasonable place to be but it's not eighth is it. Incidentally other than Japan none of the countries above us on that list have a higher GDP. From that it seems fairly conclusive that being in the big boys club doesn't have much of an advantage when it comes to not keeling over because of a fatal heart attack. Top of that list by the way is France... so if we could channel that pointless rivalry we could all be a lot healthier.

Worlds Best Healthcare: France

So let's have a look at education, that's the powerhouse of the economy anyway, even though anyone with a brain can tell you it should be the other way around. Well this one's a bit more complicated because they have a tendency this rating is based upon three separate rankings for reading, maths and science but when you combine those results you find us sitting pretty at 20^th again not bad but also not eighth also below the USA. Yeah the sting from that one will take a while to wear off won't it. Again it's worth noting that the only three countries above us on the education and the money chart are America, Japan and Germany. Top of that list is South Korea, who I wouldn't consider a major player on the world stage if it wasn't for their twatty neighbours.

Worlds Best Education: South Korea

OK so lets have a look at the big one the factor that matters more than any other. Happiness. Yes this is something that is actually measured by the UN and it turns out we once again manage to do quiet well and slide in at 18^th. Which you'll notice isn't eighth. On that list we once again fall behind the US... that's the only country that is both richer and happier than us by the way. Top of that list is Denmark. The interesting fact about all three of these lists is that they are all topped by places that you wouldn't be massively upset about having to live in, you know if you had to help set up a new office for work or something.

Worlds Happiest Country: Denmark

Then again it's easy to complain... I mean at least I have the right to complain, there's a lot of countries in the world where even writing a angry critique like this would get me in trouble. At least I live in the 13^th most democratic nation on earth. That's right the worlds oldest democracy has only let twelve other nations get ahead of it. Finland is tops in this category, they also show up above us on most of the lists I've linked here. Democracy has been spreading further and wider these days thanks of course to the internet, so at least I have the privilege of living the country with the fifteenth best download speeds.

Worlds Most Democratic Country: Finland

I'll be honest with you I write an article like this by starting with a baseless assertion like the one from the first paragraph and then research as I go. Now I knew I wasn't going to get the rug pulled out from me on this one, I was kind of expecting to run into at least one thing that this country did better than accruing wealth for the top one percent... Oh hold on... No we're twelfth for wealthdistribution. Just checked the list of the worlds most sustainable countries best I could dig up is this top ten... and we're not on it. Hold on we've got the BBC that's got to count for something is there a global ranking for media. There is a media freedom index and we are... 28^th OH COME ON! Writing this has been fundamentally depressing. HOLD ON I GOT ONE! We are 4^th in the world for, wait for it... MILITARY SPENDING. Seriously just fuck everything.

Worlds Freest Press: Luxembourg

So that's the grim truth about the Britain's prized place as a major player on the world economic stage. It isn't really worth it. Every time that you hear a politician talking about how we can't put more money into healthcare, education or sustainable development because the economy is in bad shape just remember that the economy is doing better than all those things. It's also key that you remember that the only reason that we have an economy is to allow us to afford these other things. Everyone of these metrics should be on the same level and I we have to pull the economy down to pull the others up then that's exactly what we should be fucking doing

eddie <actually quiet fucking angry after writing this>

Better Than Christ

A few days ago I donated four quid to charity to give a mosquito net to a child in Africa, I'm not saying this as a way of bragging about my generosity. After I donated the money via a nifty little text message I then gave the poster a closer examination and it transpires I'd given four pounds to Christian Aid... and that's fine. Seriously it's fine I helped out an African child I may be an atheist but I don't mind chucking a few quid towards a christian who's trying to stop malaria if he's trying by some method better than prayer. This whole thing did however get me thinking about the moral superiority of athiests over the religious. You see atheism is an inherently more moral philosophical stand point than any of the major faiths could ever hope to be. The reason behind this is what I like to call the naughty child argument.

Yes, Lizzie Borden is my go to for 'naughty' child.

If you have child and you leave them alone in a room with a a jar of cookies with a label saying keep out on it a good child will leave the cookies and a naughty child will eat them. Now if you leave a child in a room with the same jar but this time you warn the child that they are not to eat from the jar or you will pick them up by the legs and smash there head against a concrete block until the gooey thought juice inside flows all over the ground. This time neither a naughty child or a good child will eat the cookie. As such it's impossible to say whether a threatened child is a good or bad, they are merely scared and as such obedient. The same is true with religion. You see every second of every day that an atheist chooses to not beat a passer by to death with a pool cue they are doing it because they area good person. It's impossible to say with any degree of certainty whether or not a religious chap is actually a murderous dong-juggler.

I'm using too many murderers today

To quote Jackson Browne “Character is what we do when we think no-one is watching.” The point being that it's only when judgement, retribution and consequence are removed that we are able to identify the core of a person. If you believe that every single thing you ever say, do or even think is being monitored on pain of spending a literal eternity being anally raped by an eight foot sand-paper coated demonic phallus, then it is impossible for you to be a good person. You can be an obedient person or a fearful person but not a good one. That is why atheists are inherently morally superior to the religious.

... and another one, Son of Sam thought that god wanted him to kill those people

Yep, I went there. You see it's entirely possible to judge the character of an atheist in a way you can't with a believer. I've never killed anyone, from that you can judge that I'm not a naturally murderous type of chap. I've also never raped anyone, which again allows you to conclude that I am not a naturally rapey person. I've never engaged in a high end diamond heist from which you can easily deduce that I have never been given the necessary training to engage in such a caper. The point being that my behaviour is entirely regulated by social factors and my own morality. If act like a good person it's because I'm a good person, if I act like an asshat then an asshat I must be. On the other hand I can't even say with any level of certainty that Captain America is a good person, he believes in god and therefore might merely be behaving in the way he believes his god wants him to behave.

First non-murderer. Captain America wins a prize.

I'm actually willing to bet good money that I can call the religious beliefs of all of the Avengers. Cap is obviously a christian, Black Widow as a russian is clearly an atheist, Thor is an atheist as it wouldn't make sense for him to worship any god, Hawkeye is a black ops assassin, very few of them believe that they are being judged by a higher power and Banner and Stark are top level scientist and as such are statistically likely to be atheist. So yeah I'll willingly admit that all the the Avengers are naturally good people, except for Captain America who we can never no about for certain. I've wandered somewhat off topic there... except of course that Earth's Mightiest Heroes being mainly atheistic in their outlook does add weight to my atheist moral superiority argument.

As I've stated many times before, if I had to worship a deity...

Anyway I'm not saying that religious people are inherently bad just that it is completely impossible to judge someone's moral fibre once they've told you the believe that their every action, word and thought is being judged by a supergalactic being with a list of rules and a punishment fetish.

eddie <sorry if this is more rambling than usual, I was ill>

Blackadder's Neighbour's House

For those of you who are unaware of the TV show House, what is the exact address of the rock under which you live I'd like to send you a copy of the last ten years. To the rest of you, you're probably aware that the frankly outstanding medical mystery drama is soon to come to a close and this has put me the mood for reflection. Powerful story-telling has a way of getting into your brain in a way that little else can and I'm fairly certain that in a thirty years time our entire generation will still associate limping and being an a colossal chuzzle-cunt with unlimited medical genius. We will also assume that any time a doctor has trouble figuring out what's wrong with us we'll automatically distrust the first three diagnoses. However it is in this spirit of reflection that I want to look back at the work of two of the fine actors in this frankly magnificent show, but not actually the work they did in this show. No, I want to talk about Blackadder and Neighbours.

I know I went another way there didn't I, sorry for that Hugh.

All my British readers are already are already nodding at this point because if you were a nineties kid those were two of the most important telly shows of your formative years. If you're not British then you may need a bit more information. Blackadder is one of the all time greatest comedy shows ever made. Starring Rowan 'Mr Bean' Atkinson in the titular role of Edmund Blackadder it is one of the smartest and funniest things ever committed to the small screen. If you only know Mr Atkinson from his mute performance as the bumbling twat of Bean then you have missed out on one of the best things that has ever happened. The series followed the increasingly poor fortunes of the Blackadder family through four generations. The first series sucks. The second, third and fourth are absolutely masterful employing as they do an almost Shakespearean use of the English language. It was in the last two seasons that Hugh 'Mother-fucking House, YO!' Laurie joined the regular cast alongside his long time comedy partner Mr Stephen Fry.

Pictured: A titan of british culture... dressed
as a woman... it's just something we do here

Now I'm not here to gush about the merits of classic british comedy shows I'm here to explain why that show is a huge part of what makes my brain pistons fire in the way that they do. The main reason is that the final episode of Blackadder Goes Forth, the fourth series set in the trenches of the Great War, was constantly being shown in school. It was the moment when I realised that serious proper grown-ups thought comedy was important. Not as important as textbooks and all that but important enough that I was able to get an A on a history exam that I ended with a quote from the show. You see when questioned about the reasons for the start of the war any attempted answer will be long, rambling and ultimately fruitless because the only real reason is to quote Captain Blackadder “It was a lot less effort than not having a war.” That's not the quote I went with by the way I quoted Private Baldrick “So, that poor ostrich died for nothing.” If you don't get that just download Blackadder and watch... but be forewarned that it gets dramatically better in season 2. If you're an American I should also say that each series is only six episodes so you haven't really got an excuse.

If just looking at this image doesn't give you a lump in your
throat you've not watched it... This shit is heartbreaking

Now on to Neighbours. Neighbours is an incredibly long running australian soap opera that for reeasons that no-one has ever been able to fully explain was one of the most culturally important television shows for british school-children from the mid-eighties to the mid-noughties. Only school-children by the way. The show aired at half past five, just after Blue Peter, as I recall and is such a massive part of that groups psyche that you can go up to the most disparate group of people from this country and just say the words Harold Bishop an people will light the fuck up. Jesse Spencer made his first impact on my psyche in this strangely addictive drama as the youngest son of the Doctor Carl Kennedy and Susan 'MILF' Kennedy. Everyone had a soft spot for his older sister Libby but the main reason everyone remembers Billy Kennedy is because of the fact that he was the best-friend with Jared 'Toad-Fish' Rebekki who was the fictional character that taught me value of shenanigans. Even if Billy did break his arm falling from the zip-line off of the school roof. That show also taught me about the dangers of amnesia, to never drive into the bush whilst pregnant and always head to the coffee shop in a disaster... coffee shop be invincible and shit.

For reasons that no-one can fully explain this man was considered
the coolest mother-fucker alive by everyone I knew at school.

Weirdly though the strangest thing I learned from Neighbours was the importance of story and good writing. You see while it may have been a fun bit of throwaway soap fluff but I can still remember key events ten years after I stopped watching it. I remember tiny intricacies of character, I remember Billy having real trouble carving the wooden grapes into an ornate bedstead during his early days as a carpenter. I remember Drew getting trampled to death by that horse whilst acting as a rodeo clown. Most of all I remember the exact scene when Helen went into the Salvation Army shop and saw Harold, who had been believed dead for about a year after that wave had whipped him out to sea leaving only his glasses in that rock pool. All of this stuff stuck with me because for all it's bush-fires and amnesia Neighbour's at it's best was all about character. Characters who spent years developing into the full fledged people you came to know and love... Until they killed Dee right after she married Toady by having them drive off that cliff. That was stupid, plus I got a job and couldn't watch it anymore... I've just checked there is no box-set available, which is a crying shame. Oh and if you like Home and Away, yeah it had a better theme tune but other than that just fuck off.

Also Dr Carl Kennedy is the primary reason that
anyone I went to school with wanted to be a doctor

So I would like to offer a small 2.1 gun salute to Doctors House and Chase for there previous incarnations for being such an unexpectedly huge impact on my young self and for continuing that on into one of my favourite current TV shows. You will be missed and I hope to high heaven that the actors who portrayed these fine characters go on to have the brilliant careers they both deserve.

eddie <I would kill an old person for a full Neighbours boxset>   

Laughing At The Disabled

I work within a stones throw from the world's largest building site by which of course I mean the new Olympic stadium which I obviously can't actually throw a stone at because I'd be strafed by a UAV. As such I have engaged in many a conversation about the upcoming sporting malarkey and have to admit that I am moderately looking forward to it all. I'm particularly looking forward to the diving as it's the event that has the highest possibility of serious, and therefore hilarious, injury. When it comes to the Olympics I'm going to wind up watching a whole bunch of events that I don't give the slightest stuttering fuck about, in these cases I'm hoping for the most entertaining turn of events. That brings me to the uncomfortable subject of how to correctly watch the Paralympics, and more importantly how to correctly laugh at the Paralympics. Oh yes that's right it is entirely acceptable to have a chuckle at both the thrills and/or spills of the differently-abled. Allow me to illustrate that point with this video from the Beijing Olympics...

What did you see there? Did you see a bunch of disabled people in trouble? Because when I watch that clip I see a group of highly trained athletes involved in a hilarious accident. If you think that It's wrong to laugh at that ask yourself if you would laugh at the exact same accident if it involved able bodied athletes. Of course you would it's hilarious. Therefore if you didn't laugh you are prejudiced. You horrible, horrible bastard. I hope you feel terrible about yourself. You see there is a popular opinion among people who don't understand the true nature of dignity and respect. I personally find a guy a wheelchair falling over funnier than an able bodied person falling over just because of the sheer amount of extra difficulty involved on getting a chair to fall over. That's not got anything to do with them being disabled. I find a person in a wheelchair falling over funny regardless of whether or not that person can walk or not, because a person travelling at speed in a metal chair that then flips over is inherently amusing. It's much much more amusing if that person is the kind of person that should be taken seriously, like say... a professional athlete.

This is what the top rung of our society
looks like. Good work team mankind.

Basic comedy theory tells you that when serious and dignified people end up looking stupid it's funny. The only reason that you wouldn't find the idea of a bunch of professional highly trained athletes slamming into each other at speed is if you didn't see them as having dignity to start with. True equality is the right to be laughed at for the exact same stupid reasons as everyone else. There is no reason not to laugh at the disabled... as long as you're not laughing at the disability. So there you have the official guidelines on how to laugh at the Paralympics. Don't laugh at the silly equipment, don't laugh at the funny way they run and don't laugh at the looks on their faces but if they do something that is objectively funny and you don't laugh then you are a prejudiced bigot.

Pictured: You... you dick.

Unfortunately disability is a sliding scale. There is nothing funny about a recently disabled man falling whilst engaged in the arduous physical therapy that is required to move on with his life. However if you're at the point where you get to compete in the Olympics, have sponsorship deals and regularly appear on Blue Peter your life is actually significantly better than mine. You could argue that if my laughter is fuelled by spite and petty jealously and still I'd be a million times more respectful towards the disabled than those who withhold laughter from the misfortune of the handicapped through pity. So go laugh at the disabled with joy in your heart and spring in your step and know that you are an honest and decent person. You know as long as you're not laughing at them indiscriminately... I mean that's not cool. Just when something funny happens to them. Clear. Good.

eddie <only slightly emotionally disabled>

Religious Wrong

There's No Such Thing As The Religious Right.

I always find the religious right a laughable bunch of toss-wits. I'm referring of course to the american religious right. Sorry America but outside of the Middle-East no-one else has a religious right and the Middle-Eastern religious right isn't anything approaching amusing. The american religious right is however incredibly amusing. Firstly there's the fact that right-wing politics are inherently amusing... losing side of every major historical argument from freeing the slaves through women's suffrage all the way up to gay marriage. Secondly there's the fact that religious types are inherently laughable and foolish... especially the creationists. What's that? the earth is 4000 years old? Yes, of course it is you fucking idiot. However that's not why I find the religious right such a laughable bunch. The reason I find them so amusing is because there is absolutely no logical reason why they exist.

In a post apocalyptic wasteland infested with
vampires maybe but not in the real world.

You see the views of mainstream american religion are fundamentally and diametrically opposed to the policies of the Republican party. “But Eddie," I hear you say, "they both hate the gays more than anyone without issues about their own sexuality ever should, and fundamentally despise all other relgions” and yes you are absolutely correct. However that's not enough of a reason for these two groups to have joined forces. Let's have a quick run through of the key points of the christian faith shall we... Now the christian faith has handily organised it's key views into a list they like to call the "10 Commandments."

I never said religion isn't entertaining

Do Not Worship Other Gods

There is no-one in the republican party who wants to curtail religious freedom. This is the first commandment so we can assume God takes it pretty seriously but no-one in any, sorry, either forgot Americans don't have a real choice, of the major political parties in the US wants to enforce it. So tat ones a tie for both the reds and the blues.

Do Not Make Idols

Again no-one is dealing with this... but the Republicans are the ones who want to ban flag burning. That seems a lot like idolatry to me. Not actually joking there. That is the american right-wing in clear violation of a commandment.

Do Not Take The Lords Name In Vain

It's the right-wing that always argue for having Gods name on the money. Now I'm pretty certain that's not the what God would consider a proper use of his name, money is the root of all evil after all and it was Jesus who turned over the money-lenders tables in the temple... but more on that later.

Keep Holy The Sabbath

Stopping people working on any day is government intervention, the right-wing would never even consider restricting that kind of bullshit.

Honour Your Mother And Your Father

To be fair at least George Bush respected his father enough to launch a massively pointless war costing millions of lives, before you question that figure I'm including both sides of the conflict, to kill a guy who used to give his dad funny looks.

Do Not Kill

The right are in favour of the death penalty. The commandment isn't though shall not murder it's kill. So killing a killer is still wrong in the eyes of the bible, furthermore the two insane wars launched as part of the dead-arabs-to-the-gallon oil program killed an unnecessary fuck-ton of people.

Do Not Commit Adultery

Newt Gingrich is a republican senator. I'm not entirely sure I have anything further to add on that one. I'm not saying Democrats don't cheat on their wives, I'm just saying as a Christian you should vote for anyone who does.

Do Not Steal

This is a startlingly clear line for the bible which is usually filled with all sorts of nonsensical mumbo and/or jumbo. It doesn't say that stealing is OK if you come up with a clever way to do it that is not strictly speaking illegal, so once again Republican support for the banking and financial district is in direct disagreement with the word of the bible

Do Not Lie

You shouldn't be voting for any politicians according to this one really.

Do Not Covet

All politicians want power. Again this commandment pretty much rules out any engagement in the political process. It is also the basis for the entire world economy that all Republicans are intent on preserving

This is the religious right.

So having a quick run through of those you're looking at either not voting for anyone or voting for someone on the left-hand side of the political spectrum. That's just the commandments though. Other notable differences between the views of the religious and the Republican party spring up when it comes to helping the sick and poor. I don't recall any part of the bible that reads...

… and lo the lepers came unto Jesus, and Jesus spake thusly “Begone filthy lepers I'm not covered by your HMO” and the lepers were humbled and fucked off and died.

No Paul, I worked hard to get where I am why should
I help out people who can't be bothered to work.

Then there's energy policy. Let's pretend for a few seconds that Global Warming isn't a scientific fact. Then the current industrial state of the developed world is still killing animals, destroying habitats and polluting the air. According to the bible mankind, the species not Mick Foley... that would've been a much better bible, was left stewardship of the earth and all it's creatures. The Republicans have no intention of giving a fuck about that. How's about neither a lender nor a borrower be. Yet you vote for the guys who are friends with the Enron people. Were Jesus both alive today and not a fictional character then he'd be occupying the living fuck out of some Wall Street.

He's not calling them 'job-creators'

Now I'm not saying that the big Venn diagram of Republicans and christians has no overlap what so ever there's still the little 'hate gays, hate abortion' ellipse, but if that's all your religious belief boils down to then you are hate-filled spite-monkey and there is no plain of existence that requires your presence.

Should have seen this one coming when I googled evil monkey

Those who call themselves members of the religious right, are neither religious nor right they are simply fans of doing what they are told be it a weekly trip to church or a less regular trip to the ballot box. I'm not normally one to defend religion but I respect the early christians, true believers who risked pain, death and worse to spread what they believed to be true just so years later a bunch unthinking quimsicles could do exactly what they are told by the people who say that they're are christians rather than those that behave like them.

eddie <I actually rather like JC as philosopher>