An Apology

Those of you who read my writings with any degree of regularity will be aware that from time to time I tend to get a little angry it's not usually a problem as it's when I find it easiest to get into full flight when my rage engine is cycling at full spin. However it does mean I've been known to make outlandish and ridiculous statements based on theories that rely on access to fairly limited data sample. For example I have said that Harrison Ford and Sean Connery struck a deal during the shooting of Last Crusade so that Ford would do all of Connery's ageing in exchange for a large stipend. I've also put forward the theory that the executives at the Fox Network can only survive on the shattered dreams of Joss Whedon fans. I have also regularly called beloved director and definitive story-teller of a generation Steven Spielberg a massive racist.

This is the face of hate.

It's that last one I want to talk about. You see over the course of my life I became fairly certain that Mr Spielberg had an unreasonable hatred of the british. Now I realise that whether this is bigoted or racist is very much a matter of opinion however I chose to call it racist. I wasn't just pulling this out of my dick either I had a fairly reasonable amount of evidence to support my opinion. The piece of information that first sparked this theory was the rumour that Spielberg was lined up to direct the Harry Potter films. That was a pretty exciting piece of news at the time. I then heard that Spielberg wasn't going to be involved. I was disappointed. Then I found out that the reason it had fallen apart is that Spielberg wanted to set the films in an american high school with Haley Joel Osment as Harry.

We'd never have heard of her... Fuck you Spielberg

I looked into this and read that Spielberg believed that american audiences wouldn't be able to relate to an english character. This statement was made after the books had already become the massive worldwide publishing phenomenon that we all know and love thus proving his point more or less entirely wrong. It then occurred to me that Spielberg had directed War of the Worlds. Instead of that being set in the Britain of the late 1800s it was moved to modern New Jersey... I mean it's a timeless tale and it kind of works and it does make sense as a choice on it's own there's nothing racist about this but it's part of a worrying pattern of behaviour. Then you look at Saving Private Ryan a movie about the Americans coming over to save us helpless Europeans from the evil Nazi scourge... although now I come to think of it I don't think you see a single European at any point during the entire film. All of this occurred to me at once, but I didn't want to believe that he hated my homeland so I racked my brains, he must of worked of at least worked with someone British... H had. Once. In Schindler's List both Ben Kingsley and Ralph Fiennes appear. However Fiennes plays a Nazi so that is very much a wash.

Once you beat them, you get to keep their uniforms.

What always bugged me about this is that Spielberg is definitely an educated man... he is also a Jew and as such he should feel some slight gratitude towards the one country that didn't wait to be attacked before they told Nazis to fucking do one. I'm not including the French because when you shout it over your shoulder whilst retreating toward Paris at full pelt it doesn't really count. I know that argument is filled with holes and doesn't really work on any substantial level but Spielberg started it with his needless hatred of all things tea loving.

Pictured: Britain

However recently Mr Spielberg seems to have changed his mind about my small sceptred isle. I noticed this whilst watching Tin-Tin, which by the way is an awesome film certainly one of the high-lights of my ridiculous Oscar-thon. That movie stars Jamie Bell, Andy Serkis, Daniel Craig, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and McKenzie Crook and was written by Steven Moffat, Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish. That's a pretty fucking british. This was the same year that he cracked out Warhorse... but that movie would have been utterly impossible to adapt to use American's as the yanks brought very few horses across the Atlantic with them. I'm not sure if I was wrong about Spielberg or if he recently realised he was wrong to be such a massive racist but either way in light of this recent change I feel like I should apologise for all the cruel and horrible things I've said about him.

I'm sorry Steven... You Rock.

I will not however retract my statements about him wearing baseball cap... grow up. You look like a child from the Make A Wish Foundation.

eddie <and stop hanging out with lucas he's a dick>

Bronies

I've spent most of my adult life, hell most of my entire life, skulking around the depths of the internet. I've visited the dark and twisted corners of the collective human psyche and seen things you wouldn't nay couldn't conceive. Through my life I have happened upon a simple truth, that everyone has there own unusual appetites and everyone is entitled to them. If you wish to dress up as a teddy bear and throw custard at women feel free to do so. I see nothing wrong with furry food fights between consenting adults, it's not my particular brand of vodka but you have at it. I can even see how ones mental development may take them down that path... cartoons have a lot to answer for. Equally I'm not the kind of person who wants to spend twenty hours a week engulfed in the realm of Azeroth... is it Azeroth? I dunno whatever the place in World Of Warcraft is. However I can utterly see the appeal of it but I'd rather keep some of my free time for my other gaming commitments. Again I'm not the biggest fan of religion but I also don't want to disappear back down the rabbit hole of creationist debate websites, they may be fun but I don't want to waste hours of my life on it when I could be doing something productive. I understand that it's a bit rich for me to say that whilst blogging. The point I'm drifting towards is that I have a passing knowledge of a huge number of human quirks and I those that I cannot understand I can at least accept. Except Bronies.. fuck bronies.

Bronies, for those of you fortunate enough to have avoided contact with this subculture, are grown-ass men who straight up fucking love My Little Pony. Specifically they love the animated series My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Now in the interests of journalistic integrity I have of course watched a couple of episodes of the show and can report... hahaha of course I haven't watched it. As much as I hate people who judge things without watching it and as much as I dismiss people who write off Harry Potter and Skulduggery Pleasant as 'for kids' My Little Pony is for kids. Kids is of course an exceptionally broad term though, so let's be clear. I dismissed My Little Pony as being 'for kids' about the same time I first went to school which is almost the exact time that I stopped dismissing it as 'for girls'. I know that my love of things like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Transformers is based on a heavy dose of nostalgia but I also know that shit was tight. Now if by some weird chance you were raised on the world of My Little Pony then you might be a bit weird but I would understand a bond you might feel to the show. However Bronies are coming at this from the angle of being ostensibly adults who sat down to watch a show aimed at people who as of yet cannot fucking read.

The only reason I can think of for a man who is not the father of a small girl to have any knowledge of the goings on of... I was going to look up what the name of where the My Little Ponies live is but then realised that is way more effort than I want to put into this subject. Anyway the only reason for knowing anything about it is if you are the father of a small child, girl or boy I don't discriminate, who loves it. Other wise the only possible reason for cultivating an interest in the subject is if you are researching for your paedophilia. I've spent a fair amount of time mulling it over and trying to work out what it is about this particular niche is that pisses me off so much and I think I've narrowed it down to one thing. It's My Little Pony. That's really all it is.

You see I know that right now there is a possibility that someone is reading this and thinking, “No dude you have to watch it.” No, no I fucking don't it's a TV show about brightly coloured tiny horses teaching children to share and what-not. At no point will the plot startle and amaze me, the artwork and animation is not going to blow my mind and at no point is a train made of neon lights going to derail and de-res... Watch Tron: Uprising... I'm willing to give everything a chance to surprise me, I mean I've watched the first Twilight movie... it made me want to claw out my brain and go on a killing spree but I watched it none the less and gave it it's chance. However this is where I draw the line. This far and no further say I. If anyone you know admits they've dabbled in MLP then slap the ever-loving shit out of them until they regain the ability to handle reality and shows an interest in stuff aimed at the over fives.

eddie <fuck that shit>

Carnivore/Herbivore

There are some strange correlations in mental traits that I have never been able to quite understand. Why do people who drink real ale also believe the neck-beard is a reasonable style of facial hair? Quick-tip if it's not on your face it's not an acceptable look. Why do conspiracy theorists always have a laissez faire approach to personal hygiene? Is there a conspiracy about showering? Why do people who want to in the countryside also think that 'antiquing' is both an acceptable activity and an acceptable word. It is neither. However the link that I really wanted to talk about is the bizarre and frankly inexplicable link between whether or not you eat meat and how preachy you are. It's a subject that does require something of a dissection. So why is it that carnivores are so preachy?

"Have you heard the good news about Jesus?"

Declaration of interest here I'm a vegetarian. If you choose to eat corpse feel free to do so. Seriously have at it I don't give to much of a shit. I'm not a big believer in trying to win people over to my side of an argument by reason, yelling or knife-fighting... which is a real shame because I am very very good at all three. I prefer the method of calmly explaining my own philosophy and then exhibiting why it's the best way to live by being continuously awesome. I'd say that it's an exhausting way to live but I'm far to awesome for that. As such I occasionally find myself in a position where I have to decline an offering of charred flesh. A little shake of the head which is usually met with a with a puzzled expression forcing me to explain “I'm a vegetarian”.

This is what you look like... right down to the cold dead eyes of a killer.

There are three reactions to this simple explanation. The first is a shrug, this is by far and away the best reaction. The second is the bizarre need to explain that someone else the carnivore knows is also a herbivore, I have never understood this one... do they think I'll be all 'Oh you mean Dave! I'll tell him I met you at the next meeting' or is it supposed to make me feel at ease, some form of proof that they won't eat the leaf eater. However as weird as that is it's nowhere near as bad as the third reaction which is to become a preachy a-hole about the entire affair.

This is what you become... Just let that sink in.

This might come as a shock to most of our, admittedly omnivorous, species but I've met meat eaters with an alarming amount of regularity. As such the sermon on the virtues of bacon that you wish to launch at me isn't a fresh experience for me. I don't want to hear you're wonderfully well thought out speech on why exactly you are not just allowed but in fact have a responsibility to devour less intelligent creatures because like all other overly preachy speeches I've heard it a million times before. For that exact reason you don't want to give me that speech because I've heard it enough times that I can demolish your argument so hard and so fast that it'll physically hurt your as yet unborn grandchildren. Unless you've already got grandchildren in which case you might as well just go throw a shoe at them.

Your choice of shoe should be directly linked
to how much you love your grandchildren.

I feel it's important to point out that I think it is completely and utterly wrong to preach at anyone about there choice of diet unless it is dangerously unhealthy... so you know if someone is eating a tub of lard or something. So here are the most common components of carnivorous sermons and why they are stupid as fuck. “If I'm not meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?” So are babies. “We have teeth that have evolved to eat meat.” Your appendix evolved to help digest grass, your body is filled with stuff that evolution gave you that you choose not to use. “We're more intelligent than animals.” I'm more intelligent than you doesn't mean I'm allowed to kill you and eat you... I checked. “If we stopped eating these animals then they'd go extinct.” So all the animals will die... they were going to anyway, at least future generations wouldn't. Also agricultural animals account for a huge percentage of global warming. You know what argument for eating meat is acceptable, “I like meat... I want eat it” Well done and fair-play. I don't want to eat meat and I don't want to be preached at for that decision.

Same way I don't want to get preached at for bringing an M4-Carbine to a BBQ

Let me be absolutely clear I actually think there are a whole bunch of good arguments for eating meat, but most of them could be used by hyper-intelligent aliens to justify eating people and when that happens I want to at least die on the moral high-ground. I also think that there are plenty of great arguments to be made for tons of stuff that we now look back on as being objectively morally wrong. I'm not saying that eating meet is wrong... but I'm not cool with it so I don't do it, much like working for a bank. I also happen to believe that in the distant, distant, distant future we will as a species look back on eating meat the same we look back on a whole host of other bad things we've done. I also believe that most people don't give the slightest nano-shit. I just want to be left to eat my plant-life in peace.

eddie <herbivore in a leather jacket>

Lady Luck Is Only A Lady When She's Not A Bitch

(Sorry for the lack of humorously captioned images... I forgot I wouldn't be able to write this over the weekend because of Download Festival. So instead I just pulled something out of my arse during my lunchbreak on thursday... that's part of my commitment to excellence)

Luck is the most powerful force in the universe. Anyone who says otherwise is either ignorant of how the world works or alternatively very lucky. The CEOs of major corporations for example will constantly hold forth on how they got were they are due to an insane amount of hard work. That’s probably true but it completely overlooks the fact that they had the good fortune to be born in a time when their particular talents were linked to such a high financial reward. Were they born in the Medieval period of human existence then they would never have reached the top because that system didn’t allow it. Equally prisons are filled with people who, had they been born four thousand years ago, could’ve have been tribal leaders of great power and importance. I myself believe I would have been more suited to a period either in the past or future where fucking off and exploring was a much more realistic option, basically either actual piracy or space piracy… I think I’d be good at it.

It’s not just about having the good fortune to be born in the right time-frame, it’s about being born in the right place. I’m not speaking about those that have the good fortune to been into an affluent Bel-Air family… or at least be born the nephew of a successful judge who lives in Bel-Air. I’m speaking about the fact the Google guys had the good fortune, not just to be born at a time where their particular brand of genius could be applied but also in the right portion of the planet for them to use those skills. There’s not much of a tech start-up scene in the Congo. Equally those born in the Congo who excel at guerrilla warfare and merciless slaughter are lucky they weren’t born in South-East England where that kind of thing is very much frowned upon.

Then there’s the fact that the most successful people you’ve ever heard of got there because they met the right people. Che Guevara would be nothing if his life hadn’t brought him into contact with Fidel Castro and the same goes for Castro. John Lennon never went into a special centre slapped his hand on the counter and said give me two musical geniuses and a drummer. Instead the universe accidentally threw those three crazy geniuses together and later they met Ringo. Hugh Laurie was one of the highest earning television actors, clocking a million dollars an episode, of the last decade but you’d never of heard of him if he’d not gone to university with Stephen Fry. If Kurt Cobain hadn’t killed himself Dave Grohl would be the drummer from Nirvana and it’s only because of Walt Disney’s wife being in a funny mood that Mortimer Mouse became the infinitely more marketable Mickey.

None of this is to denigrate these people’s achievements. Unless you’re new here you’ll know that I’m big on Darwin, but if his friend had just published his paper without sending him a letter you’d never have heard of him. That’s not to say that Darwin isn’t a genius but genius is nothing without luck. Think about the people in your life. We all know at least one person that should be much more successful than they are and one guy who finds everything easy. There may be real reasons for that, maybe one’s a raging alcoholic and the other only made his business contacts through the furry scene but if different things had happened to each of them early in life they might have swapped vices and therefore lives. I’m not saying that hard-work won’t reward you but just remember a lot of unlucky people worked really heard to make Yahoo the best search engine, a lot of people worked really hard to make flying machines before the Wright Brothers beat them to the punch and a lot of Polish people worked very hard to make a go of it before the Nazis swarmed across the border and destroyed everything they’d worked at.

The world is filled with people who have become rich and successful at things that in logical world have absolutely no right to pay-off look at the people who took crazy long-shots that brought them success. Hell Gabe and Tycho, of Penny Arcade fame, shunned getting real jobs to professionally make immature jokes about computer games and dicks. They have personally warned others off of following in their footsteps because and I quote ‘there is no way this should have worked.’ Every success story is the tale of someone who rolled the dice just right and then made the most of that and a lot of every other story is the people whose roll of the dice went terribly and then they made the most of it. Hell I’m not a professional writer despite the fact that it is literally the only thing I am good at that doesn’t take place in the fictional city of San Andreas. I’m far from alone in this and the plain truth of the matter is that for most of us the universe never gets out of the way long enough to let dream-following become an option.

The simple truth of the universe is to hope that if and when your luck changes you bet as big as you can… unfortunately you usually won’t know if it had changed until just afterwards.

eddie <good luck and god speed>

God Hates... A Lot Actually

So I was having a little trouble sleeping the other night, this tends to happen when I get crushed under the weight of my own intellect, so I went for a little midnight stroll through the back-streets of Wessex. This is usually a fairly uneventful jaunt and this one looked to be following the same boring and predictable pattern. I was pondering some of the more puzzling aspects of quantum physics, i.e. all of it, having given up on the much more taxing problem of women, bitches be crazy, sometime earlier. You can imagine my surprise when, upon rounding a corner, I found myself in one of the many crack alleys that the area boasts, that's not the surprising part, and found myself looking straight into the face of god.

“What are you doing here?” God barked. I have to admit the question took me somewhat by surprise as God has always seemed fairly omniscient in our previous meetings. I quickly surveyed the scene and saw that both God and Jesus were standing in front of a flip chart. Jesus gave me a glance and the little half wave he sometimes does before turning back to the chart and scrawling 'Flood New Orleans Again'

“What are you guys up to?” I asked, as it seemed like the most pertinent question giving the circumstances.

“Just working out new ways to punish America” Jesus replied without turning.

“Oh. Because of the gays?” I asked. God pivoted on the spot all afire with the incandescent rage of the Old Testament.

“FUCK OFF! I am sick and tired of every single fucking punishment I visit on that fetid empire being blamed on the faggots. Of course I hate the faggots they are a filthy, but fuck me is that far down the list.” God was shaking with rage. “I gave them a fucking list of rules and I mentioned the faggots once but every single time I give a baby AIDS or get a soldier shot in the face everyone assumes it's because I'm hating on the queers.” At this point god turned and shot an ineffectual kick at the flip chart. “Do you want the list?”

All I could do was nod dumbly whilst I shot Jesus a sympathetic look, parents can be so embarrassing. “KEEP HOLY THE FUCKING SABBATH is it that fucking hard to shut Walmart for one day of the pissing week. THOUGH SHALT NOT KILL yet the fuck-monkeys have two wars and the death penalty. There are tons of fucking tattoo parlours all over the fucking place.” I gave him a blank look “Leviticus 19:28, Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks upon yourself. I am the Lord. So while we're on the subject fuck fucking coroners the ghoulish mother-fuckers. Except Quincy I fucking love Quincy. Leviticus 19:27 Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard... how many of the fat bastards do you see obeying that one?” I ran a finger through my ringlets as I tried to think of a notable yank with facial hair to match my own.

“Well most rabbis...”

“Fuck those Jew cunts.” Jesus interjected forcefully. “Nail me to a bit of fucking wood... dick-heads.”

“Wasn't that technically the Romans?” I asked trying to calm the situation down a little bit.

“Meen't meh memememe me momans?” Jesus replied incredibly sarcastically.

“Jesus Christ, there's no need to be like that” I snapped back at the messiah, who by the way is only like five foot three and something of a little bitch. Jesus hung his head in shame.

“BLASPHEMY!” God shouted at me whilst pointing.

“No it's not. I was saying his actual name to him.” I replied.

“OK but those cunt-thumpers blaspheme to high heaven. Mel Gibson released a film that made millions of dollars trading off of the death of my son!” God was shaking with rage. “They fornicate, they watch pornography, they eat the wrong animals and they wear clothing made from more than one fabric. They allow their women to talk back to them and fail to stone adulterers. They eat pork and they don't keep woman locked away whilst they are menstruating... don't they realize they are unclean. I will raise there country to the ground and each and everyone of my hypocrite followers will spend the entire time saying I'm punishing them for not making the gays miserable enough. Cunts.”

It was at this point I made my excuses and quickly left because despite having a few good points God is one crazy diety.

eddie <another late night walk ruined by a ranting diety> 

Calm Down... Cocks

So the CDC has recently released a statement saying that there is, currently, no zombie outbreak in the mainland United States, side-note: I told you so, which leads me to ask a serious question. When did people in charge of important things start taking our bullshit seriously? Speaking as a self styled expert on the undead menace, I've watched the right films and read the right books, I don't want to live in a world where the CDC has to release a statement like this every time the internet engages in some form of ridiculousness. For those that don't know the Centers For Disease Control are the branch of the US infrastructure responsible for stopping horrific outbreaks from ravaging the american populace. These are the people who in addition to stopping outbreaks of things like ebola, bubonic plague and all manner of horrible diseases from killing tens of thousands of people every time there is a case in a built up area also have to be prepared for a biological attack launched by a terrorist group. So I am understandably pissed off that they've released this statement.

It made me put me murder face on.

You're probably wondering why it would bother me. I mean one of there guys just sent out an e-mail or something, right? Well actually there is no way the CDC would release a statement like that unless they'd actually checked. No really. Everyone who works at the CDC has seen the same films as us. Have you ever seen a denial given by an authority figure who didn't at least check which didn't come back to bite him the... well on this occasion face I suppose. I'm not saying that the CDC set up a lab and pissed away a whole bunch of money on this, in all probability they rang the coroner of record and had a very brief conversation.

“Dude. Zombies?”

“Fuck no!”

“K Thanks”

That is absolutely all that would be required. The reason that this pisses me off is that even that tiny amount of effort, fuck it even releasing a gorram statement is to much time for a supposedly serious person working in a genuinely important job to devote to something so fucking stupid.

Pictured: Fucking Stupid.

Let me explain I spend a fair bit of my spare time preparing for zombageddon, I also resolutely refuse to accept that dragons have never existed. These are both major parts of the bizarre pop-culture collage that makes me the fascinating chap I am. They are also the parts of me that get completely and totally shut down on the rare occasions where I have to be a fucking grown-up. Thanks to the fact a large part of the internet has developed into a playground I rarely have to behave that way but it's fucking worrying to find out that the grown-ups are taking our games seriously.

"I don't know why Mr Dinosaur can't fix the economy... I'll call the president"

Chuck Norris exists in two very separate forms. There is the real Chuck Norris who is at best an above average action star who's only real claim to fame is getting his chest hair ripped off by Bruce Lee. Then there is the internet Chuck Norris a towering behemoth of a god-man who shits tanks. As long as those two forms remain separate all is good. If however the US Army felt that they needed to release an official statement explaining why they weren't using Chuck Norris to end the afghan conflict I think that we'd all feel justified in telling them to fuck off back to work.

Fuck Chuck Norris.

I'm concerned that this is just one part of a growing trend. The ridiculously photogenic guy has been interviewed on nationaltelevision. Why? Because the internet is the most important invention in the history of human communication. Unfortunately this means that some people have made the mistake of believing that the communication that happens on it must therefore be important. It is not. Just as it has been since time immemorial the majority of human communication is at best noise and at worst word-faeces. The only thing that has changed is visibility. In the past if me and my friends wanted to spend six hours discussing, in minute detail, every single available problem we have with Skyrim, which we have done, no-one else would have to here it. Now those conversations happen online which puts it just a few keystrokes away from everyone else on earth. This does not make those conversations important.

Pictured: Unimportant Opinions

I'm certain that as a key component of the social interactions that make life worth living these conversations are absolutely vital but in the same way that I don't feel it necessary or even wanted that the president release official comment on what Tracy did to Darren in the pub last night I don't need the fucking CDC to tell me that there isn't a zombie outbreak.

eddie <plus it ruins the fun>

Impartial

So I've decided that I want to punch Jeremy Hunt right in the dick. I've decided that not only is this something that I want but it is also something that is completely right and proper. I'm not a complete bastard, which incidentally is what I want written on my tombstone, so I feel it is only fair to set up an independent committee to determine whether or not I should punch Jeremy Hunt right in the dick. In addition to this the committee will be tasked with deciding the exact force with which Hunt should be punched in the dick. Obviously that will only be an issue should the committee agree with my view that Jeremy Hunt definitely needs to be punched right in the dick. In the interests of complete impartiality I will of course make sure that the decision is made by a completely impartial group, the final decision will of course rest with the head of the committee which will of course be me.

Not looking good for you, is it Jezza?

I know that some of you might be confused by this so let me just make this absolutely clear. Whilst the committee has been set up by someone who thinks that Jeremy Hunt needs to be punched right in the dick, me, and the decision will be made by someone who thinks that Jeremy Hunt needs to punched right in the dick, again me, but I will be impartial. So now I've said that I will definitely be impartial that's an end of the matter isn't it. So let's get on with punching Jeremy Hunt right in the di... Sorry deciding whether or not to punch Jeremy Hunt right in the dick. I mean I'm definitely, definitely, definitely impartial. I may have spent most of this article up to this point saying how I believe that Jeremy Hunt definitely deserves a punch right in the dick and that I would very much like to be the one to do it but I also said I would be impartial. Are you calling me a liar?

What did you think I looked like?

How dare you? That's fucking disgraceful, that's like saying that Jeremy Hunt is a liar for saying he'd be impartial well he was deciding whether or not Rupert Murdoch should be allowed to seize control of the nations news media in order to establish the worlds first privatised propaganda machine.

“Do you want to run the country? News Corp can make it happen. For the low, low price of the continued increase of our share price we will print the headlines that you want.”

Don't believe me. Look for the Sun's coverage of the Leveson Enquiry. Oh hold there isn't any. That's the nations biggest newspaper not covering the nations biggest news story. The main reason that people with fully functioning brains were against allowing, well know business-man and fairytale villain, Rupert Murdoch seize control of the nations media, in a way more in line with a Banana Republic than a first world nation, is that we were concerned he would manipulate information flow to his own nefarious ends. So when we hear that the person responsible for deciding whether or not this insanely egregious mishandling of a major nations news media has already decided that it should be allowed and has been firing off chummy e-mails and texts to the Murdochs it's understandable that we might be concerned. However Jeremy Hunt has said that he was completely impartial. That is apparently good enough for the man who runs our country.

I think it's this guy... I'll be honest I don't pay much attention

From this we can conclude that David Cameron is either fundamentally corrupt or such a simpleton that it's a shock he can dress himself in the morning. However the precedent has been set we're taking people at their word now. So when I promise that I will be impartial when deciding whether or not to punch Jeremy Hunt right in the dick that's a cast-iron, copper-bottomed guarantee that you can take to the bank. Obviously I'm not a government minister like Jeremy Hunt so obviously my word carries significantly more weight. I mean I don't have a history of being a lying scumbag. So here I am all set up to be impartial and shit so we're going to have our first meeting now.

12 Seconds Later

So we've decided that it's actually crucial that I punch him right in the dick as soon as possible... for like the economy and shit. We also agreed that I should do it hard enough to break the fucker in half. That's the completely impartial decision that we reached. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to question the process here either I mean it's not like we just rubber stamped the decision we'd already made... that would be unethical. I mean I said I was impartial loads of times, what more do you people want?

eddie <while writing this i accidentally said jeremy cunt twelve times>