So I was having a little trouble sleeping the other night, this tends to happen when I get crushed under the weight of my own intellect, so I went for a little midnight stroll through the back-streets of Wessex. This is usually a fairly uneventful jaunt and this one looked to be following the same boring and predictable pattern. I was pondering some of the more puzzling aspects of quantum physics, i.e. all of it, having given up on the much more taxing problem of women, bitches be crazy, sometime earlier. You can imagine my surprise when, upon rounding a corner, I found myself in one of the many crack alleys that the area boasts, that's not the surprising part, and found myself looking straight into the face of god.
“What are you doing here?” God barked. I have to admit the question took me somewhat by surprise as God has always seemed fairly omniscient in our previous meetings. I quickly surveyed the scene and saw that both God and Jesus were standing in front of a flip chart. Jesus gave me a glance and the little half wave he sometimes does before turning back to the chart and scrawling 'Flood New Orleans Again'
“What are you guys up to?” I asked, as it seemed like the most pertinent question giving the circumstances.
“Just working out new ways to punish America” Jesus replied without turning.
“Oh. Because of the gays?” I asked. God pivoted on the spot all afire with the incandescent rage of the Old Testament.
“FUCK OFF! I am sick and tired of every single fucking punishment I visit on that fetid empire being blamed on the faggots. Of course I hate the faggots they are a filthy, but fuck me is that far down the list.” God was shaking with rage. “I gave them a fucking list of rules and I mentioned the faggots once but every single time I give a baby AIDS or get a soldier shot in the face everyone assumes it's because I'm hating on the queers.” At this point god turned and shot an ineffectual kick at the flip chart. “Do you want the list?”
All I could do was nod dumbly whilst I shot Jesus a sympathetic look, parents can be so embarrassing. “KEEP HOLY THE FUCKING SABBATH is it that fucking hard to shut Walmart for one day of the pissing week. THOUGH SHALT NOT KILL yet the fuck-monkeys have two wars and the death penalty. There are tons of fucking tattoo parlours all over the fucking place.” I gave him a blank look “Leviticus 19:28, Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks upon yourself. I am the Lord. So while we're on the subject fuck fucking coroners the ghoulish mother-fuckers. Except Quincy I fucking love Quincy. Leviticus 19:27 Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard... how many of the fat bastards do you see obeying that one?” I ran a finger through my ringlets as I tried to think of a notable yank with facial hair to match my own.
“Well most rabbis...”
“Fuck those Jew cunts.” Jesus interjected forcefully. “Nail me to a bit of fucking wood... dick-heads.”
“Wasn't that technically the Romans?” I asked trying to calm the situation down a little bit.
“Meen't meh memememe me momans?” Jesus replied incredibly sarcastically.
“Jesus Christ, there's no need to be like that” I snapped back at the messiah, who by the way is only like five foot three and something of a little bitch. Jesus hung his head in shame.
“BLASPHEMY!” God shouted at me whilst pointing.
“No it's not. I was saying his actual name to him.” I replied.
“OK but those cunt-thumpers blaspheme to high heaven. Mel Gibson released a film that made millions of dollars trading off of the death of my son!” God was shaking with rage. “They fornicate, they watch pornography, they eat the wrong animals and they wear clothing made from more than one fabric. They allow their women to talk back to them and fail to stone adulterers. They eat pork and they don't keep woman locked away whilst they are menstruating... don't they realize they are unclean. I will raise there country to the ground and each and everyone of my hypocrite followers will spend the entire time saying I'm punishing them for not making the gays miserable enough. Cunts.”
It was at this point I made my excuses and quickly left because despite having a few good points God is one crazy diety.
eddie <another late night walk ruined by a ranting diety>